When it comes to sex in marriage and long-term relationships, what’s enough and what’s normal?
If you’re trying to measure a “normal” in your sex life, you’re probably frustrated. Either you feel like you’re not getting it enough or you feel like your partner is bugging you way too much for sex. Either way, it’s not ideal.
Statistically, 2-3 times a week is the average amount of time couples have sex, and many sex therapists will tell you to shoot for that frequency if you find you both can’t come to a good balance. If you and your partner have discrepancies in your libidos and cannot find satisfaction in your frequency of sex (one partner wants it more while the other wants it less), you can definitely shoot for twice a week. The number isn’t the important part though. Sure it’s the average (but is everyone being honest anyway in all these surveys we’re doing? I have to wonder.).
There really isn’t much medical data, if any, to back up that anyone needs to have sex twice a week to be normal. There is no normal. And because there is no medical reason to have sex twice a week, and there is no “normal” sex life, both partners really need to learn how to achieve a happy sex life through balance, give and take – compromise. That’s the sound advice.
Blah, blah, blah, but you’ve heard that before, and you’ve both tried talking about it already. You both end up frustrated at the end of the conversation because you can’t seem to come up with a solution. You need a plan that works not a statement that you need to achieve balance somehow. If it was that easy, you’d be doing it already!
Say you and your partner decide that you are going to have sex at least twice a week. You mark it on the calendar and stick to the schedule. What happens then? Has it solved your sexual frustrations in your relationship? Are you both happier for it? You’ll find that in most cases, you’re not. Why?
Because you’re doing it wrong.
Not the actual sex act itself. I can’t speak for that. The sex doesn’t matter so much anyway. It’s the learning about each other as you stick to the sex schedule that will reap you rewards. It’s what you discover about your individual sexual drives and how to share in physical intimacy that will catapult your relationship from stagnant and frustrated to satisfied. If you can focus on those relational aspects during the sex schedule, a 2 times a week sex calendar system can do wonders for your marriage. I’ll show you how, but first you may wonder, why suggest 2? Why not 3? Or 5 for that matter?
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Shooting for sex twice a week is a good starting point because it’s manageable (not too often for the infrequent partner and not too sparse for the partner who desires sex more often). If both of you agree that it’s physically possible in your lifestyle, start there. This doesn’t mean that you will suddenly become happy just by having sex twice a week just because statistically, most “happy” couples have sex 2-3 times a week. After all, in successful relationships, it’s the happiness that leads to sex rather than the other way around. So the schedule by itself won’t work. Simply having sex twice a week won’t accomplish happiness or long-term balance in your sex life; you have to talk about sex during this twice a week schedule, and then you’ll flourish…if you do it right.
- Schedule sex twice a week (or a number you both agree to meet)
- Stick to the schedule no matter what
- Talk about how you feel after having sex – where you completely not in the mood before and then you got into it later? Where you excited to have sex and then disappointed when your partner groaned, “Ugh, okay, let’s get it over with.”
- Listen to one another without giving a response (no matter how difficult that might be)
- Next time you have sex, have the same talk again, AND this time, you can respond to what your partner said to you the PREVIOUS time you had sex – “I was really hurt that you weren’t in the mood to have sex when you told me that, but I understood your reasoning when you kept talking. Here’s where I need more clarification though…”
- Keep the schedule for one month
- After the month has ended, talk about what you both learned about yourselves, your partner, and your sex life in general
- Set up new schedule for next month (could be the same or different)
- Keep it going month to month
- Keep talking with respect, love, and an open mind.
At the end of this 10 step process, you should learn a great deal about yourself and your partner. You’ll both learn why you have an imbalance and how to fix it. You’ll also be well on your way to creating your new “normal.”
If you need more help in this area or any other problem area in your marriage, don’t hesitate. Get help now. If you CLICK ON THIS LINK, there is free step-by-step help provided for you. Get the FREE short videos now…why wait for it to get any worse?