Recently, I had a woman come to one of my workshops and ask, “Why are all the men I meet cheaters?” I asked her, “What type of men are you are you attracted too?”
That’s when she admitted that she finds most men boring. She likes the exciting type. She said she would like someone with the excitement of Christian Grey, from Fifty Shades of Grey, the rugged brooding aloofness of Chris Hemsworth of Thor, and the fearless ruggedness of Jax Teller from Son of Anarchy.
Her descriptions and choice of men where not that surprising, many women find these men attractive and there is a good reason. The neurotransmitter of attraction is norephinephrine. When you see someone you attracted to, your body releases norepinephrine to signal the attraction. Physically this feels a lot like adrenaline. Your heart beats faster, your breathing becomes shallow and your palms begin to sweat. But because attraction can feel similar to adrenaline, which is released during an exciting or scary situation, the feeling can be misconstrued. It can produce a phenomenon called, “misattribution of arousal.” That means when you experience something nerve-racking, it can make you believe that you are aroused and attracted.
This theory was first tested in 1974 by professors Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron. The researchers had two groups of men meet a woman in the middle of a bridge and gauge his desire for her.
The first group met on a low bridge just a few feet above a shallow babbling stream. The other group meet on a long shaky suspension bridge high above a raging white water rapid framed with jagged rocks. The researchers discovered that the more nervous the men felt, the more desire he had for the woman.
[Tweet “How can you find excitment, but avoid cheaters? #dating #datingadvice “]The problem is this feeling is more about anxiety, rather than real attraction leading to love. Women that were attracted to men that provoked excitement tended to be risk-takers and adventurous. Unfortunately, these are some of the same personality traits as cheaters.
So how can you still find excitement, but avoid the cheaters? Can you get that thrill with one of those dependable and boring, “Nice guys?” Yes, simply walk out on a suspension bridge – metaphorically speaking. When you find yourself with a guy that’s nice, but is just not giving you that thrill you desire, tell him you would like to do something exciting. Tell him you’ve always wanted to try parasailing or rock climbing. Or, if you’re not up for that type of adventure, check out the latest horror movie. Then see if you can misattribute your way into a wonderful faithful relationship.