You get home from a lovely night out, and you smile as you recall the night’s events. Maybe, just maybe, you found someone who could end up being the One.
A few days later, you send a text so he or she knows you were thinking of them.
“Hey, you. I had a great time the other night. Would you like to go out again sometime?”
Simple, right? No strings attached. No expectations. Just an innocent desire to connect to another soul. Anyone in a getting-to-know-each-other or dating relationship is familiar with this message.
But it goes unanswered. What the heck?! Everything went fine! I mean, he or she seemed nice… Not the type to disappear. What happened??? …They could’ve said something.
The sad truth is this is all too common in the 21st century as technology becomes more commonplace. Online dating service PlentyofFish released a shocking survey in 2016 highlighting the millennial’s struggle with ghosting. Of 800 single users aged 18-33, 78 percent reported they were a ghosting victim at least once by “someone they were dating (who) suddenly ceased all communication without an explanation.”
Additionally, a 2014 investigation from Elle found equally surprising data. A poll of 185 young daters’ dating habits (65 percent of which were female) showed both men and women were just as likely to be the cowardly culprits.
Sarah Braun, an MSW student at California State University, Long Beach, and past victim, believes ghosting emerged as the popularity of online dating increased and meeting people in public settings decreased. The dynamic between the two created a lapse in social responsibility, making avoidance, and consequently hurting feelings, much easier.
“Those who ghost tend to do so to avoid confrontation, feeling negative emotions, or causing another person emotional pain,” Braun said. “Everyone is affected differently. Common feelings victims experience are confusion, uncertainty, hurt, and anger. Those who are ghosted lack closure and are often left with many unanswered questions.”
At a time in history when technology is more advanced than ever, today’s generation has an astronomical amount of information at its fingertips. As millennials, we can find solutions to today’s problems and build connections to places and people, many of which our parents and grandparents never dreamt possible. So, it begs the question: why do we, as enlightened and mindful and capable of greatness as we are, find such a damaging and viral phenomenon like ghosting even mildly acceptable?
“Such behaviour leads to the objectivization and even harsher behaviours toward others,” said Michael Southerland, MS, LMFT. “Also, it leads to avoidance of simple courtesy that is so lacking in many areas. Breaking up with someone face to face helps accept responsibility for ourselves and our relationships.”
So, how do we proceed, if we are to end this phenomenon once and for all?
“Communication is key,” Braun said. “Being honest and direct about your interest and intentions is the best way to combat (ghosting). Having this conversation may be uncomfortable, but this momentary discomfort is an act of respect for the person. It provides the person with the closure needed to let go and move on.”
But what about the rest of society, not just with you and me and the people with whom we come into contact?
“If I were treating someone who engages in ghosting, I would do my best to help them see the consequences of their behavior has on others,” Southerland said. “Acceptance of responsibility for them is the key to stopping the behavior and making them more responsible and their relationships. Thus, they would become happier individuals.”
Andrea Bolduc, another ghosting victim and a health services professional in Orange County, Calif., believes going back to more traditional dating methods would erase the stain ghosting has on dating in today’s generation. Being honest and upfront, she says, isn’t enough because honesty isn’t always objective through a digital medium.
“You can be anyone you want on online dating,” Bolduc said. “Both men and women can say whatever the other person wants to hear. We should go back to meeting in coffee shops or in public places than being behind a screen.”
New research from POF backs up her premise. A poll of 3,000 users aged 21 to 65 found that weddings might be the answer for many not having luck with online dating. Nearly 52% said weddings are great for hooking up because “it’s easy to start a conversation” while 7.8 percent said “there’s no commitment required.”
Additionally, while only 18 percent said they had hooked up at a wedding, nearly 88 percent of those respondents said it was at a wedding for a friend or relative. What seems hopeful is 15.7 percent of hookup respondents said they’d gone on to have a relationship.
Millennials, this is your personal service announcement: if you’re single and thinking about or participating in online dating, consider deleting your apps and meeting people organically when you’re not at home. Look for mixers or meetups based around hobbies or interests. Go out to your favorite place and scout for someone who catches your eye. Or better yet, dust off your dress or suit and attend a wedding. Be the real you, and you might meet someone worth your time and feelings.
HOW TO GIVE UP THE GHOSTING GAMBIT
- If you have any remote interest in someone, give them a chance and go out with them. Nobody suffers from some extra practice.
- After a date, if you don’t have a desire to get to know them, let them know. You might think it’s harmless, but omitting the truth to spare someone’s feelings does more damage than being straightforward. But do it tactfully – how you craft your message makes a world of difference.
- Only when the other person doesn’t accept the truth or becomes irrational should you consider blocking them.
- Be mindful of what you’re looking for. If there’s something specific that doesn’t catch your interest, don’t continue to seek it out in others.
- If you know someone who is a ghosting perpetrator, encourage them to change their ways. As the adage goes, united we stand, but divided we fall. If we are to end this phenomenon, we must do it together.
A marriage is something usually serious and important. It cannot be treated without responsibility and thoughtfulness. And most people do approach it in a very mature way. However, there’s always an unsolved issue. You need to answer a very complicated question: Am I ready to become committed? Have I prepared for family life? Stepping into this 100% mature phase is never easy. And while we cannot answer those questions instead of you, we are still going to help you. Here are five sure signs that you are ready to become fully committed, kindly provided by our friends from Russian Brides.
1. You know your partner deeply
Some people start relationships with and get married to people they don’t really know. As a result, they spend several years struggling to build a strong connection with an uninterested and indifferent person. When you understand that you have learned your beloved sufficiently and his or her depths no longer frighten you (because, you know, each and every of us has those horrific depths), you are indeed ready to move on to something bigger than just a fling.
2. You see future life with your partner
Let’s play a game. Sit down, relax, and imagine your perfect life. You need to think of every aspect, from the biggest features (your career, the country and the city you live in, how your house looks, your hobbies…) to the smallest details (the color of your kitchen curtains, the name of your bulldog…). Done? Now add your current partner into every part of the imagined scenario. Do you like what you see? Well, you are ready for commitment!
3. You lived your own life
The concept of “your own life” may seem a bit bizarre and made-up, yet let us explain. There’s that time in every person’s life when you do everything you like (even things you know you will regret about), develop yourself in every desired direction, study, create your own universe of interests and information, and so on. If for any reason this much-needed phase remains unfulfilled, you will not feel complete. Don’t marry before completing those tasks!
4. You both want to have children
Having children is an integrant element of marriage and family life. Even though the concept of a childfree family has recently become a widespread phenomenon, most people still want to have kids. If you both want to have children and remain on the same page about every aspect of this complicated event, you are ready for marriage and everything that comes along. In the end, who would love you more than your children and significant other?
5. You got rid of all the “extra options”
Let’s see how it works: In the modern world of mobility and rapid changes, when people start a relationship, they often leave some “extra options” – people they text from time to time, keeping them close enough to don’t lose connection, just in case if something goes wrong with current relationship. Well, if you eventually dispose of all those people and felt confident about your partner, you are 100% ready to become committed.
How to Preserve Your Best Interests During a Difficult Time
With Hollywood’s most famous couple heading for divorce, what action should you take when your own marriage ends?
The news that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were to divorce didn’t just rock Hollywood, it shocked the world. Here was a couple that had shown no signs of being anything less than completely in love with each other, and had only got married two years ago after being in a long term relationship for a number of years. The sad reality though, is that even fairytale romances like Angelina and Brad’s can flounder – and when they do, it’s sensible to call in the best possible legal aid.
An Announcement That Shocked Us All
The Brangelina divorce may seem like a trivial piece of Hollywood news at first glance, but it struck a chord with people all over the world. This is undoubtedly because the couple just seemed so perfect. With six children, a shared passion for humanitarian causes and the tendency to always talk warmly about each other in the media, their relationship seemed unbreakable. However their union appeared to the outside world, there were issues that they obviously couldn’t overcome. It’s not a problem that’s exclusive to A-list stars, and Brad and Angelina found themselves heading in the same direction as many others – the divorce courts.
Divorce Doesn’t Need To Be Messy
For many people, divorce is a dirty word. While it’s true that the breakdown of a relationship is always sad, a divorce doesn’t need to turn into a bitter dispute. We’re bombarded with tales of acrimonious celebrity breakups, but there are some famous couples out there who remain close. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have remained great friends after their marriage ended, and so do many other people. In fact, Jolie has described her first husband, Jonny Lee Miller, as “a solid friend”. One of the ways you can handle your divorce amicably and responsibly is to call in professional, impartial legal aid.
Finding The Right Lawyers
A legal team with experience in divorce will be able to advise you on what steps to take next. Grayfords, London international divorce lawyers, have been helping couples to separate while preserving their best interests. They recognise that divorce can be a complex process, especially when property ownership, shared finances and of course, children are involved. They’ll work with you closely and you can rely on their constant support throughout the entire divorce process.
For people with limited knowledge of what divorce entails, having an expert there to guide you throughout is simply invaluable. Divorce is a time of emotional upheaval, and having the right legal advice will reduce a lot of the stress you’ll be feeling.
Looking Towards The Future
It’s a sad reality that many wonderful relationships do end up in divorce, but there’s no need for it to end badly. By exploring your options and consulting legal experts, you can come to an agreement that works for you both. A good divorce lawyer’s priority is the welfare of their client, and a person who’s feeling secure and supported during the divorce process will be much more likely to come out of it well.
So if your romance is on the rocks – don’t be afraid of what could be around the corner. There’s every chance that if you take the right action now, you could move into the next stage of your life like Gwyneth and Chris. Hopefully, the couples going through divorce right now, Angelina and Brad included, have made the choices to allow them to do the same.
Narcissism and Relationships/Breakups: Part 2 of a series
Narcissists are difficult to spot because they wear numerous differing masks throughout their lives as they draw in the various people they groom for varying purposes. They must hide the empty spaces inside themselves, those vacuums normally occupied by a heart and soul. They passionately cover their self-loathing which they eventually project onto us, their victims. (Either they were born that way or life experiences in their younger years tragically shaped them. They are somehow victims themselves.) The emptiness they hold within compels the constant replenishment of nourishment via the emotional energies of others. That same emptiness that does not allow them to truly love.
Narcissists are expert at hiding their true identity while they groom their new victims.
Clever, Narcs exhibit characteristic charming personalities when in pursuit, operating behind near perfect projections that many of their targets find difficult to resist.
Narcs veraciously consume all the love and adoration they can extract from others, leaving the victims drained and devastated. A Narcissist’s need in this regard is insatiable. A Narc can never sincerely reciprocate in kind with the precious emotional commodities they determinedly seek.
Once victims’ precious fuel is successfully depleted.
The Narc unceremoniously discards them and attention moves to the next victim … a new treasure chest of nourishment for the Narcissist to ‘hoover’ in order to fill the emptiness. Be sure, a Narc always has one or more potential victims being groomed in the wings, being cultivated to fall for counterfeit charms. The Narc will move on, neither holding us gently in their thoughts nor harboring regrets, continuing to use the energy sources that others supply. Amazingly, a Narc often will attempt to return to the dismissed victim for yet another cycle when other fuel sources are low.
Very few things in human emotional life are more exhilarating than being pursued by a Narcissist. Not many experiences in life are more devastating than being devalued and discarded by one who we thought truly loved us. A rollercoaster ride with a Narcissist leaves us emotionally gasping for life … having had our sacred inner and outer selves sucked away. Our self-esteem? Crushed.
Other metaphors can be applied to such an experience.
One is the vampire who preys ruthlessly on others. Like the emotionally drained victim of a vampire, we may be so vulnerable and wounded ourselves that we want and even consciously allow the Narc to return to repeat the ravaging cycle.
As we draw closer to someone we hope for love, truth, honesty and respect in the developing relationship. With a Narcissist, though, there should come a time when we must nudge ourselves to think and think again. As we fall more and more under control, we must wrestle with ourselves and walk away once the signaling behaviours morph into a cohesive set of red flags. Learn to recognize Narcissists:
- They show little regard for the feelings of others
- They are arrogant, aggressive and controlling at times
- They are grandiose
- They have a self-perception of being unique
- They have a sense of entitlement to special treatment
- They need admiration
- They are withdrawn and mysteriously unavailable at times
- They are critical of us
- They insult us
- They become angry when they are questioned about their actions
- They have a fragile ego
- They tell lies and manipulate us
- They lack empathy
- They must always be right
- They blame others
- They are unaware of their hurtful behavior
- They cannot apologize sincerely, if at all
When we consider such signs we cannot imagine loving someone who exhibits them.
But somehow many of us have managed to. The narcissistic mask had been cunningly crafted to draw us in. We now must determinedly walk away, push through the pain and heal. For most of us the time will again come to seek a new relationship.
Perhaps a valuable lesson has been learned: No relationship is worth repeated, emotional, and often physically attendant pain. Unfortunately, considerable wounding may occur before the Narcissistic mask slips. Truly, ‘no relationship’ is better than one with a Narcissist.
There’s no doubt that technology has brought so much to our life. Technology has brought with it some good things when it comes to dating and finding love, but in other ways I think it’s also hindered the process and has made things more confusing than in the past.
Technology & Dating
1.If you’re trying to keep your past out of your new relationship or if you’re not ready to share that you’re seeing someone new, it’s harder to keep private. You could experience the other person changing their relationship status before you’re ready.
2. You can’t vent about a bad date or a weird person you met because you will likely be found out if you vent online. Everything is so public now.
3. Now with technology’s assistance, you can find people from all over the world. It’s tempting to keep looking for the next best thing so it can be harder to settle. The only thing you should do is just to visit all those dating sites or connecting with socials media…
4. Also so many people pre-screen before their first date. That means they’re Googling you, Facebooking, and creeping your Instagram feed. They will already know where you went to school, if you have common friends, where you grew up, and even your favorite TV shows.
5. If a guy doesn’t call you back, that hurts. If he doesn’t tweet you back, well, who cares, right? With texting, email, and smartphones, chatting and relationship-initiation require less effort, which means the stakes—and the risk of rejection—are also lower.
6. There’s a site for every taste and fantasy now, so people are more likely to explore fetishes.
7. Got the person’s name? Then, through the magic of the world’s favorite search engine, you may have access to reams of information about them; especially if they’re in a reasonably high-profile job… Now, even total strangers may be open books.
8. Both men and women are less likely to remain in crappy relationships. Knowing that a new, better boyfriend is just a few clicks away they are more open to new & and different dates every time.
Read also: http://dating-news.net/index.php/online-dating-the-easiest-way-to-meet-whom-you-really-want/
You are the guy who can’t be romantic? Men aren’t supposed to like romance, right? Well, that’s the theory, anyway!
You can’t express easily romance and sensitive feelings to your girlfriend? Understand what romance means and why it is important and learn what romantic aspects there are to your own character. No one has a heart made of stone, however tough their exterior.
If you don’t consider yourself romantic then you are wrong. I don’t know of anyone on this planet who doesn’t have the ability to fall in love. Therefore if you can fall in love, you can be romantic too. Romance is not in the grand gestures, it is in the small details.
Women will often say that it is the small things that matter. The small gestures but it is down to both men and women to start being romantic. It is a two-way process and both parties get an immense amount of pleasure from showing they care about someone. Yes we would all love to have a romantic picnic on a deserted Caribbean beach with the person of our dreams but romance begins closer to home with tips such as these:
- The key to being romantic is thoughtfulness. So start being a little less thoughtless and selfish.
- Communicate with your partner on every level and anticipate their desires and needs.
- Look at your partner when they are talking and hold their gaze.
- Learn that mood, location, situation and ambience can heighten romance with dramatic effect.
- Phone just to say hello, I love you and surprise your partner.
- Learn to say, I love you and mean it. Don’t say it ever, if you don’t mean it.
- Send them notes and small cards telling them you are thinking of them.
- Think creatively and plan a surprise weekend away.
- Put your partner first, particularly as a surprise with a spontaneous trip away.
There is a popular saying that you can’t keep doing things the same way and expect different results. And there is the biblical saying that you should first remove the log in your own eyes, before you can see clearly to remove the speck in your friend’s or neighbour’s eyes.
Ladies, this article is all about removing the speck in our own eyes, before we start to complain about the behaviour and inactions of the men in our lives. There are four specific logs we are going to be dealing with. Let’s try not to cringe, if you do see yourself, instead, attempt to make positive changes.
1. If you are rude and lack manners
In as much as there are really nice and cultured ladies out there, there are not that many. They are rare, and totally worth their weight in diamonds, if you catch the drift. Michael once shared his first date diary with us and, although it was a pretty normal date, the part that he did not include was the rudeness of his date.
They had gone out to an upscale restaurant for their first date, and all was well, until the inquisition started. She wanted to know all the details of his life at once, and his attempts to change the topic to something light were rebuffed. In fact, he was told point blank that he better answer the questions, or there would be no second date. Talk about presumptuousness.
It did not end there. She went on to talk about her exes, and men in general, and it was all done in a loud and nasty manner, giving no concern to the fact that they were in a public place. If you were in Micheal’s shoes, you would not want to go on a second date, much less actually have any meaningful relationship with such a person.
The simple fact is this; the first three dates are like a casual dance to see how you fit, they are not meant to be tell-all dates. Definitely not the place to talk about money, like Michael’s date did.
2. If you want to eat your cake and have it
There is a movie which a local station has been showing for some time now, and the story line runs along the lines of three ladies, all who were dating other men, besides their steady boyfriends and fiancés; Alhajis, Chiefs, Toy Boys, and even their bosses, they all had these on a string, making promises they had no intention of keeping.
What happened in the end was predictable, as the steady boyfriends all got wind of the competition they had, and planned the best pay back for the ladies. One flew the coop, with all of his lady’s business capital; the second left his bride at the altar, literally; and the last one was dumped by both men (who were friends and flat mates). All of them lost out in the end.
In the movie, one of the friends of the ladies cautioned her about her philandering ways, and she had retorted that she was not going to put all her eggs in one basket. Well, in the end, she had no basket to put her eggs anymore, and literally, had to carry them by herself.
While you can get away with cheating on your partner for a while, one day it will come out, because secrets do have a way of coming out, so tread carefully. If your man finds out that he is just an option, not the main guy, and he decides to take a walk, remember, he did nothing to you, you did it all to yourself.
3. If you do not have standards
The danger in not having any set standard is that when you have gone way below where you want to be, you wouldn’t know the difference. True, we can find love in strange places, but having standards and thresholds help define where you would be looking for love.
Chidera shared her story of how she had always been willing to settle for just about any man, and she did settle for some low men; men who hit her, drained her emotionally, and left her hating herself.
Still, Chidera was hopeful that things would look up one day, and that she would meet the man of her dreams, but it did not get better. Her last relationship was the worst she had ever been in. He was a divorcee, who had a history of wife-battery, but Chidera, desperate and needing to be loved, accepted the love he offered.
Thinking he was going to be an older man who, having experienced some of the harsh sides of life, would be more understanding. She poured her life into him, he filled her waking and sleeping thoughts. He had become her life, and he took advantage of her. They eventually broke up, when he used a secret she had shared with him, to insult her in the heat of a terrible argument they were having over money. He told he, it was because of her character that no man had ever stayed with her.
Chidera couldn’t take that lying down. She walked out of the relationship, and never looked back. It made her realise how low her self esteem was, and how she had grown accustomed to looking to others for validation. She has since moved on to loving herself, and only herself, as she has since realised that was the only way she would be able to discern a man who loved her, and not one who wanted to use her, for whatever reasons.
At least now, she knows that the outcome of her last relationship, and the ones before that, was no fault of the men, but solely hers. She did not know what she wanted, hence settled for anything.
4. If you are too dependent
Some women are notorious for doing this; becoming too dependent on a man for everything. While men like to fend for their loved ones, it says a lot about the woman, if she is able to pitch in once in a while, instead of leaving absolutely everything to the man.
It is plain gold- digger signal that any man gets, once you start to expect him to provide for your needs and wants, especiall if you are not married to him. If you are like that, prepare for what is coming next; you might not be treated well. And that will only be a shame, absolutely.
Seen yourself yet? The idea is, before you point fingers in the direction of men, as the harbinger of your pain, search within you, to see where your shortcomings are and fix it.
Super excited about this post on #MeetingTheParents!! Although it’s short, I think it is full of great information that will serve the purpose of making a good impression on your partner’s parents. So, this post is a small introduction into the importance of meeting your partner’s parents and some of the steps you can take in making that step. I hope you enjoy this read and if it does not apply to you please share it will someone else! Happy reading my beautiful, bold, and charming Women!
The Importance of Meeting the Parents
Meeting the parents of your significant other is a step that most people either take too soon, or not soon enough. Meeting the parents may act as an eminent step to learning the people and environment that nurtured the person you are in relationship with. It teaches you about their likes, dislikes, the foundation of their attitude, personality, and perspective on life. If you want to understand and learn your partner, meeting the parents is what I would suggest you do. While you may think you know everything about your partner because you have “been with them for a while”, you do not. Meeting the parents will show you aspects of your partner that you would not be able to see without adding his parents into the equation.
As a woman meeting the parents of the man in your life can be a scary experience. Many thoughts can bounce through your mind from “Will she accept me?” and ” Will she like me?”to “What if after I meet them I second guess whether I should be with my partner?” Truth is, meeting the parents is a sure fire way to understanding who that person you claim to love, be in love with, and want to spend your life with really is.
Walking up to the house you are most likely extremely nervous. This is a normal feeling. While your significant other is continually reassuring you that his parents will love you because you are a great person, or because they are nice people, you can’t help but to wonder what you have gotten yourself in to. The most important piece to remember is that you are an amazing person and planting the seed for your significant others parents to like you is pretty simple.
Below are 5 steps to making sure that your meeting with the parents is a success.
1.Compliment his parents on something—anything. Their wardrobe, the house, their son–literally anything. This may seem like sucking up but, if you actually mean it (Which you should) it will seem genuine and authentic and the parents will be grateful for your kind words. You can say something like—“Wow, I see where your son gets his good looks!” (Cheesy, I know LOL ).
2.Offer to help his mom with whatever she may be doing. If she is cooking, offer to help her cook. If she is setting the table, offer to help do that as well. Do something. Don’t ask and wait for her to accept. Say something like— ” I will help you prepare the table and I wont take no for an answer”. It shows your persistence to be helpful even if the event is supposed to be catered toward meeting you.
3.When that dreadful question is asked of you don’t be afraid to answer it. “So, tell us something about you?” Show confidence and boldness. Now is not the time to be meek. Some of the things you can talk about are where you are from, what you do for a living, your goals in life, your family life, and more. Maybe insert a joke because you don’t want the mood to get too serious.
4.Don’t be afraid to ask them questions. Don’t be overly interested as if you are trying to suck up to them, but be genuinely interested in the lives of your partner’s parents. Ask them questions about raising their son, their jobs, religion, culture, the news, and more.
5.Last thing..This is most important! Prove that you can fit in with his family by adjusting to their culture and way of doing things. So, if crazy uncle Bert likes to debate, give him the debate of his life. If the family likes to dance to old school R&B after dinner, join the club. If the family talk over each other to get their point across, you yell as well so that everyone knows you are adaptable, and wont be drowned out during family time. Make your presence known. This is the first encounter the family has with you and you want to show them that you can mesh well with them.
All in all, meeting the parents can be an anxious or even scary experience. But, it can also be a very eye-opening experience. Take your time, smile, follow these steps and don’t forget to be YOU! I hope you enjoyed this post!
In our modern world of swiping right into love, people are frustrated.
Some swipe right all day and never get a date. Others swipe right into the date whose profile pictures were obviously from ten years ago.
It sucks…for everyone.
It’s easy to find a date. But the problem with apps, like Tinder and Bumble, is that the apps are built to our human fallacies.
Having 186 matches on Tinder and no girlfriend is far worse than having no matches and one girlfriend. Yet, we still love playing the limitless option game.
Instead of finding someone we can get serious with, we drown in the sea of choices and rising tide of unrealistically high expectations. We are hoping that the next right swipe is the “9” we’ve been waiting our whole life for.
Here’s the problem.
Seeing someone’s name, picture, and bio gives you practically no way to measure your “match” potential.
So you message them and plan a date to see if this person matches the type of person you want to date.
As a result, you waste a lot of your precious time on shitty dates.
What you need to do is sit down and figure out exactly what you want.
Dating is a lot like running a marketing firm. You attract “clients” by marketing directly to them and offering “services” that add value to their life.
Right now, your marketing firm is sending the following message:
This causes no interest from the people you are trying to attract.
That’s the fast track to becoming a sixty-five-year-old single loser living alone in a tree, surrounded by the monkeys of resentment, shame, and regret.
The best method is to understand what type of person you are trying to attract and figure out how to present yourself (authentically) so this person will be attracted to you.
5 Steps to Attracting the Type of Person You Want to Attract
Step 1: Make a list that describes the ideal person you want to attract.
Question: Do you want someone who is intelligent or stupid?
Each person’s definition of intelligence is different.
- Humor is seen as intelligent.
- A PhD is only seen as intelligent to some people.
Getting crystal clear on what you are seeking will prime your mind to find that person.
Here’s how it works.
Look up from your screen and look at the world around you. I want you to notice everything that is red.
Now, close your eyes and recall everything that was blue.
Nearly impossible, huh?
Scientists now know the brain receives 400 billion bits of information each second, but our minds only process a measly 2,000 bits. That means you only recognize one-millionth of a percent of what’s out there.
What filters your mind is what you focus on. By focusing on the qualities you seek, your mind will help you recognize the type of people you want to attract.
No, this isn’t some pseudo science bullshit. Psychologists call this priming.
If you want to create an amazing list to find your partner, then click here now.
Step 2: Reorder the list into two categories: Must-Haves and Nice-to-Haves
Must-Haves are the deal breakers. They are the qualities a partner would absolutely have to have or else, you will not date them.
- Is smoking a deal breaker to you?
- Is cuddling a must for you?
Nice-to-Haves are all the qualities you’d like in an ideal mate, but could compromise if you were happy otherwise.
- Receiving love notes
- Loves to salsa dance, or has a desire to learn
Ideally, your list has a lot more nice-to-haves than deal-breakers. The more rigid you are in your must-haves, the more people you will need to meet. The longer it might take you to find your ideal match.
If your ideal match is a needle-in-a-haystack type of person, you need to go where the haystacks are and take your damn metal detector. (In case you were wondering, your list is the metal detector.)
Step 3: You Attract What You Are
Now go back through your list and circle each item that matches the traits you have to offer the person you want to attract right now.
If you’re not delusional, almost everything on your list should be circled. That means you have excellent – not too low or too high, but just right – standards.
Typically, people are happiest with someone similar to themselves – that includes looks, intelligence, education, and hobbies. Scientist call this assortative mating. The truth is you attract what you are.
Step 4: Review and Revise Your List Regularly
One of the most valuable things you can do to improve any aspect of your life is to schedule time in your calendar. The only reason you go to the dentist is because they scheduled you to show up on a certain day to do a certain thing.
Do the same thing with your list. Write it down here. Right now.
I will review and revise my list every _____ (Sunday) at _______ (8pm).
Step 5: Create a Post-Date Scoring System
The goal of dating is to create mutual win-win relationships. The date is the test for both the other person and you to display your traits. This test will help you logically and emotionally answer the most important dating question of all – should I see this person again?
Check out an exclusive test I created here just for you.
Typically, people will meet, have sex, get emotionally involved, and then figure out whether the person they are dating is their ideal match, let alone if they want the same things they want.
This is ass backwards. Figuring out what type of person you want to attract by understanding who they are, what they want, and what they’re attracted to will lead you to creating lasting and passionate win-win relationships.
And that’s really what you need.
Many people have their own views, reasoning, and understanding of cheating. What is missing are the facts which are why they cheat, who’s more likely, and understanding a cheaters mind. In Psychology Today it states that 90% of Americans believe infidelity is unacceptable, yet 30-40% of people engage in infidelity (Billi Gordon Ph.D.). This poses the question, then why do they do it? There are five reasons founded to cause cheating.
This is where the person or “cheater” themselves have no real reason behind their behaviors. It could be the fear of monogamy which has been known to produce anxiety, and panic like attacks knowing they will remain with only one-person. Fear of being “tied down” where they might feel trapped causing a rebellion like outlook. Individual reasoning does not discriminate this can inflict men and women. The understanding is that they are placed in a situation causing and irrational fear that “normal” relationships cannot comprehend. This leaves that individual guilt-free and able to move on from their current situation without remorse. These individuals are identified and serial daters. They do not committee, but they will let you think they are. Be careful when involving yourself with these types of individuals.
Science has indicated the men are more likely to cheat then women, because of their testosterone level. Before eyes start to roll let’s try and understand how chemicals in the body can change, alter, and even coerce an individual’s actions. So what is testosterone? This is a male chemical compound that are directly related to personality, mood, and aggression (Sherry Baker). Age, stress, and personal health are in direct correlation with testosterone increases and decreases in men. This is where men get their swagger, libido, drive, and focus. If testosterone is high they are more active and confident, and if their testosterone is low they become less engaged. So ladies if you notice your man more sexually aroused, full of energy, and confident these are indicators his testosterone levels are elevated. This is by no means an excuse to cheat, but it could be a reason why. So instead of jumping to conclusions “he doesn’t love me”, “I’m not good enough” etc. Instead find out why he stepped out, and try to go from there. This could help identify a possible issue, and help rebuild a dip in the relationship.
We all look for personalities traits in a mate, but did you know there is a type of personality that could leave you heartbroken? Sociopaths, Narcissism, and Addictive behaviors are all indicative to problematic love lives. These individuals feel no remorse, have no understanding of others around them, and can mimic affection without ever feeling it. These individuals are difficult to identify, and leave many people in their wake. You cannot change, convince, or help them because of their inability to connect to another person. Do not invest too much time with these types of individuals because not only will you suffer, but the likelihood of abuse starts to looms. He will perform the most impressive mental acrobatics in order to make it seem as if others are the cause for his terrible behavior (Sarah P. ). They place blame on you, they are unable to identify their wrong doing, and you can easily predict their future actions. If you knew then what you know now, what would you do? That question would be irrelevant due to your ability to predict your lover’s future actions. These types of people are hard to leave, but it’s crazy to stay.
Many people have problems in their relationships, but is it enough to cause someone to cheat? I’m sure many you would say no, but there are other pressures involved. Finances being the major reason, but what about education? There are mismatched couples. They are unable to communicate properly, fight consistently, and even develop enmeshed and diffused boundaries stemming from their background e.g. education, social economic, etc. This type of coupling has an individual who is dominate, abrasive, and self-assure where their partner is meek and defused from the relationship. With such differences either one within this type of relationship could become the cheater. One might feel like they are out of the other person’s league, and their partner might feel under appreciated. Relationship reasoning’s can go either direction out of sheer self-preservation and ego.
This can fall under so many different spectrum i.e. love, money, abuse, distance, etc. Cheating is something that is done with intent! You don’t accidentally slip and fall into someone. Just like you don’t accidentally stop loving someone it takes purpose and a drive to act. So if you are in a situation that is toxic, abusive, or dangerous it is important to know that you are NOT at fault! If you no longer love someone it is part of your relationship to communicate that. Money is the root of all evil but it is the main demon we all hunt for so we can live. Distance is easily overcome when your heart is truly in it. We can make up excuses on why their partner cheated. Remember to first look at the situation, because there are many facets involved. Then ask, can we be saved? Is our relationship worth it? There is no black or white, but red and blue. Our hearts bleed for our loved ones. Our tears stream when hope is lost. Emotions are sensitive, but over time wounds heal, hearts mend, and life reignites us when it’s time.