Girls, I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. It’s one that I wish I’d been let in on many years ago. For a long time, (and I think many of us go through this) I thought I knew exactly what I was doing in relationships and how to get what I wanted from a guy. I had a few long term relationships where I thought I was in control, until the inevitable point came when I felt like I wasn’t being heard. I got continually frustrated because I dumped all of my preconceived expectations on my partners and wondered why they didn’t respond to my secret language of communication, which basically consisted of not telling them how I really felt. That’s why I always say that it’s okay for women to
Be selfish in love and ask for what you want and need.
Most of us women feel like we’re not being listened to. We so often don’t feel loved and appreciated enough by our other halves. Here’s my little secret….are you ready? If you want something, you just have to ask for it! And you know what; it’s OK to ask a guy for anything and everything you want, in a very specific way. Let’s be honest…men need things SPELLED OUT to them continuously. They often need to be reminded that we are important too, because let’s face it, they walk around in their own little world. We can be the most important person on earth to them, but we can also be taken for granted without them realizing they are doing it.
Why do women hold back?
The reason so many of us ladies resist communicating genuine feelings, and leave so much unsaid, is because we’ve been conditioned to believe that asking for what we want is against the ‘rules’. We’ve been brought up to live by the fact that asking for exactly what we need and going after whatever we want is basically selfish. But the thing is, asking for our needs to be met isn’t selfish at all, in fact it’s the complete opposite.
Why it’s okay to be a selfish bitch once in a while:
It’s healthy to communicate with your partner and let them know if something isn’t quite floating your boat. It’s refreshing for a man to be told ‘no don’t do it like that, I like it when you do it like this’, or to be directed to buy you something slightly different that they otherwise wouldn’t have chosen on their own. Besides, if someone is never told, how will they ever learn and get to know you? Now I’m not suggesting you start shouting from the rooftops about how your partner isn’t giving you what you need, but it’s about becoming assertive instead of passive aggressive in your relationships.
Be realistic and make reasonable requests.
First, check that you’re not putting unrealistic assumptions and expectations onto your partner. Make sure your problems aren’t ones you have with yourself. The next time you feel undervalued, or let you down by your guy, and you’ve checked in with yourself to make sure it’s not your issue first, instead of flying into a mood or shutting down, think about how you can communicate with them in a compassionate way. Talk to your partner about how their actions have made you feel and make suggestions for how they could go about things differently the next time. You’ll be amazed at the response. You have to ASK to get what you want. Your other half might be the love of your life but they’re not a mind-reader! Yes, the balance of roles will always change in a relationship, sometimes you’ll be more of a caretaker and leader and sometimes your partner will be, but clear, truthful, and assertive communication is key to long lasting relationships. So let go of the selfish bitch label right now and start exercising your right to ask for whatever you want and need!
Natalie Edwards is a coach and writer. Combining her Forrest yoga teacher training with powerful coaching and meditation techniques, she provides a toolbox for people to learn to heal themselves and create their own emotional and physical well-being in their life and relationships. You can find out more about her and her work and on her Website, Twitter, and Facebook.