If you find that the rate at which you are going through new relationships is high, here’s why:
You “act like his girlfriend” too soon:
You are SINGLE until it’s agreed that you’re in an exclusive relationship. If you’re acting like his girlfriend despite there not being a declaration he will just assume that you’re not going anywhere. Guys know when you obsess and/or have staked a claim on them.
If a man sees that he could potentially lose you to another man however, he’ll get on point. He’ll forget rather quickly his reason for not wanting the relationship – no man wants to lose an amazing woman because he didn’t step up and claim her.
Keep busy with the rest of your life, so you will be less likely to behave like this. At this time you’re a free agent and it’s unsaid, but understood. This has to be a decision that you make without laying it out like it’s a stance. Being explicit about it makes you look manipulative and like you’re trying to lock him down.
You make him the center of your universe. This lowers your perceived value (to him) and self-worth. Focusing all of your energy toward him does not make you whole or fill that empty space. What it does is make you look needy and incapable of being content with your own life. If you drop friends or rearrange your schedule to accommodate him, he knows that you are going to keep giving as long as he is willing to take. He will keep on taking, while you think you’re simply winning him over with a flexible schedule, kindness and love.
With or without him you need to be complete. Happiness with any man isn’t dependent on his presence. It’s dependent upon your ability to give to you, others and yes him because you’re already happy. This is the point where you don’t need a relationship – you want one. You will give and receive with ease from a place of fullness. When you act out of need, to him you’re just creepy and he wants to run.
You don’t LISTEN:
When a man says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he’s not lying. The reason he gives you is a non-issue. It doesn’t matter how valid the reason may appear to be – It’s because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. End of story. FYI – The solution is not for him to work through a crisis so that he won’t have anything holding back either. Don’t wait around for him to get his shit together. Find someone who already does and wants you.
You don’t know how to communicate with Men:
You don’t know how to “talk guy” or when to shut up. He is indifferent for the most part to your everyday life. He doesn’t care about the asshole at work or what you ate for breakfast. He cares about getting to know you. You are a mystery. A present that when unwrapped should be just as beautiful on the inside as it is on the exterior. LET the mystery unfold and save the heart-to-hearts for a later date. Be open without dumping every woe or your life story within the first two weeks.
The “shut up” part I mentioned is literally what it sounds like. When you’re not sure of the answer to a question, zip it. If you really must know something, make it a statement. An example is the “where is this going” talk. Be casual: “The past four weeks have been so fun. I like spending time with you. Not sure where you’re at, but I’m not really interested in seeing other people”. Now you shut up and listen. There is no question or follow up question. You said your piece and it’s up to him to answer, not answer or avoid the question. Either way you will (if you pay attention) get your answer.
You live in the past:
Men don’t like drama queens and baggage. They don’t want to be compared to your loser ex who cheated on you.
The past should be left in the past. What you have in the present cannot be influenced by your last four relationships. While it’s great to look back for lessons and ways to formulate better behavior or a plan – it’s not an outline of a new relationship. The best reason to look back is to see that you are the common thread to all of these breakups. Just because your friends think you’re the best girlfriend ever, doesn’t mean that you don’t consistently mess up relationships. Fix that shit immediately.
Lisa Schmidt is a dating & relationship coach, contributor to The Huffington Post , coffee addict, Periscoper, super mom and universe-denter, based in Detroit, MI.