I’m single at the moment, so naturally I spend a little bit of time online dating. It is my very last choice as far as a method of meeting men goes – but alas I’m down with swiping five minutes a day for cardio. A girl’s gotta stay fit, right?
I dated in my early twenties. I spent several years out of the game (got married) then came out of retirement in my mid-thirties. Now I’m 40-something. God bless good genes and my Tinder cardio, I still look 30. Yay me!
Naturally I thought I would slay it on Tinder. I’m above average looking, smart, can spell and have all my teeth. I figured that it had to be leaps and bounds better and far more efficient than POF or Match. Swipe left or right and the magic happens. Well, let’s just say that if I was a girl of extremely low self-esteem, I probably would have slit my wrists by now from rejection and no one actually speaking to me. I still have my teeth, but my ego definitely sustained a small blow.
I already had lowered expectations and now that they were even lower, I decided to go into observation mode and do what I do best—people watch and find the flaws in the “system”. Now Tinder was for entertainment and in the name of dating coach research.
Here is what I learned by spying with my grow-up eye:
Problem 1 –
It is by far THE dating app if you are in the top 10% of lazy ass people. You don’t even need a photo let alone a sentence about yourself. Hence I think you’re hideous and can’t spell. Swipe left.
Problem 2 –
It has built in staking methods. You can see Instagram posts if yours is connected. Shit, now he knows your deepest fears and secret love of Marilyn Monroe memes. He thinks you are crazy. Swipe left. He also knows if you share interests and friends on facebook. Double shit, he can ask questions about you. Swipe left–with the caveat being he will try to dig up information on you.
Problem 3 –
God forbid you accidentally swipe left and change your mind. It will cost you $20.00 a month to be even further disappointed when he doesn’t like you back. Swipe right fail. Dear Tinder Gods, you need a pause button.
[Tweet “I’m down with swiping 5 mins a day for cardio. A girl’s gotta stay fit, right? #tinder”]Problem 4 –
I have no idea what the hell he wants, even if he does like me back. How tall is he? Is he obese? Does he have kids or want more? Does he know how to cook, because after all of my cardio I am starving and need sustenance over here?! Swipe left.
Problem 5 –
Bud Light ads! Really Tinder?! So are we just catering to frat boys and party girls? How about something for the grown-ups: perhaps a couple’s massage or a discount at Lover’s Lane. I’m getting horny from the lack of follow through and my vibrator could use replacing. Swipe left and rolls eyes at the loudness of the ad. P.S. sometimes it actually startles me. You should do something about that, Tinder.
Problem 6 –
You don’t listen to my needs, oh mighty Tinder shuffler. I said that I wanted to meet men between 35 and 47. So why are you throwing 20 year olds in the mix? If cougar was an option, I wasn’t aware. Thanks but no thanks; I already went through that phase. Swipe left with prejudice!
Problem 7 –
Moments–WTF?! Is that not why someone should upload actual photos of themselves? Otherwise, moments just look like that annoying Facebook friend that posts about their every move. And by the way, you already have the Instagram option. I can see what they had for breakfast over there. Thanks anyway, jerks!
I’m not mad at ya though, Tinder. You’re making a buck and the Millennials are spreading HPV, so win-win right?! Don’t you worry about us grown ass people, with disposable income and real intentions. It’s cool–I’ll just date the old-fashioned way, through my village’s matchmaker or an arranged marriage. By the way, where should I send your invite and do you want chicken or steak? No, you can’t bring a plus one. We’re not that cool.