“Just do it”. I once heard they were the three most important words in the English language. Sure this is an article about dating, but it’s really about something that can help you take advantage of any opportunity you may find in life.
A few examples can be approaching someone for the first time, going out of your way at a networking event, taking the lead in an unfamiliar situation. It’s hard to step out our comfort zone because it’s so uncomfortable. But if you don’t step out you choose to stand in front of a brick wall without ropes to climb it.
Approaching someone for the first time in the dating world can be daunting. If you get nervous and overtaken by anxiety, that’s okay. By no means are you alone. But you have to go for it! You have to live like you only get one chance.
So here are some ways to help ease the tension of an approach or doing something socially that would otherwise be very difficult. Make sure you take the risk and use these suggestions. If you never take the risk, it’s a guarantee that you won’t get what you want.
1. Use Humor
Laughing eases tension, relieves stress and everybody loves it! Try not to take life too seriously. And don’t take approaching someone or expressing your feelings to someone too seriously. You are one of millions who is engaging in this process. It’s not a life or death matter. Start with a joke. Then focus on keeping the laughter going. Once you gain momentum, you’ll find that the rest of the work does itself for you.
2. Never Assume There Will Be A Second Chance
It’s very easy to put it off. To say to yourself, “I’ll take some time and think of a strategy and come back with it another time”. Although this may be possible in some scenarios, what if she’s not there when you come back? What if that second chance you assumed you’d had disappeared?
You must learn to act on the spot! This is a very difficult habit to develop, but the more you keep at it, the easier it gets. It is something that actually can become second hand. When we practice this, we train our brains to feel more comfortable with it.
3. Let Go Of The Fear Of Being Judged
This is one of life’s biggest fears and probably the one that holds us back the most. When we concern ourselves with how other people judge us, we make behavioral decisions based on someone’s judgement. When you find you are more influence by others than by your self, it’s time to stop and think about things.
If you do not let go of caring what other people think, your life will conform to others’ standards. You will loose “yourself”. When we act on others’ judgements, our lives become much more difficult and it will be much more difficult to achieve your dating and life goals.
4. Engage In The Process
Don’t think about the outcome. In fact, don’t think as far as 5 minutes into the future. You need to be present. When you are present, all of your attention is in the moment. When you are in the moment, thoughts of the future or outcome cannot have any effect on you. When you settle into the calm space of the present you’ll find your encounter to be much more enjoyable and authentic.
And in the end, your memories are made from what you did choose to do. The actions you took will be with you for a lifetime. Just think of how much better it will be one day to think back and remember the folly of a rejection than it will to remember yourself not taking the chance at all.
So you’re in a long distance relationship and things are starting to get stale. You feel that you’re losing connection with your partner and you fear this could damage the relationship you’ve worked so hard to build. What’s more, you’ve never had any past long distance relationships so all of this may be new to you.
Long distance relationships certainly aren’t easy. They take more work and effort than in person relationships. There is a need to maintain consistent communication, to maintain connectedness from miles and miles away.
There are some things you can both do to help keep that connection strong and to be more engaged with each other. The more engaged people are in their long distance relationships, the more successful they are. Here are six things that will put deeper meaning and connection into long distance relationships:
1. Share a Mutual Calendar
This is my favorite. Create a mutual Google calendar and add your daily activities. These can be appointments, meetings time in class, etc…This helps you see your partner’s life. It gives you an idea from a distance of what your partner’s days looks like. It also serves as a great way to know when good times are to engage in contact.
2. Watch TV Mutually
This one is really fun. Pick a TV show or a movie and watch it with each other over the phone or video chat. You will actually feel connected while you do this. Although you’re not physically together, this does give you a higher dynamic of connection than nothing but phone calls. I’ve been in a couple long distance relationships and this has been one of the best tools we’ve used to stay connected. You actually will feel like you and your partner are sharing the experience on a deep level.
3. Video Chat Mutual Masturbation
You read that right. It’s bold and these days it probably isn’t secure, but if you’re willing to not care about that you will have a great time. Trust me.
4. Home made Greeting Cards Or Love Notes
What’s a relationship without something made out of love? The same rule applies to long distance relationships. It’s getting something of physical substance that does it. Think of the excitement of opening a homemade card or a handwritten love note. Taking the extra time to do these small things will go a long way!
5. Surprise Visits
We all know that you can’t sustain long distance relationships without visits. But there’s something so special about a surprise visit. Take a look at your shared calendar and pick a day to travel to see your partner. The excitement of the surprise holds strong power over maintaining a feeling of connectedness.
6. Intensive Texting
Sounds simple enough but long distance relationships require much more communication time than local relationships. This means that it is imperative to stay on top of things. It is something you need to put very high on your priority list. We all love those little reminders that express someone’s love for us. Sometimes going back and forth with a play-by-play of your days makes you feel like you are both “in it” together.
So hop on some of these things TODAY! Your long distance relationship doesn’t have to be going bad to start working toward a stronger feeling of connectedness. Do these things to feel connected all the time. That loving connection that you nurture will stay strong even over the greatest distances.
You think you’re on to something. You met a great guy. The two of you went out for a few dates and from your end things seemed fabulous, but all of a sudden, he goes dark on you. You haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t answered your texts.
Yes. He vanished like a ghost in face of what you thought was a blossoming relationship. What’s more, you’re dating life hasn’t been the best recently.
Guys pull disappearing acts for many reasons. Most of the time, it’s not you! Here are a few things that usually contribute to getting ghost’d while you’re dating someone.
1. Fear Of Commitment
He may really be into you. Dating you may have been one of the better decisions he’s made. But he doesn’t want to keep dating because he knows it’s going so well that he sees commitment on the horizon. He may not be ready to commit or he may have a fear of commitment. He may fear the loss of his old lifestyle. He can also have a fear of the unknown as he may not be use to commitment. Or even a fear of a successful relationship because all he may be used to is chaos. Whatever the case may be, don’t take things personally. That is the most important thing to remember.
2. Poor Communicators
Sometimes he may find he doesn’t want to keep dating at all. Or this just isn’t the right time for him. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to tell you. He simply doesn’t possess the communication skills needed to end on good terms. He may be afraid of the outcome if he were to talk about it directly. I constantly work with my clients on communication skills. They are essential to a sustained, fulfilling relationship.
3. Ex Running In The Background
That’s right. He could still be hung up on her. Listen to him in conversation. If he brings her up quite a bit, take heed. He still may be hanging on and she may want him back. Some guys get tangled up with their exes to the point where it is very difficult to get out of the relationship. He may have gone back to his ex and it was just the easier option for him to vanish.
4. Hasn’t Gotten Over A Previous Relationship
Sometimes it’s just too early for anyone to start dating again. For some people, they may not realize this until they are in middle of dating someone new. He could still be licking his wounds from his previous relationship. This may cause him to retreat. Things about your relationship with him could be bringing up painful memories of his previous love life. He could get dragged down by this and just choose to isolate and cut things off without telling you.
5. He’s A Player
Quite simply, he may have found someone he likes more. He could be concurrently dating many women while dating you at the same time. Maybe he didn’t communicate this to you. Maybe it’s something he doesn’t want to let go of because he’s just not sure. He could have easily got wrapped up with someone else and just lumped you into a pile with everyone else that he disappeared on.
What can you do? Well, if you haven’t reached him by now, chances are you’re not going to be able to talk it out with him. It’s time to move on. Accept his absence for whatever reason and find someone new. Life is way too short.
Communication Is The Cornerstone of a Successful Relationship
Communication may be one of the most important makers or breakers of a healthy, long lasting relationship. So many serious relationships fall victim to poor communication. Tragically, they don’t even realize it as a problem and wind up breaking up for reasons that could have easily been resolved. Different couples have different styles of communication. It is just a matter of finding out what works best between you and your partner.
Communication is one of the most common issues I address as a relationship coach. So many clients come to me proclaiming their serious relationship is in jeopardy because of some catastrophic issue. After getting to know the couple and the dynamics of how they communicate, I often find quickly that there is either a lack of communication or the couple needs to refine how they have been communicating.
There are ineffective and effective ways of communication and there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to communicate. Let’s have a look at some of both to demonstrate:
Ineffective Communication Styles
Not Listening. “What? Listening isn’t communication?” Yes it is and it’s major. If you are only thinking of what you are angry at and what you are going to say next or find that opportunity to talk over your partner you have no chance of successfully connecting to meet a resolution.
Passive Aggressive. This is one of the most common and sinister means of communicating with your partner. Its biggest threat here is leaving the other party wondering what he did. Passive aggressive communication is noticed, but is most often misinterpreted. It is completely ineffective in conveying precisely what is bothering you. Address the problem head on. Don’t hide behind what you think is a strategic way to address an issue.
Yelling, Screaming and Name-calling. You need to maintain emotional control. If your emotions get the best of you, you will get nowhere fast. When we yell and scream, we only trigger the same reaction in our partners. And name-calling is just disrespectful. There is no place for it in any relationship ever. Beware of name-callers!
Once you’ve identified your poor communication points, you now have the awareness to change them. Once they change, you will see how your new method of communicating positively will impact your relationship. Changing it is not easy, but it’s about finding what works best for you. You should be practicing healthy communication skills in ALL of your relationships.
Here are some points to keep in mind not only in the way you communicate with your partner, but in your day to day life.
5 Effective and Healthy Communication Styles
Identify The Issue. When you are ready to talk, make sure you are both on the same page about the problem you want to address. It is common for many couples to have polar opposite ideas of what is bothering the other person in the relationship. Align yourselves.
Listen Carefully. Listening to your partner without focusing on yourself or ANYTHING else is critical. You cannot get an understanding of someone’s feelings if you don’t give them a fair chance to express themselves in the best way they can. Don’t interrupt. Don’t talk over. Just sit and listen, then you respond.
Put Yourself In Her Shoes. Try to understand where your partner is coming from. What is her reasoning? What feelings have been hurt and why? Empathize with your partner and let her know that you understand. This will help the conversations that follow immensely.
Talk It Out. Once both of you have expressed your concerns and have come to an understanding of what is bothering the other, use communication to come up with a solution TOGETHER. When you both understand an issue in the relationship and work as a team, not only will it resolve the issue, it will be of substantial help in any future issues.
Take Your Time. Don’t move faster than the situation will allow. You will get a feel for the pace of your solution finding once you begin to open clear lines of communication. It may be something that you can do immediately or it may be a solution that will only work with hard work, time and dedication.
So don’t ignore the communication cornerstone. With some practice and patience, you will see how drastically things will change.
Opportunity. That’s what I see in Christmas. And there are so many opportunities to nurture your relationship during the Holiday. As with all holidays, Christmas comes with its novelties. Costumes, trees, stockings, reindeer, etc…The list goes on. If you’re in a relationship and you need to spice it up, it’s always a good move to take sexual advantage over a season’s novelties.
In the spirit of crackling wood by the fire and hot elf costumes, I came up with some role playing fantasies and activities that could serve as gifts or just a great opportunity to have some fun!
Sitting On Santa’s Lap
Here comes Santa Clause, Here Comes Santa Clause…dressed up in your living room, sitting on the recliner waiting to hear your Christmas desires. On his lap you go. And you run down your list and he stops you and says, “whoa whoa slow down there Rudolf. You were a bad girl this year.” So now you think it might be a good idea to change Santa’s mind. Believe me. Santa’s gift list isn’t set in stone, but what you’re sitting on is starting to feel like it is.
Erotic Gifts As Stocking Stuffers
Having last minute trouble finding stocking stuffers? Hey! Don’t forget about adult stores and sex toys. You know those gifts that you want to open and play with immediately? The exciting gifts. The ones you think about all year long. Hopefully you put them on your list! A priceless look on your face is guaranteed when you pull a Rabbit out of your stocking.
Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
After you put the kids to bed, it’s milk and cookies time for you and daddy Santa. Feed Santa his cookies. Let him feed you. Let go and get into it. Give Santa his first gift. Take him right there by the fireplace. Just don’t wake the kids.
If your single (or swingers), throwing a sex themed Christmas party might not be a bad idea! And what hotter Christmas costume than the elf?!? So everyone dresses up like elves and agrees to an orgy themed party. Make plenty of egg nog and rage until dawn. Holiday cheer guaranteed.
Take a Risk At The Christmas Party
Don’t be shy. It’s okay to sneak off into a closet with someone. Your boyfriend, some random guy you just met. It doesn’t matter; it’s Christmas. Spread that Holiday love wherever you go!
Christmas Morning Delight
Santa gets bold this year. He wakes you up before the kids get up. “It’s time for gifts dear”. You wonder what the hell is going on and if he is serious about taking you downstairs to the tree to exchange gifts. But that’s not what happens. No no. Santa’s looking to give you more than what you can think of; he’s going to re-write your Christmas list this year.
I’m an advocate for peaceful breakups. In my last article I talked about how to be friends with your ex after a breakup. I would like to provide a preface to that article here and talk about the importance of ending things with your ex on good terms.
I know what’s going through your head: “Why on earth would I want to breakup with my ex on good terms? I mean, we’re breaking up. We’re not going to be together. Isn’t that the point?” Well, yes and no. A romantic separation is the end you and your ex wish to achieve. This may not be possible for some people as many relationships end in chaos and turmoil. However, if you’ve had a healthy relationship and you are both on the same page about the breakup, there is no reason to throw away the friendship you have built together.
“He’s my best friend.” That’s what you said when you were together. And it was true. You two were inseparable. There was more than romance, there was true human connection. Whether you were aware of it or not, you forged a song platonic bond with your ex that could be more fulfilling and longer lasting than romance.
That bond is about the world you’ve built together. The mutual friends, the relationships you’ve forged with family members, doing those interesting things that you two mutually loved so much. Ending with your ex on good terms is not only healthy, but in your best interest.
And I know you’ve got the question in your head: “But a breakup is a breakup. How can I possibly end it on good terms?”
Here are five points to go by during and after a breakup with your ex. They will surely put you on the path to reconnecting at some point in the future:
Communication is the most important part of any decision a couple could make. Clear and mature communication during a breakup is critical. Both of you need to be on the same page. Neither can be left wondering about the future. Have a solid talk and be real about your current feelings and your desire not to lose the friendship.
I strongly advise a period of no contact after your breakup. Yes, this is part of ending on good terms. You will need this time to regroup; to focus on yourself. As time goes by you’ll become less emotionally attached to him and the idea of being with him. This will put you in a position to be emotionally prepared to rekindle the friendship.
Knowing yourself is paramount. You must be able to look inside and read your own feelings in an objective way. This is critical in re-establishing contact with your ex as it will help determine your timeline for becoming friends again. When you are in the process of talking again, you should be able to spot any left over romantic feelings or feelings of hurt or anger from the relationship.
4. Willingness To Let Go.
Of course there were things that hurt you in the relationship. The breakup happened for a reason. You must be willing to let go of those old feelings. If you still experience negative emotions, it is not a good time to start talking again. If you have a strong level of self-knowledge you will be able to search out and deal with these feelings appropriately.
5. Don’t Take Things So Seriously.
Sure you were in a relationship with your ex, but that’s over now and hopefully you’ve moved on. Focus on the positive aspects of re-connecting with your ex. Try to laugh and use humor to guide your interactions. Joke about the past. Tell new funny stories. Go out and do something fun!
This may seem like a fantasy scenario considering the nature of most breakups. It is, however, possible if both partners’ possess a strong level of emotional maturity and self-knowledge. You CAN be friends again! Keep your mind on the friendship and the positive things that you liked about your ex. With a little time and effort you two should be back in friendship mode and ready to have a blast.
When your sex life feels like it’s vanishing, you’re going to need to pull some tricks out of the bag. Otherwise, well, we all know what happens otherwise. So the question is what’s going to do it for you two? You should both ask, “what does it for me?” then merge your answers. A lot of people love fantasy. And there are tons of sizzling hot fantasies you can role play.
Sit down and have a discussion. Put your hottest fantasies on a list and compare. The mutual process of doing this may get you hot in and of itself.
In picking out some fantasies to share with you, I searched my own mind and asked some friends what fantasies they would most like to bring to life. Here we go:
Teacher And Student. Have you ever been hot for teacher?
Reminisce back to your days in school. Talk about teachers you both found hot. Tell each other how bad you wanted them to just take you. Then make the conversation reality. You can do this at home or take the risk of going to a University during off hours. I prefer the later. Sit him down at the desk. Tell him his grades are poor and there’s “not much” he can do about it. “You can kiss that scholarship to Yale goodbye, kiddo. Unless you’d do one thing.” Then you slowly approach him, you sit on the desk and whisper things in his ear. Give him no choice. “If you want to pass, you’re going to do everything I tell you.”
Lifeguard & The Distressed Swimmer.
This is one of my favourites because I’m a swimmer. It is possible, however, it would be difficult to execute in a public pool. If you don’t want to take it that far, you can use your bathtub. “OMG. He’s drowning.” You have pull him out of the tub. You have to give him mouth to mouth. He’s not responding. You’re looking for something out of the box to wake him up. You slowly slide your hand down inside of his bathing suit and start to feel him coming back to life.
The Cop and the Criminal.
This one is great. I’d advise using costume. Dress up like a police officer. He’s alone in the house. You’re there to execute a warrant for soliciting a prostitute. He won’t let you in, so you have to use force; use force on the door and on him. You immediately consider him a threat. You have no choice but to submit him. You cuff him and render him helpless (yes, it’s worth getting real cuffs for this). Now he’s all yours; you have complete control. You give him some options: “I take you to jail or we start with oral”. This is the best part because now you can be creative. Whatever gets you off is fair ground. Blow him while he’s cuffed. Cuff him to the bed. Fuck him so hard he feels punished.
Yoga Instructor and Student.
You should both actually go to yoga class before you execute this one. It will get you hotter. So you assume the role of the teacher. He is the eager student. You bend him. You mold him into your favourite positions. You go the extra mile to “teach” him THE position you want most. “Hold that position, dear. We’re going to forget about yoga for now.”
Oh no. He’s confined to his bed. What a pity. Luckily your the nurse assigned to take care of him. It’s your job to feed him, see to it that he gets his medication and make sure he’s comfortable. Get a nurse outfit and a prescription of Cialis. Do your job and see to it that he takes his meds. Then it’s your job to make sure he’s comfortable with the effects of the medication.
So you find yourself missing your ex. That’s right. MISSING HER. But the thing is, you’re not missing her in an “I want to get back together” kind of way. It’s more of a platonic way. You are missing the friendship, the fun things you did, the laughs, the conversation.
If you’re wondering if it’s possible to re-connect with your ex and have a platonic relationship, the answer is most certainly yes! The questions are, are you both ready? How do you find that out?
It starts with a thorough examination of yourself. Take a deep look inside. Examine your feelings, your motives. Be honest with yourself in what you want. If you find that in good faith, you want to have a platonic relationship with your ex there are a few things that need to happen first and there are some steps to follow that will bring you two together on a platonic level.
1. Take Some Time Off After The Breakup
I think this is something we all do (or hope to achieve) by default when we breakup with someone. The key is no contact and no poking around looking for news about her. It’s total cut off. There are great benefits to being single or you may wind up in another relationship.
2. Contact Her When You Know The Time Is Right
How much time do you take off? The answer is that it is one of those things you will “just know when it’s right”. You will feel comfortable with the idea of reaching out to her.
3. Tell Her What You Want.
This is critical. You must communicate your intentions. Be direct. Tell her, “I’m contacting you because I’m wondering if you were interested in being friends. You know, ‘just friends’”. Do this in no uncertain terms.
4. Accept Her Response
You may not get what you want to hear. She may not be ready. She may be in a new relationship and having you as a friend could have an effect on that relationship. On the other hand she could be open to it (and most likely will if you ended on good terms).
5. Meet And Greet
So if you both decided that you want to have a go at it, get together. This where you will really find out if it’s possible to be “just friends”. This is when you have to be extremely self aware. Are you having any romantic feelings whatsoever? Is there any sexual spark? Does the dialogue make you feel like you are in the relationship again? Is it comfortable?
So discussion becomes the most important part after you two have agreed to meet up. If you can clearly feel pure motive in yourself and if she is communicating that it is okay for her, then you may be on to something. Breakups are hard. They crush us. It feels like we are robbed of someone who became a part of ourselves. That doesn’t have to be permanent. They say pick someone who you could see yourself being best friends with. If you’ve followed that advice, that friendship will last forever.
What does “hot” mean?
I’m sure we all think of something similar when we use this word. Right now everyone reading this probably has the objective standard of the guy with the ripped abs or the fit yoga instructor. But are they really hot? Are they really attractive?
By objective Western standards, one would say yes. But the truth is, the definition of hot or what is attractive really depends on you and your energetic connection with any given person. I believe beauty becomes subjective once we begin to feel the energy of the person behind the ripped abs. Has a personality ever repulsed you? Have you ever found someone totally unappealing only to slowly find out that you were becoming more and more attracted as you interacted with him? Did you ever get to know the guy at the gym with the ripped abs and find him hideous after he opened his mouth? This is real.
I believe in “energy compatibility” or “energetic attraction”
I define this as attraction based on the dynamics of personal interaction with another; it is the organic synergy that occurs when two people interact. Combined with what we find to be physically attractive, we can look at this as “holistic attraction”.
You may meet someone who you’re not too excited about at first glance. Who knows, the visual level may totally break the deal without further investigation. Only when we take the time to engage someone, to “feel” the dynamics of how we connect with each other will we truly know we are attracted.
I’ve met “model type” women, only to be permanently repelled by their personalities. That in turn has actually made these women less visibly attractive. It’s as though the objective standard of what is hot dissolves. I’ve also met women who are far from the Western profile of “hot” and have found myself delightfully surprised to wind up attracted to them.
So simply take the time to get to know someone
Don’t let what you see stop you from finding out what is on the inside. When I say “energy” in this context, I am talking about the degree to which your interplay with someone “clicks”. We all have energetic dynamics in our relations with everyone we know. These connections or disconnections are what truly make or break our relationships. So that’s the real acid test of the guy with the ripped abs. Are you energetically compatible? Does his energy make him hot or hideous?
Someone may pop up in your life who doesn’t quite cut it right of the bat. Romantic involvement may be the furthest thing from your mind. But I believe that people really do come into our lives for a reason. Don’t push anyone away. “The one” may be right under your nose, but you could be ignoring him based on your idea of what society has conditioned you to find attractive.
Challenge that. Don’t become a slave of “herd” mentality. This is about finding who your heart really wants to connect with. It’s about finding true love.
Are you sick of having tons of breakups in one breakup? You know what I mean. You want to break up with him. You have a talk. You tell him you are breaking up with him, then five days later you find yourself in the sac with him again. And this cycle usually repeats itself an unreasonable amount of times.
All you ever wanted was to break up! But you didn’t do it the right way. Here are 5 essential guidelines to a successful breakup:
1. Be Clear.
Be sure to schedule the breakup conversation. Make it clear to him that the conversation you want to have is serious. When you tell him, say it NO UNCERTAIN TERMS. Leave no room for questions or hope for the future. Put your reluctance to hurt him aside and do this for yourself. Tell him, “I am breaking up with you for good.” Ask him, “do you understand?” If he says he doesn’t, help him to understand: “I don’t want to be with you anymore and I will not be talking to you for an indefinite period of time.”
2. Don’t Communicate.
He will try to plead with you. He will text you and he will call. Don’t read his texts no matter what. Ignore the calls. Block him if you know it will be too hard. You must send him the message that you are serious. The more you don’t reciprocate, the quicker he will get used to it. And his attempts will become further and fewer between.
3. Don’t Look For Intel in Your Local Gossip Network.
Avoid conversations about him. If you live in a small town or he is part of your network of friends, don’t try to find out what he’s been up to. You don’t need to know. You shouldn’t know. It’s none of your business and it will only hurt you. It could lead to getting back together and then yet another breakup!
4. Stay Away From His Social Media Profiles.
Block him if you can’t control yourself. Don’t look at any of his posts. This will only keep you close to him. It will serve as a constant reminder and make it a lot easier for you to respond to his pleas. You need him out of sight out of mind!
5. Don’t Bend.
This is the hardest and most important one. Stick to your guns. You laid down the law now follow it. There are no exceptions to the decision you have made and the rules you have established. You are the one who has the power of choice. Breaking up with him may have been the most difficult thing you’ve had to do in a long time. Choose to make it permeant. Choose to stick with what is best for yourself.
We break up with people for reasons. Usually for our own good. Why sabotage that? Sure it’s difficult, but it doesn’t have to be impossible. Pat yourself on the back for making a good decision. Follow through with that decision for your own well being. Put yourself first and make a breakup a breakup once and for all.