Narcissism Relationships/Breakups: Part 3
Narcissists are serial offenders. They need continual replenishment to fill their emptiness. They frequently revisit the wells that previously quenched their thirst. Their prior victims are often eager to oblige.
As Narcissist victims, knowing that we are not alone is no solace.
We are dealing with and living through the aftermath of those revisits in very personal and real pain. It is as though we seek to torture ourselves when we allow the repeat ‘hoovering’ of what Narcs seek that is within us. The love, heart and soul that they lack.
Have you been here?
Anyone in a relationship with a full-blown Narcissist knows what I am talking about. Such a relationship is not characterized by the normal ups and downs of most relationships but by dramatic and relentless upheavals. Many Narcs are addicted to the chaos they create in their lives and the lives of others.
Throughout our ordeal the initial overflowing feelings of being ever so special were tested again and again by the ideal Renaissance Love … the wo/man who pursued us with fervor and rising lust. We were no longer the luckiest person in the world to be so perfect for our Mr/s. Perfects. Increasingly they made sure we were aware of their displeasure’s with their criticisms and outbursts of anger.
Like a roller coaster, the breathtaking descent began
Abruptly at the very height we had been manipulated to believe would soon arrive. So abruptly were we jolted that we could not accept what was actually happening. How did this special journey we thought we were sharing reverse 180 degrees … and why? When we reached bottom, thankful for reprieve and a chance at redemption, with our Narc at the controls we found ourselves reversed again for no known reason, plunked into the roller coaster seat and buckled in once more.
Totally confused and spent by the devaluation phase of a typical Narc pattern, we allowed them to continue to suck out of us every ounce of what we had to give them. Eventually, with our special fuel depleted, nothing more could be had from us. Time for the giver and destroyer of happiness and trust to move on yet again.
How do we get off such a volatile and frightening roller coaster?
The answer: not easily. Narcissists keep us on the track as long as they can control us and we can be of use to them. As we try to jump off to save our emotional lives and physical well-being (yes, physical ailments start to surface) we are sucked back in by apologies and promises offering glimmers of hope. Narcissists are confident we still love them after all. Just one more ascent we think … this time we will have a gentle happy ending. Or so we naively believe!
The dizzying and dark pattern of a relationship with true Narcissists is idealize, devalue, discard. Their even more devastating returns and repetitions of the cycle with the same ever-hopeful individual while grooming others to be their future victims are inexplicable to patient friends. They wonder how could you let this happen … and more than once.
The answer is quite simple.
If such an experience is the first one for us, we don’t see the individual for who s/he really is until it is too late. Until we are caught in the web of lies and the uncanny ability to manipulate and control us. We want to believe the lies because we love them and the seductive magic they create.
If we are reluctant to share our experiences with our most trusted acquaintances, if we feel ashamed of accepting our Narc back time and time again in spite of some level of hopeful happiness, if our self-esteem suffers, if we are in more emotional pain than pleasure, if we give more than we get, then we must ask ourselves if the relationship is healthy, mutually supportive, and open in every way. If it is not, we then know what to do.
Narcs can sparkle and shine.
Those of us who seek a fulfilling relationship must be vigilant to not establish a self-destructive pattern as the result of attraction to a Narcissist. That attraction can be triggered by our own dysfunctional past. It can be our pattern to resist and conquer.
Do not allow a Narcissist to shadow our positive space. Multiple involvements with Narcs could become a deadly habit. Stress and remorse and shame can affect the body’s systems enough to bring us close to death. Stress comes arm-in-arm with a Narcissist. And stress can kill. Beware.
Narcissism and Relationships/Breakups: Part 2 of a series
Narcissists are difficult to spot because they wear numerous differing masks throughout their lives as they draw in the various people they groom for varying purposes. They must hide the empty spaces inside themselves, those vacuums normally occupied by a heart and soul. They passionately cover their self-loathing which they eventually project onto us, their victims. (Either they were born that way or life experiences in their younger years tragically shaped them. They are somehow victims themselves.) The emptiness they hold within compels the constant replenishment of nourishment via the emotional energies of others. That same emptiness that does not allow them to truly love.
Narcissists are expert at hiding their true identity while they groom their new victims.
Clever, Narcs exhibit characteristic charming personalities when in pursuit, operating behind near perfect projections that many of their targets find difficult to resist.
Narcs veraciously consume all the love and adoration they can extract from others, leaving the victims drained and devastated. A Narcissist’s need in this regard is insatiable. A Narc can never sincerely reciprocate in kind with the precious emotional commodities they determinedly seek.
Once victims’ precious fuel is successfully depleted.
The Narc unceremoniously discards them and attention moves to the next victim … a new treasure chest of nourishment for the Narcissist to ‘hoover’ in order to fill the emptiness. Be sure, a Narc always has one or more potential victims being groomed in the wings, being cultivated to fall for counterfeit charms. The Narc will move on, neither holding us gently in their thoughts nor harboring regrets, continuing to use the energy sources that others supply. Amazingly, a Narc often will attempt to return to the dismissed victim for yet another cycle when other fuel sources are low.
Very few things in human emotional life are more exhilarating than being pursued by a Narcissist. Not many experiences in life are more devastating than being devalued and discarded by one who we thought truly loved us. A rollercoaster ride with a Narcissist leaves us emotionally gasping for life … having had our sacred inner and outer selves sucked away. Our self-esteem? Crushed.
Other metaphors can be applied to such an experience.
One is the vampire who preys ruthlessly on others. Like the emotionally drained victim of a vampire, we may be so vulnerable and wounded ourselves that we want and even consciously allow the Narc to return to repeat the ravaging cycle.
As we draw closer to someone we hope for love, truth, honesty and respect in the developing relationship. With a Narcissist, though, there should come a time when we must nudge ourselves to think and think again. As we fall more and more under control, we must wrestle with ourselves and walk away once the signaling behaviours morph into a cohesive set of red flags. Learn to recognize Narcissists:
- They show little regard for the feelings of others
- They are arrogant, aggressive and controlling at times
- They are grandiose
- They have a self-perception of being unique
- They have a sense of entitlement to special treatment
- They need admiration
- They are withdrawn and mysteriously unavailable at times
- They are critical of us
- They insult us
- They become angry when they are questioned about their actions
- They have a fragile ego
- They tell lies and manipulate us
- They lack empathy
- They must always be right
- They blame others
- They are unaware of their hurtful behavior
- They cannot apologize sincerely, if at all
When we consider such signs we cannot imagine loving someone who exhibits them.
But somehow many of us have managed to. The narcissistic mask had been cunningly crafted to draw us in. We now must determinedly walk away, push through the pain and heal. For most of us the time will again come to seek a new relationship.
Perhaps a valuable lesson has been learned: No relationship is worth repeated, emotional, and often physically attendant pain. Unfortunately, considerable wounding may occur before the Narcissistic mask slips. Truly, ‘no relationship’ is better than one with a Narcissist.
Narcissism and Relationships/Breakups: Part 1
Narcissistic … a word bandied about very loosely these days … aptly applies to someone who creates ‘crash landing’ breakups.
The painful relationship reality some of us must deal with is that we are involved with partners who live their lives within the framework of Narcissistic Personality Disorder … NPD. Studies reveal that this operative disorder affects approximately 1%  of the entire population and affects more males than females.
 Wikipedia; Narcissistic Personality Disorder
NPD is the base of many problematic relationships.
Its patterns are the answers to many of our questions about difficult relationships and their ensuing breakups. ‘Narcissistic’ is more than a descriptive adjective. The word also is the handle for a very real medically classified psychological disorder too deep and complex for the majority of us to successfully manage in a relationship. It is wise to be vigilante of what we may be dealing with when confronting disturbing behaviours.
When we find ourselves moving toward the conclusion of a repeatedly pain-filled relationship with such a partner we likely don’t know how it came about. What happened to the exceptional love we thought we had shared with another? In addition, we are shocked at how a connection we felt so deeply could be so abruptly severed. Such puzzlement’s are characteristic of a Narcissist-involved breakup.
In our particular version of a roller coaster ride with a Narcissist (our Narc)
We held on tightly for dear life, not knowing whether or not we would be hurled out of our seats at any moment … our emotional and physical structures dashed to the ground. Our vulnerable cores smashed into nearly unrecognizable pieces as our Narc kept us on the edge of our seats while s/he was at the controls of the scenes, the thrills and the chills.
Initially our emotions were ecstatically driven upward, driven up to the peaks of orgasmic rushes. In anticipation of reaching mutual joy and commitment, we reveled in being pursued. And very much looked forward to consummation in the relationship we had always dreamed of. However, those exhilarating occasions became less frequent as our Narc entered into the customary devaluation stage of the relationship… pretend to idealize, then devalue and then discard. Repeat, repeat, repeat. The Narcissist pattern.
Up to that point, thrilled and mesmerized by the seemingly endless and, oh, so thrilling steep inclines we never looked too far beyond our seats … maybe secretly fearing that what we might experience ahead would cause us to plummet to the ground. What we endured because we could not anticipate! Were we right to make excuses for the narcissistic bad behaviours which made us (and others) targets for lash out and deception; for manipulation during and after the frightening, sudden, and disturbing steep declines? We labored more to please and to earn approval which was, in tandem, increasingly withheld. Our Narc had us totally entangled in the classic exhilarating web of rising to the heights followed by cycles of release and fall, followed by still other rises. Each time our hopes soaringly renewed and painfully dashed.
Ultimately, we did plunge to the ground …
The inevitable outcome of the narcissistic game Narcs inflict upon their victims. Anyone who has lived a relationship with a Narc knows well this roller coaster ride. It is a pattern repeated with a series of victims. The joys, confusion and suffering of the latter are a Narcissist’s fuel-source.
The time comes when we must pull away for our very survival.
Escape from our roller coaster ride in some semblance of one piece, emotional and physical selves at a tipping point. Because Narcissists definitively emotionally abuse their victims and can be physically abusive as well, most often we are left with our self-esteem in shreds. We are totally confused as to what happened, what we must have done wrong, and why our hearts and guts felt so mutilated. Much, much time would be needed to recover, to put our pieces back together again, before we attempt another relationship.
The new danger here is that we might seek a relationship too soon in the aftermath of our devastation. With hope for personal re-affirmation, let us not seek or fall victim to the appeal of dramatic enchantment, of ascension to dizzying heights and the multiple successive thrills of another roller coaster ride with a yet another Narcissist. Better to look for a partner who will ride with us in stable and mutual commitment.
“I have a question for you but when I ask it you can never tell a soul.” He whispered quietly across the table.
“Okay!?” Confused and intrigued.
“I don’t think you can handle it though.” He said sitting back upright, with an air of cockiness.
“I’m a big girl I can handle it.” I replied, still confused to why I couldn’t handle a question at a job interview.
“Are we going to go upstairs to one of the bedrooms and take this to the next level?”
Hold on. Did this just happen? Yes. Yes it did. And he is sitting there with a huge grin. Looking very proud of himself and his power. Wowzer.
In 2016 is this is still happening?
The narrow mindless of some men that a woman is only good on her back and not for her professionalism, intelligent and wit. Or is it a man with the power thinking it is expectable to put pressure upon another human being.
All for a job.
A job that is not guaranteed post deed, but will ‘help the discussion making process’.
In 1928 women won the vote, allowing our voices to be heard about crucial issues involving the country and our futures. But in 2016 our CV’s still aren’t worth the Paperchase paper they are printed on.
“It’s not how far women have come and how far we have to go. It’s how far men still have to go.”
I discuss with some work colleagues about how far women have come and still how far we have to go. One colleague speaks up looking at what I said from an angle I had not even thought of. She completed nailed it. Unlike the interviewer, who tried to nail me.
We have come so far, and day-by-day we are continuing the movement of equality that began years before this generation of women were even born. But men, some men, need to begin taking the steps forward and stop living in 1927.
In the morning of an important job interview. A career-changing interview. A interview for my ultimate dream job. I practice introducing myself. Strong, confidant not too forceful. I go over possible interview questions that might arise. Answering out loud in the bathroom with answers that showcase my ability and personality, proving I am the perfect candidate for the job. I plan my outfit. A smart casual dress with shoes with a slight heel but comfortable. Decide the correct amount of make-up to be worn. Avoiding a smoky eye for the breakfast meeting. Drink a large mug of green tea to calm the butterflies in my belly. Check the TFL app for delays. Pack a condom in my bag along with my CV. Oh, wait, no I don’t. Purely because I have never considered and will never consider banging a possible future boss for a job.
No job beats my self worth.
No man beats my standards and me.
As I am sure you are aware I declined the sex. And was declined the job.
After a few days of feeling depressed that this world is so backwards still, in some aspects I reevaluate what I want in my life and career. Maybe the route I was going down isn’t for my vagina and me. But this is not the only route or path to take. There are options, there are always options. As the sexist blues begin to disappear the paths becoming clearer and new options begin to become clearer to me. These options allow my legs to stay firmly shut and my CV and my well-practiced interview answers to speak for themselves.
I have firmly decided I am not that single girl that has to sleep her way to the top.
It’s finally happened for you! After countless “swipe rights” and endless coffee dates you’ve finally found “your person”. The person you believe to be the missing lid to your pot. Your masterpiece! You’ve been single and independent for so long that you’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be in a real romantic relationship. Please do yourself a favor and don’t ruin it! If you don’t want to keep this new flame going here are three easy steps on how to ruin it.
Involve every single person you know in your relationship. Sure go ahead and tell your Mother, your best friend who you rarely speak to (but gave the title to years ago), your co-workers, and finally your caring yet oh-so nosy neighbor. Involve everyone in your fabulous date details, your relationship disagreements, and let’s not forget your amazing energizer bunny sex life. Stop right there! By giving outsiders a front row seat into your relationship you’re setting yourself up for what would be known as a disaster. Not every detail should be discussed. Your private matters and battles you should be fought together to strengthen your bond. Plus not everyone will be thrilled about your new relationship and their poisonous advice could ruin your happiness.
Don’t be considerate! Your world is and will always be the focus. Your time, your goals, and whatever else it is you feel that’s more important than sharing in your partner’s life as well. Don’t think about their time, schedule, or life! In your new relationship you’re the only one that matters. Try going this route and you’ll find yourself exactly where you started. Back on a dating app!
Act way too cool! Yap you’ve got it! Keep your Facebook status to single, don’t post any of their pictures, and act like you’re still dating multiple people. It’s ok if you’re not because you still need to act cool, so you don’t appear like you’re actually falling for this person. Don’t answer their text messages right away even if your phone is glued to your hand as always. Please don’t answer their call either! Acting way too cool, like this person actually doesn’t matter to you will eventually have them thinking they don’t! Soon it will be goodbye you! Guess what? You can be cool all by yourself again!
Your assignment will be to do the complete opposite to keep your new relationship alive. Now that you know how to ruin a perfectly good relationship in three easy steps please avoid these mishaps! Try keeping your relationship to yourself for a change, be considerate, and don’t act too cool! You deserve an amazing relationship!
Here is something that is not only important but consequential because their reaction is unknown territory. Now what I’m about to say is directed to all you selfish lovers out there, and that’s to knock it off! Selfish lovers are painfully ignorant to others not just sexually but in life over all. What I have noticed are that those who are selfish know they are, and don’t care. However, if you have a selfish lover on your hands tell them because it is possible that they are unaware. Once that confirmation is brought to fruition make sure you work towards your lover’s needs as much as your own. Sex is not a toy for you to use just to get your rocks off. This selfishness is concerning because this shows a behavioral pattern that is purely one sided. With no care or concern for others makes it difficult to further and construct a healthy relationship. Selfish lovers have no connection to the relationship but instead their own physical needs. This makes it difficult for them to not just connect with you, but to anticipate your needs. If you are involved in a relationship with a selfish lover it’s best to talk to them and nip that in the butt! They don’t know they are being selfish, because they can’t see past themselves. It’s a paradoxical idea, but it’s real difficult for them to see what they’re doing and how it’s affecting you. No matter if your relationship is solely based on the physical or have a strong foundation this is not an easy topic to speak about. This is mainly because it can feel like a letdown or negatively causing the individual to become put off or even defensive.
On the other hand, if you know that you’re a selfish lover you are doing more harm than good for your relationship. If you can even say that’s what you have… You should never play with a person’s feelings because you never know how they may react. Making it difficult for them to recover and move on to a healthier more stable relationship all because of your selfishness. Before you go to bed with your significant other ask “is there anything you like that I may not be doing”? Then shut up and listen.
Be good and treat each other right!
Being married and especially for many years is not so easy thing because passion and fire it’s difficult to stay alive… Even though when you commit to one another that’s usually the intention, after a few years or even months, the “fire” sometimes dwindles and may even go out completely. You have to make many concessions and you have to be quite patient…
Here we look at just some of the secrets and relationship tips on how to keep the love and passion in a relationship alive long after the fire, for many, would have gone out:
1. Stoke the fire with some thoughtful gifts.
Don’t let the exchanging of gifts just become a birthday and Christmas routine. When you’re out shopping, keep one eye out for something he’d like and buy it on the spur of the moment. It doesn’t need to be something expensive; it really is the thought that counts.
2. Have some fun in the bedroom.
Relationship tips would be incomplete without intimacy talk. Don’t let your intimate moments get boring. Buy a book or google for some ideas. Some of the positions will give you a good laugh, at least, if nothing else!
3. Go on a date.
Don’t get stuck in the same old routine and go out on a date together now and then. Book a romantic meal for two and finish the night with some champagne in front of the fire at home. You’re never too old for a bit of old fashioned romance.
4. Focus on the things that make him great.
Things for which you first fell in love with him, so that the flavor of his socks and flatulence won’t seem so bad!
5. Make time to talk.
We all know that good communication is the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Put aside some time for talking and concentrate on what you’re talking about. It’s not just about half listening to what he has to say, while you do the chores; it’s about sitting down together, looking each other in the eyes and really discussing things.
6. Just be there for one another.
Let your partner know that, whatever happens, you’ll be there for him. Ask what you can do to make his life better today and work together to make both of your lives just that tiny little bit better each and every day.
Whether you are a romantic nature planning a vacation or a newly married couple deciding where to spend a honeymoon, you must be browsing the Internet and collecting different booklets in searches of a romantic destination. To facilitate your searches, bridesdating.com offers you a list of the cities with the most romantic atmosphere.
Seville embodies all the amenities of Spain. This city is very cozy: it’s large enough but not overcrowded. Walk down the orange tree lined trees; get lost in the winding streets and discover secret corners of the city; contemplate Moorish architecture of the Plaza de Espana, see a bull fight in the Plaza de Toros. Eat at a local tapa bar after a long walk.
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Seeking romance, fine dining, and the charm of a bustling city? You will find them all in Buenos Aires. “Paris of South America”, as it’s often called, Buenos Aires attracts honeymooners from all over the world. A number one thing to do here is to watch a tango show and it’s a must. This is the city where you’ll find what to do at any time of the day. Feel the Latin warmth, contemplate splendid architecture, take a stroll in the parks during the day and plunge into a sultry atmosphere of the nightlife.
Lisbon is the city of contrasts where each couple will find something up to them. Be prepared to walk a lot since the city is full of hills and steps. But the incredible views from those hills are worth your short breath. Picturesque streets, tiled facades, pastel-colored buildings make Lisbon one of the most scenic cities in the world.
Quebec City, Canada
Looking for a winter romantic getaway? Quebec City, the crown jewel of French Canada, is waiting for you. You will never forget your vacation spent in this snow-covered city. The 18th-century stone fortification surrounding the city creates an intimate ambiance.
Prague, Czech Republic
This city of the thousand spires, which is a nickname for Prague, lures a lot of romantic natures. You’ll fall in love with the city’s fairytale landscapes, grand historical monuments, romantic streets, cobbled streets, and stunning views on the spires of old buildings from the bridges that cross the Vltava River.
Dine at one of Sydney’s harbourside restaurants or cafés and watch the sun set over Sydney Harbour. Explore the night sky together with your partner at the Sydney Observatory. Enjoy the best sunset view on top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Chiang Mai is the Thai capital of romance. This ancient city is as if created for honeymooners. Take a cruise on the Mae Ping River and enjoy the scenery of Chiang Mai province. The moated old part of the city is full ancient temples. Some of them were built 700 years ago. One of the oldest and most important is the Doi Suthep Temple situated on top of the tallest in Thailand Doi Suthep Mountain. The view from there is breathtaking. Enjoy a romantic picnic near the Mae Sa Waterfall.
You are the guy who can’t be romantic? Men aren’t supposed to like romance, right? Well, that’s the theory, anyway!
You can’t express easily romance and sensitive feelings to your girlfriend? Understand what romance means and why it is important and learn what romantic aspects there are to your own character. No one has a heart made of stone, however tough their exterior.
If you don’t consider yourself romantic then you are wrong. I don’t know of anyone on this planet who doesn’t have the ability to fall in love. Therefore if you can fall in love, you can be romantic too. Romance is not in the grand gestures, it is in the small details.
Women will often say that it is the small things that matter. The small gestures but it is down to both men and women to start being romantic. It is a two-way process and both parties get an immense amount of pleasure from showing they care about someone. Yes we would all love to have a romantic picnic on a deserted Caribbean beach with the person of our dreams but romance begins closer to home with tips such as these:
- The key to being romantic is thoughtfulness. So start being a little less thoughtless and selfish.
- Communicate with your partner on every level and anticipate their desires and needs.
- Look at your partner when they are talking and hold their gaze.
- Learn that mood, location, situation and ambience can heighten romance with dramatic effect.
- Phone just to say hello, I love you and surprise your partner.
- Learn to say, I love you and mean it. Don’t say it ever, if you don’t mean it.
- Send them notes and small cards telling them you are thinking of them.
- Think creatively and plan a surprise weekend away.
- Put your partner first, particularly as a surprise with a spontaneous trip away.
Our Changing Attitudes to Sex
As we’ve grown more comfortable using sex toys, many more unusual toys have been introduced to the market.
It’s no secret that we’re a nation who love sex toys. They’ve become part of many people’s sex life and play a part in both foreplay and the main event. So it’s only natural that sex toys themselves have been changing during recent years. We’ve come a long way from basic vibrators – now there’s a toy for almost anything. With toys having all kinds of bells and whistles and coming in all sorts of shapes and sizes, there’s never been a better time to add to your collection.
Where it began
Even ten years ago, we were far less open about using sex toys than we are now. Shows like Sex and the City (remember Charlotte and her Rabbit?!) changed people’s ideas about sex, and taught them that it didn’t need to be banished to the bedroom – it could be part of a bigger conversation. So as couples and singletons alike became more comfortable using toys, the choice on offer grew. However, SATC wasn’t the biggest sexual cultural awakening. No, that one came a little bit later on…
The Fifty Shades effect
There’s no denying that Fifty Shades of Grey totally changed our attitude to sex toys. Suddenly, we weren’t just thinking about using a vibrator for foreplay and leaving it there. No, that wasn’t enough! As we read all about Anastasia and Christian’s exploits in the bedroom, it became clear that the more toys the better! Nipple clamps, Ben Wa balls and even butt plugs were on the shopping lists of women all over the world. They were keen to try out everything that they’d read about in the book with their own partners – and boy, did they! We were all having more sex than ever, and this time, the toys weren’t just a supporting act. They were part of the main show.
We’ve become more adventurous
So how has this influenced the rise of unusual sex toys? Well, we’ve become a lot braver when it comes to buying toys. Thanks to having our eyes opened by books and television, we’re much more open to trying something new. Considering that most people own sex toys, that means taking things up a level and trying something a little more unorthodox. Also, more women are blogging sex toy reviews, which means everybody else can make a more informed decision before buying – a sexy toy is obviously not something that can be returned if you change your mind!
The development of these toys
Most unusual sex toys have developed from something far tamer. For example, most vibrators take inspiration from the Rabbit – think dual clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Now though, they’re hands free, waterproof and decked out with ridges and spines to increase sensation even further. There are even some clitoral vibrators out there that can be worn over your underwear. So you don’t even need to get your clothes off to get your rocks off! Add to the mix anal toys and cock rings, and there’s no part of our bodies that can’t be pleasured.
What will you buy next?
So have you eschewed your bullet for something a little more advanced? If you have, you’re certainly in good company. More and more of us are adding something weird and wonderful to our sex toy collections. If you’re tempted to do so, then there’s plenty of choice out there. Just think about what you’d like a toy to do for you and you’ll be sure to find something that’s a little out-there to scratch that itch.