The SW Experts | Positive Thinking & Your Relationship
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Arguing Couple

Positive Thinking & Your Relationship

 

Positive Thinking & Your Relationship

As a Man Thinketh…                                  

We all know, or at least have heard that the power of positive thinking can make a sick person well, and cause those blues skies to turn sunny.  Well, my lovesick friends the same is true regarding your relationship with your spouse or significant other.

 

Stinking Thinking…

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. is a recognized psychologist that explains the secret to a happy relationship. One of the main pearls Dr. Bernstein has researched as a key to a happy relationship is literally having positive thoughts about your loved one.  Who knew Pharrell was onto a major game-changer in terms of relationships—just be happy.  Dr. Bernstein says that the couples he’s worked with for the past 22 years who have been able to recognize and stop what he calls Toxic Thinking, are the couples who make it. You hear that—they make it! He further explains, “…toxic thoughts such as, “You are totally selfish!” or “Everything always has to be about you!” errodes empathy and destroys love.”  This is a powerful idea!  If you’re harboring rotten thoughts about your lover, soon enough your entire relationship will stink.

 

Fight Fair…

So stop trashing your man or girl in your head.  Stop the evil eye you throw their way, which for them seems like it’s coming from left field because you haven’t expressed what’s troubling you.  Ill thoughts that are allowed to fester, creates ill feelings and animosity that breeds hateful actions. Talk about your troubles without the ego or name-calling.  Remember no one is perfect.  Everyone is doing what they can …at least in most cases.  Try to understand who your significant other really is, and talk about the problems you are having in a non-contemptuous way. This means don’t yell, curse, or berate; I’m saying cool off, maybe write down your core issues so you can have a discussion and not simply rage. To clarify again because it’s so damn difficult to do, fighting fair means no condescension, no harsh tones, rehashing resolved fights, belittling or stabbing a finger in a past hurt to illicit a reaction. Fighting fair means you explain what your significant other is doing or not doing that bothers you. Then the both of you try to come up with solutions that make the both of you happy.

[Tweet ” If you’re harboring rotten thoughts about your lover, soon enough your entire relationship will stink. #BadRelationship”]

She Really, Really Loves You…

Above all, try to accept that sweethearts shortcomings aren’t attempts to spite you or make your life a living hell pit.  The person you’re with loves you and chose you. Try to see their requests for change as a signal they want and need more emotional intimacy and not him trying to “bring you down”.  If this person is out to get you, then that’s another post, and you really should be asking yourself what satisfaction or pleasure are you deriving from dealing with constant rejection and pain?

 

A Couple…

I recently met a couple whom I’ll call Frank and Neema. They talked about this exact problem: harboring ill thoughts about the other.  They candidly explained that their first 3 years of marriage were horrible and they contemplated divorce after each year.  They shared that they loved the other passionately and had lots in common, but they couldn’t help but see the other as the enemy.  They both felt the other didn’t have their back.  Neema extrapolated that it was as if there was a sheet of film in front of Frank and everything she saw about him was filtered through this layer.  She interpreted the haze as his discontent toward her.  It was as if she couldn’t see the man she fell in love with and married.  The two admitted that they were at their wits up and the idea of a divorce wasn’t just words anymore.  Not wanting to go down the “D” route, they sought help from therapists and other older couples.  Finally, they came to the realization that their toxic thinking was causing a majority of their problems. There were other issues, of course, but they both agreed that they felt the other was being intentionally malicious, which after much soul-searching and discussion, they both came to understand that was just not the case.

 

It’s Real…

Positive thinking isn’t just an adage. It’s real, and produces real results. Each person should try having positive thoughts about their significant other and watch what happens!

 

…For more about Dr. Bernstein’s provocative ideas buy his book: Why Can’t You Read My Mind?