There is a popular saying that you can’t keep doing things the same way and expect different results. And there is the biblical saying that you should first remove the log in your own eyes, before you can see clearly to remove the speck in your friend’s or neighbour’s eyes.
Ladies, this article is all about removing the speck in our own eyes, before we start to complain about the behaviour and inactions of the men in our lives. There are four specific logs we are going to be dealing with. Let’s try not to cringe, if you do see yourself, instead, attempt to make positive changes.
1. If you are rude and lack manners
In as much as there are really nice and cultured ladies out there, there are not that many. They are rare, and totally worth their weight in diamonds, if you catch the drift. Michael once shared his first date diary with us and, although it was a pretty normal date, the part that he did not include was the rudeness of his date.
They had gone out to an upscale restaurant for their first date, and all was well, until the inquisition started. She wanted to know all the details of his life at once, and his attempts to change the topic to something light were rebuffed. In fact, he was told point blank that he better answer the questions, or there would be no second date. Talk about presumptuousness.
It did not end there. She went on to talk about her exes, and men in general, and it was all done in a loud and nasty manner, giving no concern to the fact that they were in a public place. If you were in Micheal’s shoes, you would not want to go on a second date, much less actually have any meaningful relationship with such a person.
The simple fact is this; the first three dates are like a casual dance to see how you fit, they are not meant to be tell-all dates. Definitely not the place to talk about money, like Michael’s date did.
2. If you want to eat your cake and have it
There is a movie which a local station has been showing for some time now, and the story line runs along the lines of three ladies, all who were dating other men, besides their steady boyfriends and fiancés; Alhajis, Chiefs, Toy Boys, and even their bosses, they all had these on a string, making promises they had no intention of keeping.
What happened in the end was predictable, as the steady boyfriends all got wind of the competition they had, and planned the best pay back for the ladies. One flew the coop, with all of his lady’s business capital; the second left his bride at the altar, literally; and the last one was dumped by both men (who were friends and flat mates). All of them lost out in the end.
In the movie, one of the friends of the ladies cautioned her about her philandering ways, and she had retorted that she was not going to put all her eggs in one basket. Well, in the end, she had no basket to put her eggs anymore, and literally, had to carry them by herself.
While you can get away with cheating on your partner for a while, one day it will come out, because secrets do have a way of coming out, so tread carefully. If your man finds out that he is just an option, not the main guy, and he decides to take a walk, remember, he did nothing to you, you did it all to yourself.
3. If you do not have standards
The danger in not having any set standard is that when you have gone way below where you want to be, you wouldn’t know the difference. True, we can find love in strange places, but having standards and thresholds help define where you would be looking for love.
Chidera shared her story of how she had always been willing to settle for just about any man, and she did settle for some low men; men who hit her, drained her emotionally, and left her hating herself.
Still, Chidera was hopeful that things would look up one day, and that she would meet the man of her dreams, but it did not get better. Her last relationship was the worst she had ever been in. He was a divorcee, who had a history of wife-battery, but Chidera, desperate and needing to be loved, accepted the love he offered.
Thinking he was going to be an older man who, having experienced some of the harsh sides of life, would be more understanding. She poured her life into him, he filled her waking and sleeping thoughts. He had become her life, and he took advantage of her. They eventually broke up, when he used a secret she had shared with him, to insult her in the heat of a terrible argument they were having over money. He told he, it was because of her character that no man had ever stayed with her.
Chidera couldn’t take that lying down. She walked out of the relationship, and never looked back. It made her realise how low her self esteem was, and how she had grown accustomed to looking to others for validation. She has since moved on to loving herself, and only herself, as she has since realised that was the only way she would be able to discern a man who loved her, and not one who wanted to use her, for whatever reasons.
At least now, she knows that the outcome of her last relationship, and the ones before that, was no fault of the men, but solely hers. She did not know what she wanted, hence settled for anything.
4. If you are too dependent
Some women are notorious for doing this; becoming too dependent on a man for everything. While men like to fend for their loved ones, it says a lot about the woman, if she is able to pitch in once in a while, instead of leaving absolutely everything to the man.
It is plain gold- digger signal that any man gets, once you start to expect him to provide for your needs and wants, especiall if you are not married to him. If you are like that, prepare for what is coming next; you might not be treated well. And that will only be a shame, absolutely.
Seen yourself yet? The idea is, before you point fingers in the direction of men, as the harbinger of your pain, search within you, to see where your shortcomings are and fix it.