Have you ever dated a low value man? Well… I have. The one thing I am learning, low value men make it hard for you to leave. They destroy your ego and dignity until he’s all you have left. Then they leave you feeling worse about yourself every time they make you a low caliber woman. This is from experience … I miss the one person who did not only lie to me but treated me like I didn’t matter to him. I would love to be a weak woman and admit that I care about people more than they care about me but I won’t. Not today. Most women avoid being who they truly are to please a man. I do too. Especially when it doesn’t work according to plan. So, I smile with every bruise, dream with every disappointment and lift my head high to avoid confrontation.
My friends were asking me why I ‘refuse’ to move on from a low value man. In my defence, I refuse to move on because I am scared that being there is all I have left. This is probably because I lost the ability to love myself the minute I allowed myself to be defined by another individual. I know that chances of me meeting someone that makes my heart smile in this self loath condition twice are minimal. But who am kidding? Who am I hurting? Truth is… Just me.
Have you ever been in love alone? Have you ever asked the one person you love with every breath you take even after a string of lies, disrespect and finally a nasty and undeserved break up if they love you and they just fucking stared at you and said, “I don’t know.” Have you ever wished you’d be a different person because you can’t take it anymore? Have you ever listened to a lie and accepted it as a truth because enough is enough? Have you ever cried so much, it stopped hurting? Well… If you have, this post might make sense to you. This is my life and your life if you have, in a heartbeat. My journey to feminism atheism. That’s how I lost it with fate, hope, trust and faith. This is my heart out for criticism.
First of all, judge me but I must confess… I am scared of moving on because I am scared that if I do, I will lose the one person I have honestly loved for the first time in my life without any reasons or actions that have compelled me to. Countless better men would love to call me theirs but I don’t want those countless men… I want him with every breath I take. Sad reality? Never gonna happen. Most days, I think about him and hate my life. Sometimes, I smile even when I am sure I am my worst enemy. They say your first love is pretty special… My first love? Well… He was and is nothing but a liar, a cheat and a conniving man, yet I fell in love with him over and over despite confirming that every day. He was my liar, my cheater, my conniving man. With every lie, I made up some excuse for him. With every deceit, I understood his situation. After all, I was and am a girl in love.
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Don’t get me wrong. Am in this alone. Yes, he has moved on and I have forgiven him for that but will he forgive me if I do? Restless nights, angry thoughts… I have let him define my happiness. I have become a slave to someone’s else’s idea of caring and love… I have become the very women I talk to, most days on my blog and vlog. I have disregarded my ideologies. I have let myself down. I am a disgrace to my religious beliefs. I am a let down to my peers. I am a hopeless case. I have abandoned my happiness at the expense of someone else’s happiness.
Most days, I lock my thoughts away in hell and hurt like the strong woman I am. I burn inside but the heat keeps me on toes. It awakens my cravings for success and my desires to be heard. Sometimes, I set up the fireplace for my own judgement. It’s better if you see it coming… Sometimes, it’s already lit, so it hurts less. Either way, I learn how to adopt and that’s the only way I know how.
My friend asked me why I have been so quiet and withdrawn for the past 4 months and all I could honestly tell her was, “No one can understand what’s going on with me. I don’t either.” It made me sound weak, indecisive, irresponsible and pathetic. There are days that I would make fun of weak people because I never knew how it felt to walk a mile in their shoe. Then… I walked several miles in their shoes. It’s not a piece of cake. I realised I have always been humane and it makes me weak but that’s what makes me truly human. A woman with no self love, beliefs or motivation to feel better about herself.
Keywords- self love, low value man, moving on.