“I have a question for you but when I ask it you can never tell a soul.” He whispered quietly across the table.
“Okay!?” Confused and intrigued.
“I don’t think you can handle it though.” He said sitting back upright, with an air of cockiness.
“I’m a big girl I can handle it.” I replied, still confused to why I couldn’t handle a question at a job interview.
“Are we going to go upstairs to one of the bedrooms and take this to the next level?”
Hold on. Did this just happen? Yes. Yes it did. And he is sitting there with a huge grin. Looking very proud of himself and his power. Wowzer.
In 2016 is this is still happening?
The narrow mindless of some men that a woman is only good on her back and not for her professionalism, intelligent and wit. Or is it a man with the power thinking it is expectable to put pressure upon another human being.
All for a job.
A job that is not guaranteed post deed, but will ‘help the discussion making process’.
In 1928 women won the vote, allowing our voices to be heard about crucial issues involving the country and our futures. But in 2016 our CV’s still aren’t worth the Paperchase paper they are printed on.
“It’s not how far women have come and how far we have to go. It’s how far men still have to go.”
I discuss with some work colleagues about how far women have come and still how far we have to go. One colleague speaks up looking at what I said from an angle I had not even thought of. She completed nailed it. Unlike the interviewer, who tried to nail me.
We have come so far, and day-by-day we are continuing the movement of equality that began years before this generation of women were even born. But men, some men, need to begin taking the steps forward and stop living in 1927.
In the morning of an important job interview. A career-changing interview. A interview for my ultimate dream job. I practice introducing myself. Strong, confidant not too forceful. I go over possible interview questions that might arise. Answering out loud in the bathroom with answers that showcase my ability and personality, proving I am the perfect candidate for the job. I plan my outfit. A smart casual dress with shoes with a slight heel but comfortable. Decide the correct amount of make-up to be worn. Avoiding a smoky eye for the breakfast meeting. Drink a large mug of green tea to calm the butterflies in my belly. Check the TFL app for delays. Pack a condom in my bag along with my CV. Oh, wait, no I don’t. Purely because I have never considered and will never consider banging a possible future boss for a job.
No job beats my self worth.
No man beats my standards and me.
As I am sure you are aware I declined the sex. And was declined the job.
After a few days of feeling depressed that this world is so backwards still, in some aspects I reevaluate what I want in my life and career. Maybe the route I was going down isn’t for my vagina and me. But this is not the only route or path to take. There are options, there are always options. As the sexist blues begin to disappear the paths becoming clearer and new options begin to become clearer to me. These options allow my legs to stay firmly shut and my CV and my well-practiced interview answers to speak for themselves.
I have firmly decided I am not that single girl that has to sleep her way to the top.
How’s your sex life? If you’re thinking, “oh…not so good”, you may want to consider one issue that basically ruins sex for couples. The question is: Are you present during sex? This is a common road block to a healthy sex life that many people are not aware of.
Life is so busy that it’s usually very difficult to take the focus off of everything you have to deal with. Just stop and think: Where is my mind right now? Is it focusing on this article? Is it thinking about what I’m going to do after I read this article? Is it multitasking?
Are we ever really present? When you focus all of your attention on one thing, it works out best, no matter what you’re doing.
The same rule applies for sex. Has someone ever said something like this to you:
“Honey…where are you?….I know you not with me….”
Well, answer the question! WHERE WERE YOU? Were you making your grocery list? Were you thinking about what’s on the desk in the morning? Were you ANYWHERE else but having a connected intimate moment with your partner?
So what do you do?
Clear your mind and forget about everything else. Pause. You don’t multitask or plan your day during sex. That bastardizes the experience. It is surprising how many couples face this issue and don’t even realize it. The beauty is that once people become aware of it, they can change it.
So recognize the reality of what you are doing and SAY IT TO YOURSELF: “I am having sex. Everything else will wait.”
On nothing but your partner and the feeling. Don’t let your mind stray from satisfying your partner. Maintain the energetic connection. Be willing to step outside of your comfort zone to please her. Eye contact is critical. Don’t break it, especially during climax. But remember, you’ll only reach to a good climax if you keep your mind in the bedroom.
Feel the reality of what is happening in that moment. The reality of human connection at its most intimate level. The reality of sharing humanity’s most pleasurable act.
Being present can be applied to anything in your life. Bringing total focus on whatever task you engage in will give you the best results and the most satisfaction. Don’t allow sex to be just another thing on the to-do list. Make sure you’re present. Make it count. Don’t let this one make it the beginning of the end.
Most people assume that a healthy sex life is just a given. This is a huge misunderstanding and relationships and sex lives both take work from those involved, it’s just that every movie, magazine article and tv episode indicates it should be easy, so we are left with a sex myth or gap between reality and what we think we SHOULD be doing.
Here are five tips that you will find useful for getting the sex that you want.
1. Define what healthy is for YOU.
Don’t take any notice of what the magazine you are reading says is a ‘normal’ amount of sex to have. Normal is whatever you make of it. In the way that we are all individual so are our sexual desires. Problems arise in couples when there is a difference in level or requirements of desire, but often when you talk about it openly you can agree to try something that works well for both of you.
2. Sensuality is key to sexuality.
The sensation of skin on skin touch produces a hormone called oxytocin which is essential for human bonding and plays a huge role in mother-baby relationship building. This isn’t different in adult relationships and touch should not be underestimated. The skin makes the entire body one big erogenous zone and exploring it can be really sexy. Why not try setting a clock and exploring the body with touch, whilst banning the areas usually touched in sex such as the genitals or nipples until the timer goes off.
3. Make time for sex
With the incredibly busy lives that people lead where we never escape technology it can be difficult to make time for sex. Why not agree to an evening where you go to bed an hour early and turn off all technology so that you are not disturbed and see where it takes you. Sex doesn’t have to happen but it is important to make time to reconnect with each other and your bodies.
4. Take a risk
Lots of people say that they are bored with their sex lives and it becomes repetitive as they never try anything new. Take a risk. Trying something new has to be suggested by one of you whether it is a position, item of clothing, location or new toy it takes courage and risk to offer up the opportunity. Make an agreement to try something new each month and alternate who suggests it.
5. Laugh when it goes wrong.
Sex can be messy and the best way to deal with something going wrong like falling off the bed, getting cramp or an unexpected noise is to laugh it off. Sex is meant to be fun and sometimes we can forget that, being able to relax and laugh about it may even bring you closer.
Yes, Salt n’ Papa had it right! Let’s talk about sex, because this is one of the most important conversations a couple, lovers, and yes even one night stands will ever have. No matter your relationship title you should always talk about sex! Expectations, your willingness, turn-ons, and deal breakers to help the other person know how to please you. Ladies don’t expect him to know what will please you, because you’re the only one who knows those bedroom secrets. Guys want to know what makes you wet, turns you on, and keeps you going. This is important to their confidence and ego, so if they can’t do any of those things for you then they think it’s them, when it’s you! Give them a fighting chance to make your night unforgettable. Even though men connect physically they still have pleasure sensors just like you. So ask him what he likes and how he likes it. I believe what’s fair is fair and you can’t get yours without him getting his, because it’s never nice when only one person gets off.
Men please don’t assume you know what you’re doing.
Because every women is different. If you don’t feel like you’re getting the job done it’s probably because you’re not! Ask her, what do you like? How can I please you? Something! Here’s a secret about women, we don’t want to hurt your feelings and we don’t like to be disappointed. As confusing as that may be it’s the best way to get through a dry spell, lack of interest, and the dreaded faking it. Take a moment and talk about what you can do for her, and what you would like her to do for you.
Ideas for you both to enjoy.
Toys, lotions, music, chocolate, it’s all a good idea! Cuddle, caress, kiss, and even flirt with one another. It’s called foreplay for a reason, so play with each other! This is a part of the desire that women love to feel. It’s not meant to make you work, but to keep her feeling desirable. No shortcuts. Women like to hear they’re beautiful but don’t let it be the only thing, because it does get old after a while. Men, I’m sorry if this sounds like it’s all on you. Half the battle is getting through to women on talking about sex. Ladies if you’re not enjoying your partner maybe you should stop, and think if there is something not being said. Instead of having unsatisfying sex, and turning to your vibrator tell him where you need him, he will appreciate you more for that. Communication is part of sex so you should share in it to make your sex life better, and most of all have fun!
Have a great one,
It’s the 4th of July. Fireworks are all around me. Even in the city that never sleeps, more often than not, I meet women who are stuck in some kind of dependent mindset in which they long for prince charming, a house with a white picket fence and 1.94 kids. The cost of this delusion is shitty sex and controlled vaginas.
Which is hard to believe in this day and age – and in this city. I feel like I’m in some kind of delusional Disney movie where women are looking for the Prince Charming Leprechaun Unicorn to make all their problems go away!
Here’s a 6 step example of the brainwashing of American women that I see.
If you want sex, something must be wrong with you.
If you want a “stable monogamous” relationship – but you don’t want sex – then something is right with you.
If you want sex but don’t want commitment – there IS something broken in you.
There is only a limited amount of love to go around. Give love to one person only – because if you love more that one, you take away from another. Like the stock market, love is a zero sum game.
One partner should and must supply every need in your life – and if they aren’t, something is wrong with you, something is wrong with them or something is wrong with the relationship.
Be miserable and tolerate intolerable behavior in the name of romantic love – the feeling of “but I love him/her.”
This simple brainwashing formula creates a ton of unhappy people in unhappy, sexless relationships and it makes me want to scream. Because women act like these “moral” ideas are absolute truths, facts and reality. And for most of us, this can’t be farther from the truth.
The problem is that critical thinking is not a natural thing. It must be learned. And if we think critically about the brainwashing formula – and its myriad of forms – it’s easy to see that these ideas are just a bunch of made up hooey. For example – step 5. Show me evidence that shows that the majority of people experience one person supplying them with everything.
It’s just not reality.
What’s wrong is the brainwashing model we are using, not the people using it. Sexual brainwashing is a form of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is essentially the idea that our beliefs in god, morality, the universe, karma, etc are real tangible things. And our belief in their extra worldly power, in effect, make us powerless. Helpless to change.
Our beliefs create patterns of behavior shaped by negative, suppressive experiences. We take it to mean something about our inner selves. We learn to act helpless in our search for love and relationships – even though we are not!
The key point is that if you have no control in your life regarding sex and love, then you learn there is no escape. So eventually we lose our voice. We lose ourselves. We lose our ability to take action – even though we actually CAN take action. This is what my TantraXO course is all about. Helping women break free of the bullshit psychological brainwashing that creates learned helplessness.
The good news is this: If you can learn it, you can unlearn it! So here’s to psychological Independence Day!
A few weeks ago, I got into an argument on Facebook about whether porn was good or bad for relationships. They were arguing that porn is unethical, unhealthy, and damaging for relationships (specifically marriage), but I disagreed. Vehemently.
As a sex coach, I work with clients who experience a myriad of issues. The most common are a lack of creativity in the bedroom, no time for sex, and embarrassment around having open sexual conversations.
We all know that porn is a controversial topic. It often portrays unhealthy sexual encounters, unrealistic body types, and creates a significantly skewed understanding of sex.
The problem isn’t porn.
The problem is how we consume it – mindlessly and as uninformed consumers.
The problem is we aren’t teaching comprehensive sex education to young folks. We aren’t talking about connection, pleasure, vulnerability, and the intricacies of sexual relationships. We aren’t taught about consent and uncomfortable conversations and how sex changes as we age.
Porn is entertainment. Like money, it isn’t inherently good or bad. What determines that is how it’s used.
Unfortunately, too many people use porn to learn about sex. Just like you wouldn’t watch The Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive a car, you shouldn’t turn to mainstream porn to understand healthy sexual encounters.
If porn is consumed in secret, if porn is a lie, if porn is used for something other than entertainment, or if it becomes a compulsion, then porn can be incredibly damaging.
But, when porn is consumed consciously and for fun, it can become one tool among many in a toolbox rich with options.
This is when porn can actually be healthy and beneficial. Couples who consume porn in this way can find inspiration for new positions, new fantasies, and new conversations.
Though many argue that porn is demeaning to women and trans folks (and yes, mainstream pornography certainly can be), there are many porn producers out there who are making ethical, inclusive porn. You just have to know where to look.
Unfortunately, as a society, we are so afraid of open sexual conversations that shame drives our sexual interests and behaviors into silence, and everyone suffers for it.
Porn is part of a much larger, much more complex problem around sex negativity that is well beyond the “porn is bad” argument.
So, how can porn be used for good?
First, porn can be incredibly validating when you are viewing the kinds of films that are inclusive of a variety of bodies, sexual orientations, gender identities, and interests.
I recently attended the Queer Porn Film Festival in Brooklyn. One of the speakers, Chelsea Poe, is a trans porn performer.
She talked about receiving messages from other trans women saying Chelsea had saved their lives. Why? Because these women had no idea what their options were for healthy sex and human connection (trans women certainly aren’t represented in mainstream media as sexual beings unless they’re being fetishized), and after they saw Chelsea’s films realized that there was hope for them. That they could have fun, healthy, pleasurable sexual experiences in the bodies that they had.
Second, like any form of entertainment, when porn is used mindfully and from a place of awareness, it can help couples reignite their passion.
Porn can help people explore new ideas and kinks. It can help shy people have sexual conversations about needs and desires.
People can send their partners a link to a sexy clip and suggest that their next date night may involve what they see in the scene. Or if a partner is traveling, watching the same video at the same time can be a fun way to stay connected across any distance.
The most important thing to remember about porn consumption is that there is nothing wrong with you if you enjoy watching erotic acts or sexual films.
Too often people shame their partners for enjoying porn. Instead, try inviting your partner to be a part of the viewing experience and use it to share and bond.
Pornography is an industry that’s interested in profits. That means the industry chases the dollar. Where you spend your money directly influences the kinds of films that get made.
So while there are countless free options available online, when you take the time to spend money on films and filmmakers that are making the kinds of films you want to see more of, you’re helping to drive the future of porn.
The bottom line is that for some couples, inviting new and exciting elements into their intimacy deepens their connection and expands the art of the possible.
Pornography can play a vital role in a healthy sexual relationship. But only if we are willing to talk about it, get smart about it, and shed the shame.