The SW Experts | Losing Yourself In A Relationship
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Losing Yourself In A Relationship

losing yourself in a relationship


Throughout high school, I struggled with not knowing who I was. I always had a boyfriend and yet I was never fully happy. I didn’t understand why. It wasn’t until last year that I realized what I did wrong.

I relied on my relationship to define who I was as a person.

I didn’t feel normal unless I had his ring on my finger, necklace around my neck, or his sweatshirt with his last name on my back. Relying on a relationship to define who you are as a person is not okay by any means. No one should ever feel like they can’t live their life without another person by their side.

Having someone to love is a privilege not a necessity.

I didn’t think I could go a day without feeling like I was someone’s girlfriend. Not. Okay.

The longest I was single in high school was about three months. But even in that time I was trying to get back with my high school sweetheart. I dated the next guy for three months, then was single for about a month before dating my most recent ex. After this ex and I broke up after almost three years of dating, I was single for about a month before being in the relationship I am now.

I know how that sounds, but in the last six months of my relationship with my most recent ex I realized what I had been doing for the last six years. I started to reevaluate my life. Look at where I was, how I got there, and where I was going. Unfortunately, I had no clue what I was doing with my life. I started thinking of my life as my life, not ours. I started to focus on who I was on my own and how my life fit in with his. This made it clear that it just wasn’t going to work out like he and I hoped it would.

If nothing else was a red flag, these three things were:

I was making decisions based on a relationship.

I was planning a future that I just was not cut out for. 

I was trying to change myself to fit his needs.

This issue is something I see way too often. People think their life has no purpose unless they are matched up with “Mr. Right” or the “Dream Girl.” Like, no! People, you have so much more to give this world than simply another relationship for the public to see.  

While a main goal in life is to start a family and keep the population up in this world, I refuse to believe it is the only purpose in life or for every person.

There are people in this world who are meant to do absolutely fantastic things that may require more attention than a significant other would like. That’s okay! Go out there and do what it is you are passionate about, do what makes you happy! Don’t spend all this time on trying to be the perfect partner in life when you could be making yourself happy by doing what you love! Just don’t do it.

[Tweet “Stand strong in your dreams because YOU ARE WORTH IT”]

When you start to focus on who you are and what you want in life; when you start to work on yourself and make your life into what you want it to be, that is when the right person will come along and it will all fall into place.

I say practically the same thing to every single one of my friends who get so worked up about being alone and not finding the right person. Stop it people! You can’t find that person, because you aren’t who you’re supposed to be yet. You are still learning about yourself and where you’re going to end up in life. You’re still growing and maturing.

Give it time. Time to focus on your life. Get yourself together, and realize that you are worth so much more than any of your past relationships have shown. You deserve the best, but you can’t get the best until you are the best version of yourself or at least on the right track to doing so.

Give it time! You will be okay. Even if you do end up alone, it won’t be because you aren’t worth it or you aren’t good enough. No. It’ll be because you are too busy making the world a better place with your presence in whatever field you go in to.

How to make sure you don’t lose yourself: 

When that new relationship comes along and you aren’t sure how to keep yourself present and independent, here’s what I did to keep myself in my newest relationship (almost a year now and still happily myself!).

We began knowing we both had plans for our own lives.  Make it known that you have dreams and you won’t falter from them. If this is the right person, he or she will respect that.

We talked about our goals and who we were. Include that person in on your goals, who you see yourself as, and how you want to grow as a person. If this is the right person, he or she will respect that. Maybe even help keep you accountable!

We made sure we both knew that we weren’t going to change who we were as people for the other person’s sake. This is one of the biggest mistakes people make that result in losing a sense of individual identity. Just don’t do it! Stand strong in your dreams because YOU ARE WORTH IT. Sure, little things will change as you begin a relationship and watch it grow. But the overall version of yourself should still be very clear to everyone around you and most importantly yourself.

So, just let life live the way it’s meant. Let things happen as they come. Go make yourself be happy and free before you miss an opportunity! Don’t fret over being alone right now because it could be temporary, or it could be for a reason. Okay? Okay.

Keep your chins up! Life will get better. I promise.