If you are a hardcore bad boy lover you might not be especially looking forward to Valentine’s day because this, along with Christmas, your birthday and any other day that requires any kind of ‘showing up’ is just an opportunity for the bad boy to reveal his ugly side. The twinkly eyed, handsome devil might well sweep you away unexpectedly on a Tuesday afternoon in between bending your best friend over the sofa and happy hour at his local pulling joint. But, he is not renowned for the kind of lasting romance and deep connection that can only be had from a nice guy. Playing with bad boys is a losing game and if it’s got you stuck in a loop then please read on.
If the idea of a nice guy still makes you retch and you are quite happy to watch your flat mate getting her flower deliveries and meaningful declarations without so much as a dent in your armor then congratulations. You are destined for a lifetime of misery, of being trapped in a world of watching women around you grow up, get married and fall in love while the years race by and nothing moves forwards for you because this is the terrible curse of the bad boy relationship. It goes nowhere beyond occasional sex, adrenal exhaustion and unrequited dreams.
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So, if you are one of the few wannabe reformers who really, really wants to give up bad boys why not do it as a Valentine’s day gift to yourself? Give yourself the gift of dignity and respect. Convince yourself that you deserve more by taking action. Give a nice guy a chance to shower your future with real kisses and real lasting love. Ditch the bad boy once and for all.
If you are done with waiting for your bad boy to change and you finally realize that you deserve more then here are five ways to get started in giving up bad boys.
- Accept that you are powerless and that this is like an addiction. Your bad boy is like pure cocaine and you have to put into place a zero tolerance policy. This is non-negotiable. Write down your bottom lines, these should included a strict no contact rule as well as not collapsing into the arms of a nice guy and using him to mop up the damage left behind by your bad boy. You need to face this head on.
- Get help. You can’t do this alone. Ask a friend, therapist or coach to help you to stick to your rules. No contact should include no social media stalking, no spying, texting, calling, asking friends about him, going to his work or any information gathering at all. You need to go cold turkey. If he gets in touch ignore, ignore, ignore.
- Bear in mind that he will try everything under the sun to hook you back in and it will be compelling, convincing and highly seductive. This is what he does. To every woman he meets! Don’t believe anything he says, delete texts, messages and emails before you get sucked back in.
- Let yourself feel your feelings and collapse. You will experience a withdrawal similar to coming off hard drugs. Life will feel like it is not worth living. This is temporary, however bad it feels. Look after yourself really well. Get together with friends, eat and sleep well, do yoga and get out for walks in nature. Seek help from a coach or professional.
- Write a description of your ideal man. Describe him in terms of his values, how he treats you, what he does for you as well as what he looks and feels like to be around. Make a collage of your ideal relationship and put it on your wall. Promise yourself that by next Valentines day you will have this man in your life. Put in the action to make this happen by loving yourself, living well and building the kind of life that you really want. When you feel yourself weakening and your fingers creeping into your phone book to look for that bad boys number pull out the nice guy list and see if the bad boy has anything on him. I bet he won’t.
Do these things and you will eventually find and keep the love of your life. I promise!