One of the challenges of being single in your 40s is that you aren’t young enough to date like you used to and you aren’t old enough to throw in the towel. If you think dating in your 40s is a challenge allow me to share my hurdles. I am 42, Black, single mother, non-monogamous and queer. My biggest issue these days is explaining what queer is and why it’s important for a potential date to respect that word.
In my youth
The word queer appeared often when describing homosexual men. It was never used for women and it certainly never was used in a flattering manner. I heard it most often thrown off the tongue with venom like dyke or faggot. I didn’t know 20 plus years later I would love the word, embrace the word and live the word.
My sexual identity
Has changed frequently through my life. Approximately six years ago I embraced queer in private. I watched as my fellow members of the LGBT population took back the word and its power. I stepped out of the closet waving my queer flag about two years ago. I don’t plan on changing that anytime soon.
[Tweet “Queer is about my fluidity #DatingAdvice”]
Educationally speaking queer fits.
The word queer isn’t about who I am interested in having sex with at any given moment. Queer is about my fluidity, my attraction to an individual and not a sex organ. I am queer because I am different, a little weird and able to love more than one type of individual. I can love a man or a woman. They don’t have to be born that way either, I am attracted to trans people. I am not interested in only one race unless you call that race humanity. If you really want to pique my interest present both male energy and female energy in the same person. If you show me yours I will absolutely show you mine. I am kinky. I am into S&M. I seek out power exchange relationships. Is it beginning to make sense why I have such a difficult time finding a date?
It’s been my experience
That others prefer I fit into a box they select so they can make sense of me. I enjoy ripping boxes to shreds immensely. When you’re trying to date though, and attempting to find a connection in traditional outlets, boxes seem mandatory. There is no queer box to check for online dating outlets of popularity. If one is fortunate you might get to pick bisexual. I am more than bisexual and TRYsexual isn’t an option. (yet) I am not interested in monogamy but there is not a button which states; I will date and have sex with people who aren’t you, but I truly hope to be polyamorous for the rest of my life. Oh, and while we are on the topic I am going to ask you to wear a condom for sex even if we are together for 13 years.
As I’ve aged thankfully I’ve spent more time with others who do not require me to apply a label. Those labels help others though, hence my dilemma. I need to explain to those out there who I am in a manner they can understand. Somehow I don’t think dating is going to get any simpler for me anytime soon.