I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you but I’m not sorry it happened. I am never going to ever ask you to leave her. I am never going to ask you to come back to me either. Never did, never will. I am not going to ruin a great thing for you. I appreciate you too much to ever do that. You taught me it’s possible to go against my rules on solitude, seclusion, self love, selfishness and finally, I loved someone for the first time in my life. You made me human. A great human being at that. You made me realise that there’s more to me than just the big ass and a smart brain I had defined myself to be. You made me a perfect writer, a great woman and a strong one at that. I owe my motivation and self drive to you. You made me see the light that would make my world brighter than I thought it could be. Yet, I am not sorry that I can’t be friends with you.
I am not sorry I fell in love with you. It’s better to have been in love alone than to have never experienced this beautiful but painful journey. I want to be too selfish and make you stay with me. Make you stay next to me all the time and be the person I can always text and call when I have a crappy day or need advice from a good perspective. You were my other mind when I wasn’t thinking straight. You made me calm when I started over thinking and panicking. I want you to be the person I can always reach out to. I want you to be the person who will let me know there is someone in this disgusting horrible and intimidating world who gives a fuck about me. As much as I never showed you how much you were my world and would love to show you… I won’t do that. I can’t do that. I can’t be the same women I hope not to encounter. What I’ll ultimately do is be sad and cry about this for a while, let myself feel this pain and despair until it drains everything from my already beat up body, mind and heart and then move on.
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I would like to fight for you, ask you to take my breath away once again, change for you and surrender my ideologies and beliefs to you but I can’t do this to myself. I can’t do this to her as well. I can’t do this to the one human being I honour with all my heart… The little soul I lost. The joy I didn’t want. The joy I always wonder what it would be like if it was still around. The baby I wasn’t prepared for and therefore smiled all the way through its vanish. I remember telling you, “Everything happens for a reason.” This reason, I don’t quite wish to know.
I can’t let myself become the haunting ghost that pokes your relationship. I can’t be the woman who brings about fights in your perfectly happy relationship. From what I hear, she’s been there for you more than I’ll ever be. If there was a time machine, I’d go back to the day you met her and make sure you meet me instead. That’s the only way I’ll live my fairytale with you. That’s the only way I’ll ever make up for the love she gave you. The loves she gives you.
I want to be your friend and stay close to you. Hear your voice once in a while and warm my heart but I can’t. I can’t be friends with you because I can’t stay away from you and this hurts me. It hurts to know that you don’t think about me but it’s easy to believe it and accept it as well. So, I can’t be the selfless one. I have to be selfish when it comes to you for once. Being friends with you gives you the whole package to a perfect life. The good girlfriend in your arms every day and the ex you’re sure will always love you of she sticks around. If you ever cared… Let me move on.
Every day, I pray for 2 things. Your heart, and my heart. I always genuinely wish that you’re happy. Because you taught me true happiness. You became part of my dreams. You became my inspiration. Thank you. As I become my own person, I hope I’ll make someone else as happy as you made me.
I know I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you but I’ll never be sorry I did because you taught me that it’s possible to love someone enough to make yourself a better person because of them.