Love has its dupes. As in all relationships, this is a risk. Information can help. Two powerful false games in love involve roles and rackets. It could be you playing a role, thinking you are giving or getting something, genuine, but only still trying to please your parents for some attention they never paid. It is hard to admit nothing can replace the lack of attention a parent gives. Even if they never laughed at your jokes, and you become the world’s most famous comic. It does not matter. In that area of life, they never shared your cup of tea. They were not from your comic tribe; and a huge mistake you can make is getting with someone who it means so much to you that they laugh, just as mom and dad never did, and they never do. Sense of humor is pretty tough to change or teach. Among other ingrained things.
Perhaps there is someone spinning your reality with a role?
Dad never gave them the gifts they wanted and you seem to buy them a lot. Mom never spent time with them and you shower them with affection. Still, if they are living in the mind space, the unconscious drive, that you represent something missing from their past, then they are not authentically interacting with you. They are giving you a role and want a role in return. There are many roles. You can guess them. Whenever one is engaging from a role, they are not engaging from the real self where lasting love derives. Some possible roles can play off each other in numerous combinations: hero, pleaser, rescuer, victim, revenge seeker, disappointed child, expectant parent, broken adult, addict, and the co-dependent. There is also the loveless stone; the critic, the magician (look at my tricks so we never have to feel anything) and the one healthy role both of you want to be communicating from, the mature adult who, despite any hang-ups, speaks from a genuine and direct place.
[Tweet “True intimacy gives you that warm, fuzzy and safe feeling inside #relationships”]
Rackets are similar to roles, but generally can be more destructive in the sense that the one playing the other, in their web or game, is fully aware of how they are fooling the other. This is their game. They tend to be subtle or not so subtle manipulators that at their worst can fool experts and authorities. What chance do you have then against one of their rackets?
Ones chance is to identify them. Are they needy in a manipulative or aggressive manner? Is there no give and take. Are there tons of excuses and rationalizations that all seem to come back to you having the problem and not them? Do they not have any friends or only know people in shallow ways that come and go? Is intimacy never in the cards? You know true intimacy that gives you that warm, fuzzy and safe feeling inside. Are they looking always to force you into a quick payoff for them? Do they squeeze pity out of you? Is nothing ever enough for them and most are enemies toward which they have something to prove? Do they seem like a mere actor when you get those rare glimpses of them beyond the passion, lies, schemes and razzle-dazzle with which they keep you busy? Sounds dangerous to me. Run!
Rackets play with long and short ropes.
Wow, you are impressed with how flexible they seem to be. Well that is just how they get time to do their “real thing” and let you stew in curiosity or ignorance. Meanings of things and definitions of love and emotions readily change from this type as to keep control. It is never their real feelings they are bartering with though. You play reaction and defense even if you think it has been fun and charming.
Alternatively, they could be aggressive as all heck. You think this is devoted attention to you. They want you locked in a cage and handing over the debit card at will. The smothering seems like love, but it is really control. They like to keep their “friends” close, and their enemies (You) closer. They have you cornered and they are the only guru you believe in.
Some Rackets lead to injury and yes, even death. All is fair in love and war. I do not want you in a war. I want you wise. This contrary soul maybe working out their childhood wound on you, they are mimicking authenticity since they only know surface feelings, since their own parents imprisoned the others long ago. They are the problem and do not want to solve the problem. You cannot save them. It is sad, but some of these will not find salvation in this world. Protect thyself. If they seek help when you cut the rope to their dingy at sea, fantastic. Maybe meet up with them 20 years later at someone else wedding anniversary, not yours, and say hello. On the other hand, if you must write them one letter to their prison cell for the crime that had nothing to do with you since you got out in time. Keep your own boat for a worthier crew.
This type of person’s issues are beyond you, reading stuff like this does not give you the tools to handle them. Many of the “ill-fated” have made that mistake. Yes, you can play a racket on yourself, “Why do I always meet this type of person?” Repeatedly you ask. It is because you have not chosen to work on your own inner wound and just play the game of, “On to the next inevitable mad man or screw up, that is just how life is!” No, it’s the role you are playing, from something you learned the wrong way long ago. It takes deep work to turn about that sort of ship.