Porn: Is It Bad For Relationships?

Porn: Is it bad for relationships?

A few weeks ago, I got into an argument on Facebook about whether porn was good or bad for relationships. They were arguing that porn is unethical, unhealthy, and damaging for relationships (specifically marriage), but I disagreed. Vehemently.

As a sex coach, I work with clients who experience a myriad of issues. The most common are a lack of creativity in the bedroom, no time for sex, and embarrassment around having open sexual conversations.

We all know that porn is a controversial topic. It often portrays unhealthy sexual encounters, unrealistic body types, and creates a significantly skewed understanding of sex.

The problem isn’t porn.

The problem is how we consume it – mindlessly and as uninformed consumers.

The problem is we aren’t teaching comprehensive sex education to young folks. We aren’t talking about connection, pleasure, vulnerability, and the intricacies of sexual relationships. We aren’t taught about consent and uncomfortable conversations and how sex changes as we age.

Porn is entertainment. Like money, it isn’t inherently good or bad. What determines that is how it’s used.

Unfortunately, too many people use porn to learn about sex. Just like you wouldn’t watch The Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive a car, you shouldn’t turn to mainstream porn to understand healthy sexual encounters.

If porn is consumed in secret, if porn is a lie, if porn is used for something other than entertainment, or if it becomes a compulsion, then porn can be incredibly damaging.

But, when porn is consumed consciously and for fun, it can become one tool among many in a toolbox rich with options.

This is when porn can actually be healthy and beneficial. Couples who consume porn in this way can find inspiration for new positions, new fantasies, and new conversations.

Though many argue that porn is demeaning to women and trans folks (and yes, mainstream pornography certainly can be), there are many porn producers out there who are making ethical, inclusive porn. You just have to know where to look.

Unfortunately, as a society, we are so afraid of open sexual conversations that shame drives our sexual interests and behaviors into silence, and everyone suffers for it.

Porn is part of a much larger, much more complex problem around sex negativity that is well beyond the “porn is bad” argument.

So, how can porn be used for good?

First, porn can be incredibly validating when you are viewing the kinds of films that are inclusive of a variety of bodies, sexual orientations, gender identities, and interests.

I recently attended the Queer Porn Film Festival in Brooklyn. One of the speakers, Chelsea Poe, is a trans porn performer.

She talked about receiving messages from other trans women saying Chelsea had saved their lives. Why? Because these women had no idea what their options were for healthy sex and human connection (trans women certainly aren’t represented in mainstream media as sexual beings unless they’re being fetishized), and after they saw Chelsea’s films realized that there was hope for them. That they could have fun, healthy, pleasurable sexual experiences in the bodies that they had.

Second, like any form of entertainment, when porn is used mindfully and from a place of awareness, it can help couples reignite their passion.

Porn can help people explore new ideas and kinks. It can help shy people have sexual conversations about needs and desires.

People can send their partners a link to a sexy clip and suggest that their next date night may involve what they see in the scene. Or if a partner is traveling, watching the same video at the same time can be a fun way to stay connected across any distance.

The most important thing to remember about porn consumption is that there is nothing wrong with you if you enjoy watching erotic acts or sexual films.

Too often people shame their partners for enjoying porn. Instead, try inviting your partner to be a part of the viewing experience and use it to share and bond.

Pornography is an industry that’s interested in profits. That means the industry chases the dollar. Where you spend your money directly influences the kinds of films that get made.

So while there are countless free options available online, when you take the time to spend money on films and filmmakers that are making the kinds of films you want to see more of, you’re helping to drive the future of porn.

The bottom line is that for some couples, inviting new and exciting elements into their intimacy deepens their connection and expands the art of the possible.

Pornography can play a vital role in a healthy sexual relationship. But only if we are willing to talk about it, get smart about it, and shed the shame.

Curious about ethical porn? Check out Pink & White Productions, Courtney Trouble’s Trouble Films, Cherry Stems, Cine Sinclaire, Trench Coat X by Stoya, ToyTool Committee, and Juicy Pink Box.

Dawn Serra
Erotic coach. Courage mentor. Sex educator. Shame slayer. If there’s one thing Dawn Serra is passionate about, it’s helping people shed their shame and find their courage to create the relationship and sex life they deserve. Dawn specializes in radical transformations, reintroducing a sense of playfulness and fun, and breaking the silence around your deepest desires. She is healing the world by giving people a new framework in order to live vulnerably, authentically, passionately, and with ecstasy. In addition to coaching, Dawn Serra is also the co-host of a weekly sex podcast called Sex Gets Real.

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Watching Too Much Porn? Quality Beats Quantity Every Time

Watching too much porn? Quality beats quantity every time

A recent news story tells of a man in Baltimore, USA that was fired from his job due to his excessive viewing of porn videos whilst at work. Over a 10 day period the unnamed man managed to get through 39 hours of adult videos at work alone!

But could it have been his actual choice in porn videos that lost him his job?

It’s quite plausible that the quality of the porn that you choose to watch will determine how much of it you actually need to view before you’re satisfied.

Binge watching low quality porn is a bit like binge drinking alcopops. You’re going to need to drink an awful lot more of the stuff before you start to feel satisfied enough to stop.

If this particular ex-employee had chosen quality over quantity perhaps he could have been happy enough with what he watches at home so wouldn’t have felt he needed to fulfill certain urges during work hours.

Picture quality

It is usually quite obvious to see if an adult video is of high quality but even if you think you do not realise the differences, your subconscious thinks otherwise.

The better quality the video, the more mentally and physically stimulating it will be to you. High picture quality is important. A professionally shot, HD adult video is going to give you more sexual gratification. An amateur production with bad sound and a blurry camera lens isn’t going to give the same result. No one wants to try to decipher sexual acts through a shaking camera with poor lightening, and badly shot videos end up looking more like a 19th century peep show than a proper porno. They’ll leave you frustrated and wanting to see more.

Realism

The film’s story line and dialogue will help you determine whether it’s a high quality video or a poor substitute for the real thing. Do we really want to see cheesy story lines, hear inane conversations and try to take in a completely unrealistic set up?

It’s not like you’re tuning into a high brow documentary, but enjoying something a little more believable will help you engage in the scenes and make it easier for you to draw yourself into the action.

There’s a time and a place for fantasy porn, but most of us want to watch something that’s at least, in part, believable! Of course, there is nothing more realistic that watching your own porn videos! Many couples are now hiring the services of professional private film makers to create their own high quality sex videos. For some this is just a bit of fun, for others, it is to create a lasting memory for a couple of when they were at their fittest and most virile!

Watching real sexual chemistry in videos will satisfy you more

Watching an adult video where the sexual partners have no onscreen chemistry can sometimes be awkward. It’s just plain obvious they’re not really enjoying themselves, so how can you be expected to enjoy them too? Uncharismatic performances take away the ‘realism’ of the sex and can arguably set some pretty rubbish standards in your own sexual encounters. Some couples find adult videos a good way to experiment or heighten their own pleasure whilst having sex. Although porn doesn’t profess to offer any kind of sex education, couples can still obtain ideas from porn, act out fantasies, engage in role-play or even have the videos on in the background as they engage in sex themselves.

No one is asking for Oscar winning performances but seeing and hearing couples that look bored and are faking orgasms to a point where it’s becoming cringe-worthy is really going to dampen the mood, whether your with a partner or having some ‘ alone time’.

The hardcore reality

Unfortunately some of the porn floating around on various parts of the internet is going to come from quite controversial sources. Some viewers may not care where the videos have come from and won’t give a second thought to the ‘stars’ within it. But some videos out there do originate from questionable origins or are recorded by various untrustworthy people or dodgy adult entertainment companies, and this can be more harmful to the porn industry than you think.

A good example of this would be ‘Max Hardcore’, whose videos include girls breaking down in tears due to the violence, humiliation and obscenities he inflicts on them. He has even served time in prison due the content of his adult videos that heavily featured extreme sexual vulgarities and his fetish for women portraying little girls.

Porn should be enjoyable and sexually stimulating to watch – the experience shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, and the content shouldn’t be bordering on disturbing. Surely, viewers want to see consensual adult videos where the participants seem to be actually enjoying the acts with their on screen sexual partners? The right kind of porn should engage you, enthral you and ultimately leave you satisfied enough to for a standard shift at work!

 

Jonathan Bird
Jonathan is our Managing Director. He started Singles Warehouse in 2009 and has since watched it explode into one of the biggest and best dating resources on the internet. Proud of the #SWEXPERTS and everything they achieve, he loves to see many different messages delivered on Singles Warehouse because ‘it will resonate with someone’. A huge believer in IDIC – infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

Outside of the office Jonathan loves supporting start up companies, offering advice on growing dating businesses and playing on his xBox!

Visit his Website

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Our Aging Population and the Growth of “Silver Porn” in Japan

Our Aging Population and the Growth of "Silver Porn" in Japan

Why silver porn could be the next big thing in the sex industry.

There’s no escaping it. Our population is getting older. Grey power is rising against the youth of our country and for the first time in Great Britain’s history, the number of over-65s now outnumbers the number of under 16s.

Our baby boomers aren’t showing any signs of slowing down either. Unlike the elderly of previous generations, who would grow old gracefully by frequenting the local bingo hall or taking trips to the seaside, over 65s are dipping their toes in an altogether different activity, dubbed ‘Silver Porn’.

What is it?

Silver porn is exactly as it sounds: Raunchy men and women of a certain age playing much more than a game of cards together – and we are not talking just soft adult videos either – it gets pretty hardcore. There has always been a market for silver porn, but it has always been shrouded in mystery.

Now, as we are encouraged to celebrate all kinds of sexual tastes, silver porn is finally getting the attention it deserves, especially in the Far East.

Silver porn in Japan

When you think of the elderly in Japan, what do you picture? Do you imagine them strolling around cherry-blossomed adorned gardens, drinking delicate cups of tea?

Well, be prepared to think again. Japan, normally known for its gentile elderly population is now the leading player in the silver porn industry. Porn featuring elderly people has increased dramatically in Japan, with this type of fetish making up between twenty and thirty per cent of the market. Hot titles include “Forbidden Elderly Care” and “Manic Training of Lolitas”.

Is it any surprise though? Japan has a much more laid-back approach to sex and love. The country hosts fertility festivals, with one even titled “Kanamara Matsuri” which translates to ‘Festival of the Steel Phallus’.

Like Britain, the number of pensioners in Japan is rising, with 65 year olds and older making up twenty-five per cent of the population. So there’s no surprise that the amount of older Japanese people who are registered for dating agencies has also risen. Ai-Senior Company, a leading Japanese dating agency has around six thousand members on its books, with many of them in their nineties.

So, the misconception that once you reach 65, your sex life is over is well and truly being overturned by these frisky demographic. But is anyone under the age of 65 interested in watching silver porn?

Who’s watching?

It’s not just older people tuning in to see their similar-aged counterparts get down and dirty. Fumiaki Kimura, a Japanese silver porn director, said that younger people are also opting for silver porn, describing it as a ‘forbidden pleasure’.

We all remember the story of granny-loving Wayne Rooney, who was then 18, ducking into a brothel and getting his wicked way with a grandmother. Maybe he was onto something long before the rest of us?

What about in silver porn in Britain?

As Wayne has proved, silver porn doesn’t just turn on our Japanese counterparts. In fact, Britain is top of the worldwide league when it comes to watching porn featuring raunchy retirees.

This is possibly down to the strong ‘matron-culture’ we have in this country. Several decades ago, matrons were allowed to punish children by spanking. So a sexual awakening could have been caused by a woman much older.

Interestingly, in 2014, spanking was banned in the UK porn industry along with caning and aggressive whipping.

Super cougars

So who are these perky pensioners?

Dubbed ‘super-cougars’, and not for the faint-hearted, these feisty, fun ladies have a fetish for sex. And they’re not ashamed to admit it either.

Some of these women claim to have slept with around a thousand men, demonstrating that there is a market out there for silver vixens to get their claws stuck into.

The rise of silver porn in Japan and across the world is not only exciting, but encouraging too. It just goes to show that you can enjoy sex, experiment and enter into a whole new world of sensations in your latter years without feeling any shame.

So next time you fancy a bit of grey, don’t feel embarrassed. Get involved, you’ll probably get taught a few new things too!

 

 

Jonathan Bird
Jonathan is our Managing Director. He started Singles Warehouse in 2009 and has since watched it explode into one of the biggest and best dating resources on the internet. Proud of the #SWEXPERTS and everything they achieve, he loves to see many different messages delivered on Singles Warehouse because ‘it will resonate with someone’. A huge believer in IDIC – infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

Outside of the office Jonathan loves supporting start up companies, offering advice on growing dating businesses and playing on his xBox!

Visit his Website

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Game of Thrones is Good for My Sex Life, But I’d Rather Watch Porn

game of thrones is good for my sex life

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Don’t yell at me! Game of Thrones is not my particular cup of tea. I said don’t yell! I know, I know, call me a boring chick who has no appreciation for quality television.  One of my ex boyfriends tried to get me to watch it, and I fell asleep within ten minutes almost every time. Here’s the thing. Call me a prude, or a super lame girly girl, but I’ve never been a fan of sword fights where my favorite characters die during the first season, bizarre incest between royal families, or shows that are so complicated, you literally need a map to figure out where the hell any of the villages or kingdoms are during the show’s introduction. I’m sorry, but if I need to memorize a map in 2 seconds so I can figure out what the hell is going on, I’m going to yawwwwnnnn. The truth is…

Game of Thrones is Good for My Sex Life, But I’d Rather Watch Porn

I’d Have Sex with Them

game of thrones is good for my sex lifeI’ll admit, Danerys and all of her baby dragons are pretty entertaining. I can appreciate the story of a woman coming into her own power, after hatching some dragon eggs. And then of course there’s the super delicious passion with her husband Kaldrago. Umm, yes, I’ll take some more of that. Seriously, the sex scenes are pretty awesome. I know they say the soft porn is what attracts the men to the show, but honestly, while I tried watching it with an ex boyfriend last year, that was the only thing that kept me awake.

The Sexy Accents

The strange thing is that I’ve always been a fan of accents. You’d think that would be enough for me to fall in love with everyone on the show. Nope, not a chance. Maybe it’s the fact that I started the show too late at night, or the fact that I couldn’t get past the overwhelming number of throats being slit by swords, but all that gore really downgraded the guys and their accompanying accents to unappealing.

A Not So Happily Ever After 

Oh, did I mention the fact that they combined two words that should NEVER, EVER be put together in the same sentence, let alone an event on TV. “Blood” and “wedding”. Ok, technically it was called the “Red Wedding“, but we all know what that really stands for. The biggest problem with that episode, (aside from the ridiculous amount of blood), was the fact that Rob Stark died. I’ll never, ever be able to let that go! Yes, to be fair, romantic comedy’s are one of my go to genre’s, but still! I can appreciate a drama, and even a suspense or psychological thriller, or even a foreign film quite frequently. But that episode was too much! Between the blood everywhere, my favorite character, Rob Stark dying, and did I mention the blood?

I’d Rather Watch Porn

The bottom line: the show has some super sexy characters. Of course as soon as I got attached to one of them, they died. The sex scenes are incredibly hot, so it might be good for my sex life, but that’s about it. Honestly, I’d rather watch some porn with my man, than sit through that for an hour! With porn, I’ll have an even better chance of getting super turned on because I won’t have just watched five people die, and a brother and sister have sex!

Meena Avery
Meena Avery is the dating deviant you can’t help but love and wish you never met. She’s a quirky and heart-breaking romantic writer who’s a little too blunt, only likes to wear skirts, and shares extremely personal (often embarrassing) stories from her dating life, all while attempting to offer advice along the way. Meena’s journey has inspired her desire to let other hopeful-yet-frequently-disappointed singles know that they are not alone by creating her blog Impress Me…Please? Meena also contributes regularly to a variety of popular dating blogs and is currently working on her first book. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter for dating, relationship and love advice, and be sure to check out her Website for more juicy stories.

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