First dates can be excruciating. Especially when you’re in your thirties and going about it online. Unfortunately, we are at the age where we don’t really have the time to learn about each other through the process of having fun (like the old days). This makes the first date kind of like a fact finding mission.
For me, it’s like torture. I feel like first dates are a cross between a job interview, college application and Chinese water torture. And within a few minutes, the deal breaker question could be asked, leaving both parties muscling through a fruitless experience.
[Tweet “First dates are a cross between a job interview, college application and Chinese water torture #firstdate”]
I simply believe that having fun and getting to know each other’s passions is more important than verbalizing our LinkedIn profiles. So instead of “yea… let’s split the check” being the statement of closure, how about a pre-date screening? I’ve developed an “Application To Date CJ Westyn”. Its purpose is twofold:
1. To get the “deal breaker questions” out of the way before any time and money are spent.
2. To simply bring attention to the fact that humanity has been stripped from first dates.
Here are some excerpts from the “Application To Date CJ Westyn”:
Date of Birth:
Social Security Number:
Mother’s Maiden Name:
Please Describe Job Duties In Detail:
Please List Any Other Revenue Streams:
Please describe in extreme detail any gaps in employment:
Do you eat to live or live to eat? (Answering “eat to live” will not necessarily disqualify you from the opportunity to date me).
Do you have or want children? (Answering yes will disqualify you from the opportunity to date me.)
Are you in search of a “serious relationship” in the traditional sense of the term (e.g. House, stable job, kids, white picket fence)? (Answering yes will disqualify you from the opportunity to date me).
Do you assign negative value judgment to “hook-ups” or “one night stands” (answering yes will not necessarily disqualify you from the opportunity to “date” me).
Do you understand the difference between the words “literally” and “figuratively”?
Do you believe the contemporary use of the word “literally” so as to add emphasis should be officially added to dictionaries?
Do you use the word “literally” to add emphasis? (e.g. “We literally had a blast at the wedding.”) (Answering yes will disqualify you from the opportunity to date me.)
Do you agree with Justice Scalia’s dissenting opinion in Texas vs. Johnson 491 U.S. 397 (1989)? (Agreeing with Justice Scalia on any issue will disqualify you from the opportunity to date me and will make you an arch enemy.)
1. In no less than 1000 words, argue both for and against the concept of “commitment” as pertaining to romantic relationships.
2. Although slavery has been abolished and deemed morally objectionable, in no less than 500 words, compose an argument from the perspective of a Southern gentlemen owning a plantation in the pre-Civil War era.
3. Briefly explain what you would do in the case of the following ethical dilemma.
A trolley is running out of control down a track. In its path are five successful Tinder daters who have been tied to the track by a disgruntled Tinder dater. Fortunately, you could flip a switch, which will lead the trolley down a different track to safety. Unfortunately, I am tied to that track. Should you flip the switch or do nothing?
So far the results have been great! Although it hasn’t yielded a date with anyone, I’ve eliminated a lot of leads that would otherwise have taken precious time and money. I’ve given people an opportunity to expand their profile descriptions and if someone actually fills out the application to my satisfaction, then I’ve really found “THE ONE”. And hopefully, someone, somewhere out there will “get” the sterile nature of a first date in the 21st Century.
If you would like to receive the entire application to date CJ Westyn, please inquire on my website.