The SW Experts | Advice For Dating After a Divorce
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Advice For Dating After a Divorce

Advice for dating after a divorce

Have you been through a divorce and/or out of a long term relationship? Should you date or wait? For a lot of people in these situations it can be pretty intimidating, especially if it has been years. For some it has been 10yrs ­ 30+yrs since dating was even a thought and with online dating being one of the biggest ways to meet a potential partner, trust me you are not alone in this brand new territory!

Here are some things you may want to consider as you transition into the dating scene.

Be honest with yourself in what you want. You will need to figure out how you are going to navigate through this whole process.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself as you jump into the dating pool…online or otherwise:

What do I want?

● Do you want to date multiple people casually?

● Friends with benefits?

● A serious relationship? Does this mean you date one person at a time to see where it goes or ???

I am going to digress here a bit as I feel this is an important point to make. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I on a re­bound?

If you are, and you are just looking for a hook up, be careful if that is what is happening. People can get caught up in this whole re­bound phase and usually does not end on a happy note. Self esteem and self worth can take a hit. Not saying it will, but many times it does.

How do I feel about myself when I don’t have someone in my life?

If you feel you are not complete or that you are not of worth, of value, lovable etc. unless someone wants to be with you, in whatever context, then you probably need to do away with dating for awhile and work on yourself.

Unless you can be happy on your own and love yourself and all that you are, then there is no point in going into a relationship casual or otherwise, because in the end you still will not truly like who you are. All you end up doing is shifting this power of self love and worth over to someone else. They now hold that power and control over you and how you feel about yourself. Reverse that role for a moment. Do you really want to be control of someone’s feeling of self love and/or self worth etc? There is a different between enriching someone’s life and being in control of how they feel about themselves. Get happy with yourself first and then go out there and share that with others, so you can enrich their lives and they can do the same for you.

Digress over 😉

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Sex it up… Responsibly

Now, if you want to go out there and sex it up, like Samantha on Sex in the City, then go for it. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s your choice. Just be responsible about it. I would also recommend that if you live in a smaller community where everyone knows everyone, then maybe it is best to not play in your own sandbox, if you get what I mean. This could turn badly if you are ever wanting to get into a relationship and people like to gossip about others and their extracurricular activities. It’s not anyone’s business what you are doing, but unfortunately people talk.

If you are looking for a Friends­With­Benefits, then just be clear that this is what you are in it for. Not a relationship. Be really sure that you can mentally and emotionally be ok with this. This is strictly a reliable hook up if it’s convenient for both parties. It’s not about emotions, so if you start to get upset because they are not there for you in other ways, then you need to re­consider what you want.

Looking for ‘the one’?

Do you want to find that special someone to have a serious relationship with and you feel you are ready for that, then make sure when setting up your profile on an online dating site you don’t put what you think others want to see in order to draw more traffic to you. The worst thing you can do is say you are looking for one thing and really underneath want something else. It makes pulling out the weeds a lot more time consuming. Your time is valuable.

Remember you don’t have to engage with and meet every person that tries to interact with you. Do your research. If their profile doesn’t say or indicate the same outcome as what you are looking for then move on and don’t feel bad about it. Don’t go into the mindset of “well they might….” or “they could be….” or whatever excuse you can make for yourself. You’ll end up wondering why you’re not meeting your match.

Know what you want

In the end when you keep grabbing for attention this way, it comes across as desperate and honestly that is not attractive. You are also sending the message to not only others, but to yourself that you don’t like who you are. If you did, you wouldn’t need to hide who you are, what your intentions are, or engage with those who don’t even have the same goal. Wouldn’t it be better to try and engage with those that you honestly think could be potential partners. Don’t waste your time or theirs. You don’t owe anyone anything, just as they owe you nothing. Just be polite, bid your farewells and move on.

Please make sure when you are jumping into the dating pool that you are doing this for YOU and that you are ready. Don’t do it because friends or other outside influences are pressuring you into doing it. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Period. However you can ask yourself if you are really not ready or is it fear holding you back. If you do want to start dating, but are just fearful of the whole process then go for it! How will you know what lays ahead if it don’t take the chance?! Take your time and go slow. It’s not a race. Enjoy the process and accept you’ll hit some bumps in the road, but that’s how life and dating goes.

Live, learn, grow…and date 😉