Breaking up is painful and can leave people feeling anxious and confused about what is happening unless you are honest and communicate the message clearly. How many of us go about it the wrong way, in the mistaken hope we won’t hurt the other person’s feelings? You’re finishing with them so of course you’re hurting their feelings!
Things not to do when you break up with someone:
1. Don’t ignore when they call or message you. This leaves them feeling angry and frustrated and essentially it’s cruel, and won’t make the problem go away but will exacerbate it.
2. Don’t make excuses not to see them. Your partner may be imaging all sorts of things that you are up to, and may follow you or confront you when you’re either alone or with others. This can be potentially dangerous if your partner is angry and upset and you are alone—or very embarrassing if you are part of a group!
3. Don’t be disinterested when you are with them, and hope they get the message. Haven’t you hung on in there before, in the hope a relationship will improve? If so, why shouldn’t they? When this happens, you both just have a bad time.
If you’ve really had enough of your relationship and want out, then you need to be honest, but in a good way. You don’t want to leave your partner, the person you felt you loved for a while and had good times with, feeling dejected and rejected anymore than they will be already.
Here are 7 Easy Tips that can Become Part of your Break up Plan
1. Be honest with yourself. What are the reasons you want to move on? Have you met someone else? Don’t you fancy your partner anymore and don’t you want to try? Are you bored with what you do together? Is this really the end or just a wake-up call for you both? Have you said you want to finish before, not really meant it, but wanted to shock your partner in order to get them to try harder at the relationship and spice it up a little? If you are bored with your time together that doesn’t necessarily mean you are bored with the person. You may just need to talk about things getting stale and begin to plan your dates, as you did at the beginning of your relationship.
2. Plan where and when you are going to talk to your partner about breaking up. Make it somewhere fairly private and quiet when you can talk uninterrupted, but also make sure someone knows where you are going and how long you plan to stay there. You can always get someone to ring you after a set period of time, which gives you an excuse to leave. If you are anxious how the other person will respond, have the conversation in a coffee shop, pub or park where you can still have some privacy, but other people are around if you need them. It will remind you both to keep your emotions in check.
[Tweet “Never regret. If it’s good it’s wonderful. If it’s bad it’s experience #Breakup”]
3. Be honest with them about the reason for the split. Choose your words carefully though, as you do want to leave on amicable terms, as they may still remain part of your social circle. So it’s not “you’re boring because you don’t want to do anything”, but maybe “we like doing different things”, “You want to relax and stay in at the weekends, whilst I want to do activities with friends”. Point out the differences in behaviours, rather than attack their personality, dress style or looks.
4. Leave silence for them to take on board the impact of what you’ve said and time to think about how they feel. This may be the time to go to the loo or order more drinks, as it stops you jumping in and interrupting their thought process.
5. Acknowledge how you both feel, but not in too much depth or for too long. Remember you are finishing the relationship and not giving them a wake-up call. It may be that you calmly accept the blame (which will inevitably be thrown at you) by saying, “I understand you are angry with me and I’m sorry”. If you repeat this like a broken record, there is little for the other person to argue with.
6. Don’t rise to the bait of countering their arguments or nasty comments with one of your own. This just turns into a slanging match, which gets heated and ends with one of you saying something awful and storming out. Friends will take sides and this nail in the coffin comment may mean that people don’t remain on your side.
7. If you can, decide if and how you will see each other again in the future. If you are part of the same social circle, this could be awkward, but if neither or you wants to drop out of the group, it’s necessary to discuss what’s going to happen.
This is a difficult time for you, but take the bull by the horns and manage the break up maturely. Relationships break down at any age and between any type of couple. I’ve used a feedback model called BIFF, to help you manage this situation assertively to handle all sorts of situations including being stood up.