Dealing with a breakup of a marriage or long term relationship will always be a very hurtful time but it doesn’t mean you are a failure or your life is over. There are thousands of people in the same situation but the good news is; there is someone special out there for you when you are ready to receive them. The most important thing to remember is we all deserve real love in our lives but we have to allow it into our lives! Life is definitely complicated and we are all here on this continual learning curve about who we are and what really makes us happy.
What makes so many of us choose the wrong person?
Sometimes this happens when we are young and naive; or we settle for someone we don’t really love. We may talk ourselves into a relationship due our ticking biological clocks and having children, the pressure from our family and friends or we just get caught up in the romantic or sexual nature of it all without making sure the relationship is a really good fit. A “forever” partnership is not an easy thing to maintain for the average couple as we are all evolving at different stages in our lives. Unless we grow in similar directions, this will be a big problem for many people.
5 tell tale indicators that your marriage/relationship is over:
- You’ve lost that loving feeling ~ you no longer look forward to coming home and find reasons not to.
- You feel constant anxiety in their presence ~ whether it be from fear/abusive situations, extreme boredom or loss of respect for them.
- There is no sexual attraction at all & in some cases you may even feel repulsed by the thought of it.
- You both have absolutely nothing in common ~ you have grown in completely different directions.
- You’ve tried counselling and even they give you a business card for a divorce lawyer!
So now what do you do? What will everyone say and how do you deal with the aftermath?
People talk and love a good story so don’t give them one. It is sad but true how others get enjoyment out of someone else’s misery! Be careful not to allow those people to get too close to you at this vulnerable time. You are fragile enough without having to deal with all the gossip and judgmental comments from them as well. This is your life and no one should be talking about your business but you & your Ex; especially if there are children involved. It is easy to vent to anyone who will listen but it really is in your best interest to only divulge things to a trusted friend or family member. You don’t need the added drama.
Isn’t it easier just to stay in this relationship rather to have to fight to get out of it?
Nothing is easier when it is unhealthy. Everyone deserves to be happy and have a loving partnership. Many people stay in relationships due to the kids but don’t fool yourself into thinking this is always the best scenario. Children are sponges and pick up on a lot more than you may realize. If they see a loveless marriage for most of their lives it can cause problems in their own relationships down the road. Money is another big reason for many couples to stay together but you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it in the long run to be tied to someone for only that reason. You are holding on to one aspect and giving up so many other qualities of life. It’s not all about the big house or fancy car; reciprocated love and great sex is worth way more than any material item.
10 steps that can help you to get over a divorce or long term relationship breakup:
- Take some time away from communicating with your Ex to really understand what went wrong, what you learned & how to improve upon yourself. There are ALWAYS two sides to a breakup. Knowing that you also played a part in it will bring you “closure” faster. Talking to them or constantly seeing them in person just makes it that much harder to get over them.
- Do not jump into another relationship right away! You have to heal your heart before you can give it to someone else. (It is also very hurtful for the rebound partner because you still have too much emotional baggage to involve someone else into the mix!)
- Concentrate on doing things you wanted to do but couldn’t do when you were in your relationship.
- Join clubs, take courses and go on a vacation or weekend trek somewhere. Get your thoughts in a positive space and not in front of the TV watching chick/dick flicks & binging on junk food. (Or even worse; watching your wedding video over & over!)
- Don’t drown or eat your sorrows away: Put the haegandaz back in the fridge ladies & get active. Guys; watch the beer/liquor consumption or bar visits! (Women tend to cry at home while men get out right away with their buddies.)
- Relieve your sexual tension ~ alone! (Unless you have a “friends with benefits partner” that you have a mutual non-committal agreement with.) Sex with someone too soon can mess you up even more! The phrase “To get over one, get under another!” is not always a great idea as it can make you miss your ex even more!
- Put your energy into “you” (& the kids if you are a parent) not into finding another partner immediately. Being healthy and looking & feeling good is the best way to move forward. You will be surprised at how much better your mindset is when venturing out for a walk in the sunshine, hitting a yoga class or hiking in the wilderness. Nature is a beautiful way too to help erase the sadness in your heart.
- Get rid of romantic pictures of the once happy couple and memories that cause pain and any social media connections you have with your ex. Do not start “creeping them out” on Facebook or Instagram to see what they are up to and how much fun they are having without you. It will only make it harder to get over them & some of those photos are just an act anyway!
- Remember that they loved you once so don’t think the breakup is easy for them either ~ they just might be better at faking it than you are.
- Don’t make excuses as to why you can’t do new things to alter this new phase in your life. The more diverse you are, the less time you will have to be angry, sad or resentful.
Tips to help you to get back out socializing after a divorce/breakup:
- Wait at least 6 months to 1 year before you take dating in a more serious mode & do not make any major living arrangements with a new person for at least a year.
- Get off your couch! Prospective dates aren’t going to knock on your front door! Buy a dog or borrow one if you need a push to get out in public. (Walking a Great Dane or a puppy of any variety would certainly get you noticed!)
- If your friends have left you with the divorce you will need to find some new people to enjoy outings with. Join groups that interest you and I can’t stress it enough to put yourself out into mingle situations constantly! It cuts the breakup blues in half!
- I do suggest you try online dating when you are ready to get out there again but ask someone to help you with your profile & the “initial weeding out” of unsuitable prospects so you have a better understanding of what to look for. Many things change when you have been out of the singles market for 5+ years!
- Try not to continually cry to your friends about your breakup but be receptive to their advice and help. Don’t be fearful of altering some things about yourself. Diversity and change is the key to leading an exciting life!
- Loosen up! Especially, if you are a control freak or a stickler for a repetitive routine. (It is much nicer to be around people who are flexible.)
- Have a makeover ~ you may be stuck in an outdated or boring style. Does your hair or mustache scream 1980 porn star or does your wardrobe consist of sweatpants from Costco? Change it up!
- Take time away from your career or your kids for just “you” by doing something that you love. Burying yourself in tedious tasks to pretend that you’re not in pain is prolonging the breakup aftermath.
- Hire a dating coach if you feel lost on what to do. Even just a few sessions will help you regain your confidence in being newly single.
- Remember you are not alone. Breakups happen every day and there are plenty of online resources to help you deal with the ache in your heart. Help is always available; don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Take the good things from your past marriage/relationship breakup & bring them into your future partnership down the road. Remember; sometimes you have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet that wonderful person you want to share your life with. Each lesson we learn is a stepping stone that teaches us many things about ourselves & every one of them has its purpose. Acknowledging them and how they helped us grow as a person will lead us closer to a long lasting love and knowing who we truly are.
Relationship breakups don’t define who you are and can be a really good thing because it forces you to look deeper into what you may not have been aware of about yourself.
Love is the most valuable gift that we all are blessed to have at our fingertips and is available whenever we are ready. Once you understand that you are the one in charge of bringing the love you desire into your world; the sooner you will realize that every step you took on that road to get there, was worth the bumpy ride.
Believe you deserve love because you do! <3
We have a signed copy of Samantha Rodman’s book ‘How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce’ to give away. It’s filled with expert advice on how to talk about divorce with your children and other tips that can help along the way.
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A friend, who is going through a rough break-up asked me how to recover and move on. I wish I had a magic answer. A one size fits all, step by step guide that could relieve the pain, stop the obsessing and mend a broken heart. Although, I don’t have a magic cure, I do have some tips that will help speed up your recovery.
But first, let me explain the chemistry behind why break-ups are so difficult to “just get over”and feel a lot like withdrawing from a drug.
The Chemistry of Love
The beginning stage of the most relationships are so powerful. The impact of falling in love is intoxicating. Our emotions were so overwhelming and incredibly addictive.
Our brain literally became drenched in a potent cocktail of “love” and pleasure-inducing chemicals like: Adrenaline, Serotonin, Oxytocin, and Dopamine. Adrenaline was responsible that exuberating flood of energy during the initial phase and is also the reason of why many new lovers require less sleep and often lose their appetites.
Then add in the drop of Serotonin levels that accompany falling in love. This drop in Serotonin basically drives you to obsess about your lover. Not surprisingly, lower Serotonin levels are also found in people who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Next pour in a little Oxytocin, commonly referred to as the “bonding hormone”, which produces and solidifies the attachment between partners. This hormone is the same hormone that is released in the brains of mothers who give birth and is linked to the bonding that occurs between mother and her newborn.
Top that off with the all-pervading chemical, Dopamine, which arouses feelings of pleasure within the body and coincidently happens to be the same addictive chemical that is released when people eat chocolate or take a hit of cocaine. So, it’s not really not all that shocking that a break-up can feel as challenging as quitting a serious drug habit.
Go No Contact
The No Contact method is a form of going “cold turkey” and detoxing from your ex. The method prohibits contact of any kind for at least 90 days to give your mind time to withdraw from your ex and level out chemically. It also allows your heart time to heal without distractions that potentially can set you back.
No Contact doesn’t only mean that you don’t contact your ex, it also means that you don’t respond to your ex should they try to contact you. Full abstinence is the goal. No texting, no phone calls, no emails, no Social Media, no drive-bys, no cyber-peaking and no smoke signals. Your brain requires time to withdraw from the potent “love cocktail” much like an addict withdraws from drugs.
Check Your Ego
If the break-up wasn’t your decision, your ego may have a difficult time accepting the feeling of rejection. Your ego will try to trick you into hanging on and hoping for reconciliation. Your ego will keep you waiting for the “I miss you’s” or the “I wanna see you’s” or waiting for your ex to come crawling back on their hands and knees or maybe even wanting some vindication.
Your ego may even drive you to do some dumb things. Your ego isn’t trying to be malicious. It’s the ego’s dysfunctional way of only trying to prevent you from feeling pain. So check your ego and let it go and feel your feelings.
With your ego out of the way, you can cut your losses. Once your ego is totally flattened, there is hope, because now you have real ground to stand on and move forward from. Your self-esteem and self-respect will be gained by walking away with your dignity intact.
Get Out of The House
There is so much advice out there and it’s all so conflicting. Some people say start dating right away, others say, wait a while. I just say, “get out of the house”. Start doing what you love. Or, find new things to love. Take up a sport. Enroll in a class. Go out with friends. Make new friends. Go to the gym. Try new things. But, just get out there. Hey, if you meet someone you like, date them. Don’t be bound by too many rules. This is your time to be free to do as you choose.
Focus On What You Want
So often, people will advise you to write down all the cons about your ex on paper to remind you of all their negative qualities and quirks that irritated you. If this helps you, great. I personally don’t feel this strategy is all that beneficial because guess who you are focused on? That’s right…your drug! Now is the time to focus on yourself. Also, remind yourself of the popular wisdom in the statement “what you focus on e x p a n d s”. This is why I suggest writing down all the qualities in a partner that you WANT. Be specific and detailed and don’t leave anything out. This will bring the focus back on you and your wants and “when you want something, the universe conspires in helping you achieve it”. ~ Paul Coelho
We’ve all heard the old adage, “Life is a delicate balance of learning when to hold on and when to let go.” More times than not, we’re reminded of this when facing a turning point in our lives.
Change has been quipped to be the only constant in life. It is a necessary component of any form of growth, learning and aging. Often times change includes letting go, or saying goodbye to people, places or situations that we’ve loved dearly and for which we hold sentimental value.
Unfortunately, for the most part, society has been conditioned to believe that all loss is bad. We tend to desperately cling to what is familiar rather than saying goodbye to our idealized outcomes. Even when faced with the reality that what we had hoped for hasn’t or cannot be, many people still determinedly tend to hold on to what they know rather than reach out for the unknown.
Loss is a natural, unavoidable part of life.
Every relationship, situation and friendship is not meant to last. People pass through our lives, some staying longer than others, some staying longer than we should allow, and some not staying long enough.
All of our relationships teach us about ourselves if we take the time to reflect on them. Although it may be ingrained in our minds to believe that all loss is negative, we should consider that if we have learned something valuable about ourselves, then indeed no goodbye can be considered a total loss.
I encourage you to think of each loss and goodbye as a stepping stone in the journey of life. Although while facing a loss may be painful, indeed a necessary component of growth and opportunity is closing the door on one situation in order to discover that other doors that lead to opportunities.
This is not to deny that loss, regardless of the circumstances, may bring sadness, heartache or regret. However, each loss propels us along the path that we are meant to be on. When we decide to “settle” or consciously accept less than what we deserve, we stunt our development and hinder our progress to obtaining what we desire.
By not letting go of relationships or situations that no longer have value, we imprison ourselves from acquiring the true happiness we desire. Our fear of losing things ultimately causes us to suffer the greatest loss of all: The loss of our happiness and growth, having cheated ourselves out of these things when we become stagnant in fear.
In time, memories fade and losses become more distant.
They will weigh less as they are replaced with new life experiences, new people and new memories that foster our growth, add value to our lives and are emotionally rewarding.
We are born with intuition, but more often than not, we betray our gut feelings when we sense that something isn’t right or is “off” in some way. We let our emotions in the moment over-rule our instinctual knowledge when determining who or what to hold on to and who or what to say goodbye to.
Silencing intuition often comes with a steep price. Short-term happiness is never worth the cost of a lifetime of melancholy, but the difficulty lies in being comfortable in short-term sadness or fear, knowing that time will heal and offer new opportunities and experiences.
When it comes to personal relationships, it’s important to remember that nobody has the right to treat others poorly. An individual should never feel compelled to repeatedly “prove” themselves to others. Generally, if you’re in a relationship where you consistently feel as though you’re never enough, you’re in a relationship that is toxic. You should never feel guilty for saying goodbye to toxic people or situations.
There is a difference
Which is often a fine line, between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. Letting go is not giving up. Letting go is accepting that some things cannot and will never be. Saying goodbye is declaring, “I deserve better.”
Knowing when or how to let go or say goodbye is never easy. Nor is living with pain, angst and hopelessness. No person or situation is worth holding onto because of what they once were or used to represent in our life. It’s difficult to relinquish the picture of imagined futures, but one must in order to move forward and continue to grow.
Don’t let the fear of the unknown become a trap of rationalizations as to why you should settle for the familiar, despite however unsatisfying it may be.
I’ve seen many people hesitant to let go of relationships that are toxic because they are fearful that they will never meet anyone new. This is not a reason to stay. Given the immense number of people alive in the world today, it would be highly unlikely that you wouldn’t meet anyone; in reality, you may meet many other people and relationships as time progresses, each of those relationships offering you new experiences and growth. Also consider that perhaps you don’t need to find someone else, but rather, discover yourself.
If a person or situation isn’t enriching your life, has an unbalanced weight of maintaining the relationship, and isn’t adding positivity to your life, it maybe time to say goodbye.
Sometimes to reclaim and rebuild yourself and your true happiness, you have to let people go, or say goodbye to situations that are not rewarding and hinder your growth.
There is sage wisdom in the mantra, “Not everything that you lose is a loss.” It’s important to recognize that there is much “good” that is ushered in after saying a necessary “good-bye.”
Are you sick of having tons of breakups in one breakup? You know what I mean. You want to break up with him. You have a talk. You tell him you are breaking up with him, then five days later you find yourself in the sac with him again. And this cycle usually repeats itself an unreasonable amount of times.
All you ever wanted was to break up! But you didn’t do it the right way. Here are 5 essential guidelines to a successful breakup:
1. Be Clear.
Be sure to schedule the breakup conversation. Make it clear to him that the conversation you want to have is serious. When you tell him, say it NO UNCERTAIN TERMS. Leave no room for questions or hope for the future. Put your reluctance to hurt him aside and do this for yourself. Tell him, “I am breaking up with you for good.” Ask him, “do you understand?” If he says he doesn’t, help him to understand: “I don’t want to be with you anymore and I will not be talking to you for an indefinite period of time.”
2. Don’t Communicate.
He will try to plead with you. He will text you and he will call. Don’t read his texts no matter what. Ignore the calls. Block him if you know it will be too hard. You must send him the message that you are serious. The more you don’t reciprocate, the quicker he will get used to it. And his attempts will become further and fewer between.
3. Don’t Look For Intel in Your Local Gossip Network.
Avoid conversations about him. If you live in a small town or he is part of your network of friends, don’t try to find out what he’s been up to. You don’t need to know. You shouldn’t know. It’s none of your business and it will only hurt you. It could lead to getting back together and then yet another breakup!
4. Stay Away From His Social Media Profiles.
Block him if you can’t control yourself. Don’t look at any of his posts. This will only keep you close to him. It will serve as a constant reminder and make it a lot easier for you to respond to his pleas. You need him out of sight out of mind!
5. Don’t Bend.
This is the hardest and most important one. Stick to your guns. You laid down the law now follow it. There are no exceptions to the decision you have made and the rules you have established. You are the one who has the power of choice. Breaking up with him may have been the most difficult thing you’ve had to do in a long time. Choose to make it permeant. Choose to stick with what is best for yourself.
We break up with people for reasons. Usually for our own good. Why sabotage that? Sure it’s difficult, but it doesn’t have to be impossible. Pat yourself on the back for making a good decision. Follow through with that decision for your own well being. Put yourself first and make a breakup a breakup once and for all.
Have you ever dated a low value man? Well… I have. The one thing I am learning, low value men make it hard for you to leave. They destroy your ego and dignity until he’s all you have left. Then they leave you feeling worse about yourself every time they make you a low caliber woman. This is from experience … I miss the one person who did not only lie to me but treated me like I didn’t matter to him. I would love to be a weak woman and admit that I care about people more than they care about me but I won’t. Not today. Most women avoid being who they truly are to please a man. I do too. Especially when it doesn’t work according to plan. So, I smile with every bruise, dream with every disappointment and lift my head high to avoid confrontation.
My friends were asking me why I ‘refuse’ to move on from a low value man. In my defence, I refuse to move on because I am scared that being there is all I have left. This is probably because I lost the ability to love myself the minute I allowed myself to be defined by another individual. I know that chances of me meeting someone that makes my heart smile in this self loath condition twice are minimal. But who am kidding? Who am I hurting? Truth is… Just me.
Have you ever been in love alone? Have you ever asked the one person you love with every breath you take even after a string of lies, disrespect and finally a nasty and undeserved break up if they love you and they just fucking stared at you and said, “I don’t know.” Have you ever wished you’d be a different person because you can’t take it anymore? Have you ever listened to a lie and accepted it as a truth because enough is enough? Have you ever cried so much, it stopped hurting? Well… If you have, this post might make sense to you. This is my life and your life if you have, in a heartbeat. My journey to feminism atheism. That’s how I lost it with fate, hope, trust and faith. This is my heart out for criticism.
First of all, judge me but I must confess… I am scared of moving on because I am scared that if I do, I will lose the one person I have honestly loved for the first time in my life without any reasons or actions that have compelled me to. Countless better men would love to call me theirs but I don’t want those countless men… I want him with every breath I take. Sad reality? Never gonna happen. Most days, I think about him and hate my life. Sometimes, I smile even when I am sure I am my worst enemy. They say your first love is pretty special… My first love? Well… He was and is nothing but a liar, a cheat and a conniving man, yet I fell in love with him over and over despite confirming that every day. He was my liar, my cheater, my conniving man. With every lie, I made up some excuse for him. With every deceit, I understood his situation. After all, I was and am a girl in love.
Don’t get me wrong. Am in this alone. Yes, he has moved on and I have forgiven him for that but will he forgive me if I do? Restless nights, angry thoughts… I have let him define my happiness. I have become a slave to someone’s else’s idea of caring and love… I have become the very women I talk to, most days on my blog and vlog. I have disregarded my ideologies. I have let myself down. I am a disgrace to my religious beliefs. I am a let down to my peers. I am a hopeless case. I have abandoned my happiness at the expense of someone else’s happiness.
Most days, I lock my thoughts away in hell and hurt like the strong woman I am. I burn inside but the heat keeps me on toes. It awakens my cravings for success and my desires to be heard. Sometimes, I set up the fireplace for my own judgement. It’s better if you see it coming… Sometimes, it’s already lit, so it hurts less. Either way, I learn how to adopt and that’s the only way I know how.
My friend asked me why I have been so quiet and withdrawn for the past 4 months and all I could honestly tell her was, “No one can understand what’s going on with me. I don’t either.” It made me sound weak, indecisive, irresponsible and pathetic. There are days that I would make fun of weak people because I never knew how it felt to walk a mile in their shoe. Then… I walked several miles in their shoes. It’s not a piece of cake. I realised I have always been humane and it makes me weak but that’s what makes me truly human. A woman with no self love, beliefs or motivation to feel better about herself.
Keywords- self love, low value man, moving on.
I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you but I’m not sorry it happened. I am never going to ever ask you to leave her. I am never going to ask you to come back to me either. Never did, never will. I am not going to ruin a great thing for you. I appreciate you too much to ever do that. You taught me it’s possible to go against my rules on solitude, seclusion, self love, selfishness and finally, I loved someone for the first time in my life. You made me human. A great human being at that. You made me realise that there’s more to me than just the big ass and a smart brain I had defined myself to be. You made me a perfect writer, a great woman and a strong one at that. I owe my motivation and self drive to you. You made me see the light that would make my world brighter than I thought it could be. Yet, I am not sorry that I can’t be friends with you.
I am not sorry I fell in love with you. It’s better to have been in love alone than to have never experienced this beautiful but painful journey. I want to be too selfish and make you stay with me. Make you stay next to me all the time and be the person I can always text and call when I have a crappy day or need advice from a good perspective. You were my other mind when I wasn’t thinking straight. You made me calm when I started over thinking and panicking. I want you to be the person I can always reach out to. I want you to be the person who will let me know there is someone in this disgusting horrible and intimidating world who gives a fuck about me. As much as I never showed you how much you were my world and would love to show you… I won’t do that. I can’t do that. I can’t be the same women I hope not to encounter. What I’ll ultimately do is be sad and cry about this for a while, let myself feel this pain and despair until it drains everything from my already beat up body, mind and heart and then move on.
I would like to fight for you, ask you to take my breath away once again, change for you and surrender my ideologies and beliefs to you but I can’t do this to myself. I can’t do this to her as well. I can’t do this to the one human being I honour with all my heart… The little soul I lost. The joy I didn’t want. The joy I always wonder what it would be like if it was still around. The baby I wasn’t prepared for and therefore smiled all the way through its vanish. I remember telling you, “Everything happens for a reason.” This reason, I don’t quite wish to know.
I can’t let myself become the haunting ghost that pokes your relationship. I can’t be the woman who brings about fights in your perfectly happy relationship. From what I hear, she’s been there for you more than I’ll ever be. If there was a time machine, I’d go back to the day you met her and make sure you meet me instead. That’s the only way I’ll live my fairytale with you. That’s the only way I’ll ever make up for the love she gave you. The loves she gives you.
I want to be your friend and stay close to you. Hear your voice once in a while and warm my heart but I can’t. I can’t be friends with you because I can’t stay away from you and this hurts me. It hurts to know that you don’t think about me but it’s easy to believe it and accept it as well. So, I can’t be the selfless one. I have to be selfish when it comes to you for once. Being friends with you gives you the whole package to a perfect life. The good girlfriend in your arms every day and the ex you’re sure will always love you of she sticks around. If you ever cared… Let me move on.
Every day, I pray for 2 things. Your heart, and my heart. I always genuinely wish that you’re happy. Because you taught me true happiness. You became part of my dreams. You became my inspiration. Thank you. As I become my own person, I hope I’ll make someone else as happy as you made me.
I know I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you but I’ll never be sorry I did because you taught me that it’s possible to love someone enough to make yourself a better person because of them.
Everyone loves Oreos. That Oreo middle is second to none. But now you have to ask… which Oreos do I love? Double stuffed? Vanilla? Original? What was once just a delicious Oreo is now many things to many people.
Oreo diversified its brand… and so has cheating.
For my friend, Alex, his discovery of a Ten-Fingered Cheat began with the ping of his partner’s iPhone. The message was a notification from a gay hook-up site. With a name like ”HotGuy4U”, Alex didn’t think Tad was getting an invitation to visit a museum.
Alex was shocked at first, leading to dismay, which soon led to extreme anger. Considering he and Tad had an open password policy on all electronic devices, Alex decided to take a closer look. He discovered that Tad was active on multiple hook-up sites. On one, he’s single from San Francisco seeking a relationship. On several, Tad was in an open relationship wanting an NSA encounter. Tad even had profile pictures that Alex had taken during the holidays… and a few pics that Alex certainly didn’t take.
My brave friend read the conversations Tad was having with these men. Some included plans to meet, be it in a hotel while on a business trip or a local hotel that Tad was willing to procure. The Ten-Fingered Cheat even went as far as to invite men to the home he shared with Alex, providing dates and times when he knew Alex would not be there. From married fathers to cab drivers to co-workers, Tad wasn’t interested in one particular type of guy; he was open to whatever Oreo that happened to be in the cookie jar.
What Alex found most hurtful were the conversations that weren’t about sex at all. Tad told some guy all about a break-up with Alex that never happened. Tad even said how new relationships can start with “just a kiss”, which was a line he had used on Alex when they first met. Ten-fingered cheating was horrific enough for Alex to process, but in this case it appeared Tad was using both hands and his heart.
Alex decided against confrontation, partly because he was in shock and partly because he knew all too well of Tad’s deflective, Teflon-like personality. Alex was handling a lot, but couldn’t stomach the idea of Ted blaming him for his decision to become a Ten-Fingered Cheat. Instead, Alex continued to torture himself by looking at Tad’s phone, making him feel worthless, unattractive and just plain stupid.
What do we tell people like Alex who find themselves in this situation? If your partner is a Ten-Fingered Cheat, he could be searching online for a myriad of reasons. Maybe he’s going through a period of low self-esteem and this is his delusional idea of a confidence booster. Or maybe he’s simply a horndog that can’t keep it in his pants. Maybe he wants out of the relationship and wants to have the next one lined up before cutting the cord. When it comes to this situation, I believe Tad never considered Alex’s feelings and the implications it would have on his partner’s self-esteem. Tad was a self-absorbed bastard that couldn’t care less about the impact his choices left on his partner.
We do know a couple things for sure. If you find yourself in this situation, it really isn’t about you. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you’re not part of this equation. There’s no need to torture yourself by checking your spouse’s online activity, because it’s not about you. What is about you is the reality that when your partner’s ten fingers are caressing the keyboard more than your back, you’ve got a problem. What is about you is if your partner’s ten fingers stop caressing the keyboard and start feeling up someone else. That leaves you with have a bigger problem that will not go away no matter how hard you wish for it to do so.
As for Alex, it was only a matter of time that Tad evolved from a Ten-Fingered Cheat to being caught red-handed in their bed with a waiter from a low-rent steak house. Truth told, Alex checked out of the relationship way before this discovery. He simply fell out of love with the self-serving liar that Tad had turned out to be. It took time to mourn the funny and lovable Tad that once told him it could all start with a kiss. It took time to grieve the loss of the life he pictured for himself and the man he deeply loved. It took Alex time to realize that Tad was not an incredible partner, but an egocentric little boy incapable of putting the needs and concerns of others before his own.
Back to that bag of Oreos… if an Oreo is an Oreo regardless of the flavor, does the same rule apply to cheating?
Be it ten fingers online or full body contact in a hotel room- cheating is cheating. It’s a break of trust and a destructor of respect. It nullifies all the good, and makes the one left behind second-guess if those good times were even genuine. Cheating is nothing less than a nasty mind game to play on your spouse, and the one left behind has a lot of mess to get through.
Something valuable can be learned from Alex’s story. With time, we can get past the disappointment and understand that cheating isn’t about us. Yes, those that share a similar experience with Alex have a pretty big challenge moving forward, but it’s not impossible. We can all be like Alex and move forward, understanding that we all deserve to be in a relationship where waiters only bring steaks, cab drivers only deliver you to your destination and married men only play with their children.
Your Guide to Moving On in Style
A break up can knock your confidence in a really big way. It seems like you’ll never feel like yourself again, but with our help, you will!
Nothing is worse than those post-break up blues. You’ll be going through all kinds of emotions, from feeling frighteningly insecure to unpredictably angry. It’s totally normal to feel like this – but that doesn’t make it enjoyable! Well, it’s time to wipe away those tears. We’re here to help you recover all of that lost confidence, and then some! A break up may feel like the end of the world but it’s not all doom and gloom. Sometimes a drastic change in your love life is a chance to start all over again, a time when you can re-invent yourself and have a lot of fun in the process. So put down the ice-cream tub and turn off the weepy film, we’ve got work to do!
The first thing to do following a break up is to try and feel good in yourself again. Many people think that their partner ending their relationship had something to do with their looks, so it’s easy to feel pretty down about yourself. Well, it doesn’t matter if you are going for a complete image overhaul or just treating yourself to a manicure – treating yourself like the goddess you are will send your confidence levels through the roof. What about a new haircut or colour? Or perhaps a new wardrobe? Whatever helps you to start feeling fab again, do it!
Get out there and have some fun!
Getting out there and meeting new people is a great way to regain some of that lost sparkle. There’s opportunities everywhere, from taking up a new hobby or going to a different bar on a night out. Attracting the attention of some new people and getting talking to someone different can reassure you that you’ve still got what it takes to get some heads turning. Getting chatting to someone is a great way to brush up on those flirting skills too, and you might even have some cheeky, no-strings fun with someone! As long as you’re doing it in a safe way, having a bit of a re-bound fling is no bad thing at all, as it will do wonders for your confidence and maybe lead to you meeting someone you want to be with.
Put yourself first for once
While you’re doing all of this, it’s important to reconnect with yourself too. Having some time alone to do the things that you want to do can be really liberating. If you’re worried that being alone will have a negative impact on your sex life, then think again! There’s plenty of toys, films, books and whatever else you fancy to keep you going. So focusing on your work, social life and quality time with friends and family doesn’t mean that your libido has to suffer. By having fun both with yourself and others, you’ll realise that your break up wasn’t the worst thing to happen to you after all. What’s that? Your ex? Well, by getting up, out and on with your life, you’ll be showing them exactly what they are missing – and nothing feels quite as good as that! So stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out there, a whole new chapter of your life is waiting for you.