A marriage is something usually serious and important. It cannot be treated without responsibility and thoughtfulness. And most people do approach it in a very mature way. However, there’s always an unsolved issue. You need to answer a very complicated question: Am I ready to become committed? Have I prepared for family life? Stepping into this 100% mature phase is never easy. And while we cannot answer those questions instead of you, we are still going to help you. Here are five sure signs that you are ready to become fully committed, kindly provided by our friends from Russian Brides.
1. You know your partner deeply
Some people start relationships with and get married to people they don’t really know. As a result, they spend several years struggling to build a strong connection with an uninterested and indifferent person. When you understand that you have learned your beloved sufficiently and his or her depths no longer frighten you (because, you know, each and every of us has those horrific depths), you are indeed ready to move on to something bigger than just a fling.
2. You see future life with your partner
Let’s play a game. Sit down, relax, and imagine your perfect life. You need to think of every aspect, from the biggest features (your career, the country and the city you live in, how your house looks, your hobbies…) to the smallest details (the color of your kitchen curtains, the name of your bulldog…). Done? Now add your current partner into every part of the imagined scenario. Do you like what you see? Well, you are ready for commitment!
3. You lived your own life
The concept of “your own life” may seem a bit bizarre and made-up, yet let us explain. There’s that time in every person’s life when you do everything you like (even things you know you will regret about), develop yourself in every desired direction, study, create your own universe of interests and information, and so on. If for any reason this much-needed phase remains unfulfilled, you will not feel complete. Don’t marry before completing those tasks!
4. You both want to have children
Having children is an integrant element of marriage and family life. Even though the concept of a childfree family has recently become a widespread phenomenon, most people still want to have kids. If you both want to have children and remain on the same page about every aspect of this complicated event, you are ready for marriage and everything that comes along. In the end, who would love you more than your children and significant other?
5. You got rid of all the “extra options”
Let’s see how it works: In the modern world of mobility and rapid changes, when people start a relationship, they often leave some “extra options” – people they text from time to time, keeping them close enough to don’t lose connection, just in case if something goes wrong with current relationship. Well, if you eventually dispose of all those people and felt confident about your partner, you are 100% ready to become committed.
You think you’re on to something. You met a great guy. The two of you went out for a few dates and from your end things seemed fabulous, but all of a sudden, he goes dark on you. You haven’t heard from him and he hasn’t answered your texts.
Yes. He vanished like a ghost in face of what you thought was a blossoming relationship. What’s more, you’re dating life hasn’t been the best recently.
Guys pull disappearing acts for many reasons. Most of the time, it’s not you! Here are a few things that usually contribute to getting ghost’d while you’re dating someone.
1. Fear Of Commitment
He may really be into you. Dating you may have been one of the better decisions he’s made. But he doesn’t want to keep dating because he knows it’s going so well that he sees commitment on the horizon. He may not be ready to commit or he may have a fear of commitment. He may fear the loss of his old lifestyle. He can also have a fear of the unknown as he may not be use to commitment. Or even a fear of a successful relationship because all he may be used to is chaos. Whatever the case may be, don’t take things personally. That is the most important thing to remember.
2. Poor Communicators
Sometimes he may find he doesn’t want to keep dating at all. Or this just isn’t the right time for him. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to tell you. He simply doesn’t possess the communication skills needed to end on good terms. He may be afraid of the outcome if he were to talk about it directly. I constantly work with my clients on communication skills. They are essential to a sustained, fulfilling relationship.
3. Ex Running In The Background
That’s right. He could still be hung up on her. Listen to him in conversation. If he brings her up quite a bit, take heed. He still may be hanging on and she may want him back. Some guys get tangled up with their exes to the point where it is very difficult to get out of the relationship. He may have gone back to his ex and it was just the easier option for him to vanish.
4. Hasn’t Gotten Over A Previous Relationship
Sometimes it’s just too early for anyone to start dating again. For some people, they may not realize this until they are in middle of dating someone new. He could still be licking his wounds from his previous relationship. This may cause him to retreat. Things about your relationship with him could be bringing up painful memories of his previous love life. He could get dragged down by this and just choose to isolate and cut things off without telling you.
5. He’s A Player
Quite simply, he may have found someone he likes more. He could be concurrently dating many women while dating you at the same time. Maybe he didn’t communicate this to you. Maybe it’s something he doesn’t want to let go of because he’s just not sure. He could have easily got wrapped up with someone else and just lumped you into a pile with everyone else that he disappeared on.
What can you do? Well, if you haven’t reached him by now, chances are you’re not going to be able to talk it out with him. It’s time to move on. Accept his absence for whatever reason and find someone new. Life is way too short.
After watching a TV program one evening, a friend and I were left debating the real life scenario portrayed of a couple in a relationship of 16 years. They were not living together but appeared to be in an exclusive relationship. Interestingly, in the first part of the show, there was a scene where the couple were enjoying a romantic promenade together, and the lady says, “we both know this relationship is leading to marriage” and the man says words to the effect, “where did you get that idea?”; it raised the question of what the entire relationship was all about!
I cannot imagine for the life of me, staying with a man for 16 months never mind 16 years unless it was clearly understood to both of us where we were going. And being sure we were both on the same page. My mother taught me better than that!
I mean, fair enough, if you are happy to spend your life in such fashion. If you really don’t mind being in a very long term relationship with no commitment in sight. No children either.
There are some people that say there are not enough men to go around and that all women cannot expect to be married.
I believe you can speak your own truth over your life. If that includes a spouse then say it and believe it. People are getting married all the time.
If you have never wanted to settle down and raise a family (I did not say, have kids, but instead, raise a family) and are prepared to give yourself, your time and your energy to various people and relationships without a commitment to anything further, it can work.
I stipulate raising a family as opposed to having kids, as some people have the idea that they want kids and in the end that’s exactly what they get, but there is no man in the home, just them and their kid(s). But maybe that is another blog!
However, in this case the woman was expecting marriage to be the outcome. We can ask why is she still waiting 16 years on, (that I don’t understand, childbearing years are clearly long gone and you are no longer in your first bloom) if he doesn’t want to marry you after all this time, will he ever? And how long are you prepared to hang around?
If he knows he likes it, why hasn’t he put a ring on it?
I’m not impressed with the man or the woman in this case. Surely, a gentleman isn’t going to lead a woman on for 16 years, giving her enough emotional crumbs so that she thinks he really cares! And lady you need to know your value. You need to know your worth. You’re still a queen even when there’s no king. He is not the one!
As my good friend and favourite coach, Dr Ryeal Simms, says “Women, you are the Chooser, not the Chosen, you are the Employer, men are just trying to get the job!”
This is probably one of the most asked questions by women, about men. So many women have asked me why some guys seem overly ready to commit and it feels like any woman will do, and other guys seem terrified at the mere thought of commitment.
During my interviews I asked men this question:
“What makes a guy want to commit and what makes him NOT want to commit?”
Commitment can be a terrifying thing for some and perhaps the very definition of it is what makes some of us so uneasy.
Commitment is defined as: An engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.
It’s synonymous with words like obligation, duty and responsibility. And while these words themselves aren’t necessarily bad, they can stir up feelings of being trapped and confined if one is not willingly entering that commitment with their own excitement and joy.
Men often grow up
Hearing stories of their male friends who marry the wrong person and have a terrible marriage and feel as though their life is over. They hear these stories over and over again and soon begin to fear that it’s their only alternative to staying single. A friend of mine told me a long time ago that men are either, “Single and lonely or married and miserable.” I’m not sure I totally agree with that but I can see how some men come to believe that to be the truth.
A divorced writer from Philadelphia, PA told me: “For men, we worry that the nightmare that we hear about could very easily come true and so we fear commitment and try to avoid it at all costs. Eventually you give in and hope it works for you but it’s always in the back of your mind.”
He also went on to explain to me that men feel pressured by society and they see their friends getting married and they decide to be an adult and just get married. Many of them don’t actually want this life but they succumb to the pressure.
Women tend to assume that men will commit only when they’re good and ready. There are some men who respond positively to not being pressured and they come to realize that they want to commit. Other men, you can give them 10 years of pressure free fun and they still won’t commit. I’ve heard men say that there are plenty of guys who, even without the pressure of commitment, will never ever do it no matter how long the woman waits.
Perhaps some people just aren’t cut out for commitment?
Another married man of 17 years told me that most men never want to commit, ever. They will only do so when the situation demands it and they don’t want to lose the woman.
Many of the guys shared with me that they must feel as though they’re in a good place and are financially stable. If they don’t feel like they can provide for the woman and possible future family, then they have a harder time committing. Men have a strong need to feel stable and confident in their abilities to provide in order to take on the responsibilities of a wife or girlfriend. For most men, a serious girlfriend or wife equals responsibility, especially a financial one.
Some men told me that they have to see a future with the woman. If they can’t see her in their future, they won’t commit no matter how great she is.
A 60 year-old lawyer from South America explained to me that some men want their freedom more than anything, “In the case of a particular woman, the guy probably feels like he’s maintaining just a little bit of his power if he doesn’t commit to her fully.”
Neediness and pushiness by a woman were the two most common reasons mentioned for not wanting to commit. I was also told that the timing of things has to be right. Men have a need to feel they’re ready for commitment and that it’s their idea, not something they’re being pressured into doing. If they’re in the beginning stages of their career and don’t feel like they have the time for a committed relationship, some men simply won’t do it not matter how wonderful the woman is.
However, many guys said that if the women was easy going and didn’t pressure him, had great chemistry and shared common values, then they would be more likely to commit.
A 70-year-old divorced researcher from Jamaica said, “Men will commit when they see the woman making an effort to meet them halfway. If he feels that she appreciates his natural way of being and doesn’t try to change him then he is more likely to commit. Men appreciate when a woman tries to understand him for who he is, not who she thinks and wants him to ultimately be.”
A 57-year-old single sales and marketing manager form South Florida told me that men simply need to be ready and looking for commitment. He explained that if the guy isn’t ready then it makes no difference who the woman is and sometimes men feel like they have too much going in their own lives to make room for a woman.
A 50-year-old married teacher from NYC shared, “A man won’t commit until he knows who he is. Most people need to know who they are and like who they are before they commit to another person.”
As I mentioned earlier, timing and the stage of life are big factors, but a few men said that sometimes you just can’t help when you fall in love with someone.
A 39-year-old married counselor from Savannah, GA said, “Every so often the right one comes along at the wrong time and trumps all our rules and we find ourselves doing things we swore we’d never do.”
I guess that’s why they call it falling in love.
The UK’s leading dating expert Hayley Quinn is here to help!
In her latest video for SWEXPERTS Hayley gives 3 tips on how to communicate what kind of relationship you want.
In a world full of booty calls, hooking up and friends with benefits, I find it astonishing that marriage is still the ultimate goal of dating. With the U.S having the highest divorce rate in the Western world, I just find is maddening that we, as a society,negate that couples can still be in a committed relationship with or without a marriage license. So I ask, is marriage the only acceptable goal of dating?
Marriage: The Only Acceptable Goal of Dating?
As women, we are bombarded with articles in every popular magazine on how to “get him to commit” and “how to get him to the alter.” There is an entire section of the bookstore dedicated to dating rules and how to play games in order to “seal the deal”!
Fact: Grown ass women don’t play games! Oh, and a grown ass man won’t put up with that “The Rules” bullshit, so you better watch it ladies!
Instead of being obsessed with getting to the alter, how about taking a step back and ask yourself these questions:
- Am I happy with myself and my life?
- Does this person enhance/add to that happiness?
- Is marriage really what I want for myself, or is it what I’ve been told I should want for myself?
- Do this person and I work together as true partners and teammates, or are we simply co-existing in this relationship?
Some people want to be married, and some don’t, but don’t look at every date or relationship as “the one”; this person could be that one perfectly imperfect person you have been searching for or they might simply be your Friday night date for a few months. Take things slow! The number one goal of dating is supposed to be to have fun, not to rush to the alter.
Alternatives to Marriage: Commitment without the ‘I Do’
Now, I’m not completely opposed to marriage. In fact, I’m not opposed to it at all—been there, done that! What I don’t agree with is that it is the ultimate, end all and be all; I don’t believe that is is, or that is should be, the only acceptable goal of dating. Love does not have to equal marriage in order for the commitment to be real and genuine!
In many states, a domestic partnership is not simply a commitment reserved for homosexual couples—heterosexual couples can utilize it as well! Maybe you’re happy just living together forever; this only gets sticky when medical and legal matters come in to play, but those can easily be avoided if you prepare in advance with wills, health care proxy documentation and a power of attorney. 16 states still have common law marriage. The options are endless and vary from state to state.
At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that you are content with your situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s a marriage, a commitment ceremony, a domestic partnership, or just two adults living together and making a commitment to each other. No one should how you label your relationship, and you shouldn’t get caught up in it either. The quality of the relationship is what really matters, not how you label it.