I am writing in frustration due to the dating scenarios I have experienced this past year. First of all before I sound like some kind of high maintenance woman, I am very self sufficient and independent. I don’t need a man but I want a man to share my life with on all levels.
I am open to meeting men of all types but it seems I keep attracting the same guys with similar attitudes! I am friendly, have a great sense of humor; I am very outgoing and have no trouble holding an intelligent conversation. I am told I am very attractive and look younger than my 33 years. I have a job I love and make a very good salary. The problem I often encounter on the first few dates is with men bluntly pointing out who they think I am as a person. They try to squash my accomplishments or make sarcastic comments about how I am probably a “ball buster” and like to control men! Seriously who says crap like that? I am nothing but polite and receptive to these guys so why is this happening?
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I did not have a great role model as a father who was always in and out of work, angry & critical all the time. I had an OK relationship with my mother who tried to make up for some of our family drama but she was very unaffectionate & removed towards my brother and I. I was married at an early age but divorced 3 years ago due to boredom and lack of similar goals. He was also very critical of me and did not think twice about voicing his opinions constantly. It was extremely hurtful and I started to get depressed, so I finally got up the courage to leave our marriage after 8 years together. Ya, I know what took me so long…
So knowing some of my history what the heck am I doing wrong? Why are men treating me like this and how can I change it?
Thanks for your question and believe me when I say this is not the first time I have had an email like this before. So many men and women do not know how they come across when they first meet someone and what signals they may be sending out to that person across from them. Ultimately we are all in charge of who we attract into our life. Yes I am aware how much that little reminder phrase pisses us off! “Why would I deliberately try to bring someone negative into my life?” The answer to that question is very similar for everyone. It is due to a situation or hidden behavioural pattern that you are either ignoring or not aware of.
Let me tell you what I think may be the underlying issues here:
• You became independent and career driven due to watching the family dynamics at home during your childhood because you wanted to be financially secure and to stop that from happening in your own marriage. (That’s a good thing!)
• You ended up meeting and marrying a young man similar to your father because many of us choose familiar scenarios out of habit. This is very common but doesn’t always end well.
• Your success and beauty intimidates the men you are dating. These are the wrong guys for you.
• You are attracted to the same personalities every time, even though they may not all look similar. This is due to that comfort you feel in being in a familiar or “that’s all you know” scenario but it’s not working because you are “Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” (Albert Einstein’s quote is a good one to make us all think about our actions.)
• You may not feel you really deserve love in your life because you are not sure what it is! You had no affection at home and a lot of criticism. That confuses and saddens a child which makes them feel unworthy and unloved. This is a big problem and quite often causes insecurities and bad choices in their adult relationships.
The trick now is to change up what isn’t working and that means really paying attention to who you date and who you are attracting towards you. (That includes friendships too. You need to remove as much negativity as possible.) It really does pay to hire a dating coach for a short while to remove any repetitive patterns that have been not working for a long time. If there is a lot of emotional childhood pain you may need to see a family counsellor who specializes in this healing process. None of us are above receiving help from someone outside our day to day existence. Clarity can be found by allowing professional people to look into our lives in a neutral and non judgmental way that family and friends have a hard time doing.
When you are dating be careful how much information you give out too early. TMI is one of the biggest mistakes many women make on the first few dates. Leave a little mystery and make sure you like them, and they like you first before you tell them every little detail about yourself. You also may need to choose men who are on the same caliber of financial and career status so they respect your job and are not critical about your accomplishments. Some men do not like a strong independent woman because they think you don’t need them or because you have more to offer than they do! ~ but that’s not your problem to worry about, it’s their insecurity.
In other words you need to meet secure men that do not get enjoyment out of squashing who you are as a woman. You need to meet a man who loves who you are! The minute there are any negative comments on your date, that should be the last date you have with them. There should never be sarcasm or snarky comments when first meeting someone. If that is how they portray themselves, don’t try to read something else into it or make excuses for their behavior. It should be a pleasant experience not something that makes you question yourself or send you home in tears. Next!
Personally I can’t stand small talk and boring question lines. Don’t talk about your job or family life, discuss fun things and steer clear of TMI conversations. They don’t need to know you had surgery last year to remove your third nipple or that your grandfather is in jail for tax fraud. Initiating light chats with playful humor is a good way to start out. Beware of red flags or someone with a 10 page checklist. The reason people date is to eventually find a loving partner to share their life with. It doesn’t have to be difficult if you respect yourself and remove old dating patterns that aren’t working.
Wishing you love, happiness and a bright new dating life filled with wonderful men who appreciate who you are as a woman. Don’t settle for anything less.
Please keep me posted!