It’s been almost 2 months since I wrote anything here. It might actually be more than that. Naturally, I apologise to my readers for that. That said, let me start by saying this: I am an Empath and naturally, I am a listener. I don’t whine, I don’t let people feel sorry for me. I do the listening and feel sorry for people. As a writer and a sociologist it’s easier for me to keep my shit together no matter what. Yet, 2015 had other plans for me.
So, here’s my 2015.
In 2015, my hands froze, my heart froze and my conscience melted beyond repair. When the year started, I was looking forward to doing great things. I was hoping to finally write for an online site. That one, I achieved. I was hoping to start dating as well. I was hoping to get my life in order while having fun doing it. After all, 23 is the age to have fun, explore and let loose. At 23, things didn’t quite go as I expected this year. I got pregnant unplanned and it freaked me out. Then I lost the baby, the man, my dignity and finally my mind. That wasn’t all. I almost gave up college on my last semester. Unless that wasn’t enough, I lost a close friend. She passed on unexpectedly leaving a beautiful baby behind and I wished I could trade places with her in a heartbeat. She would get to be with her baby and I’ll get to just see mine even if it’s a glimpse. Everything went dark after that.
Then I lost my sense of humour and my will to fight. I began drinking a lot, I became a chain smoker as well and tried a few drugs. So, I psychologically put school on hold until I got everything to perspective. It didn’t last though. This was my last year, I had to keep up. So, I kept going to classes. I only attended classes to keep myself busy. My head was always spinning. Funny how I can’t believe I completed my undergrad and with good grades for that matter.
[Tweet “My Hands Froze, My Heart Froze And My Conscience Melted Beyond Repair @indecent_mom”]
After all that happened, I stopped loving myself. Then I started pushing anyone new away. It’s been a while since I met someone that made me feel sane. I met a guy once and I knew from the word go, he was the worst person in my life at that moment. I would hurt him. He made me laugh too much I started doubting myself. Well, as expected, I ran as fast as I could. Scared him first to make sure he never tries to make things work with me. Looking back, I made the right choice. Hurting anyone should never be an option.
I don’t know why I missed writing everyday and never did it. As a revolutionary feminist, I always voice for empowerment but I had no will power to voice for myself. I tried so hard being other people and blending in. Then I got cyber bullied by a couple of elderly woman online by calling me a man because of my short hair. That’s when I got the wake up call that this was going to be my life if I didn’t stand up for myself.
So, I started doing me, giving back to the community, going out and genuinely having fun, made new friends and even came up with a thesis that was accepted unchallenged by my professor but I hadn’t forgiven myself. Then I finally made the big step and forgave myself first. Then forgave everyone else. So 2015 wasn’t that bad as I hoped. I got life lessons I didn’t sign up for and got experiences I’ll forever cherish. How was your 2015?