A Real gift…
During this holiday season give yourself the very real gift of knowing the person that is you! This means being painfully vulnerable and asking the you, that you are right now the hard questions that deal with bitterness, resentment, pain, joy, happiness and love.
Who are you and what do you want & need?
You’ve been single for over a decade. You don’t mind it, but you’re definitely over being alone. Your male and female friends ask, “What are you looking for in a partner?” Possibly thinking to set you up, not wanting you to spend another holiday alone. Or just to be asking the question because they know that you don’t know. You role off the standard list: funny, attractive, ambitious, wealthy… you know… all of that.” It’s the same ole stuff everyone thinks they want until they get it. Not that these qualities aren’t good, but what are they coupled with? They are just a list of attributes not wants. So stop now and admit you want a partner in your life, and then–
Consider… have you ever met two personalities that are exactly alike? No one person is a duplicate of another. Sure there are similarities, but we are all uniquely and distinctly different, which means your needs and wants are going to be distinctly different. To say you want to be with someone handsome or ambitious or wealthy and all the “same stuff…” is so generic you may as well be shopping from a Sears Roebuck catalog: “10 of those, please.” People aren’t built on an assembly line. Wealthy doesn’t mean sharing or caring. Ambitious doesn’t mean loving or selfless. Specificity is the key. It’s very Mary Poppins. You talk a lot, you want someone who can keep up or who is okay with that. You have a depressive personality, you’ve been working on it, but you’re hoping your partner has enough buoyancy to not be bothered and may not mind encouraging you. You need your partner to be extra patient because you are sensitive. You need your partner to want children. You can see where this is going… if you aren’t in touch and in love with all of your fabulous idiosyncrasies and disgusting flaws, you will be hard pressed to truly give voice to what you want or need out of a potential mate.
Dating helps flesh out all of those needs and wants. Don’t hide or bury yourself out of fear or low self-esteem. Try something new, do something new, get help with a new look or getting past a traumatic childhood, throw out all your baggage and fly into dating. Have fun going out, getting dressed and being someone else. Don’t take each encounter so seriously. This is you working through what other people see and feel when they meet you versus what you want them to see or feel. Think: how do you fill the pockets of your heart and mind, and that will tell you what people feel when they are close to you. Work through those insecurities while you date to change your aura. You may think you’re projecting light and funny but you’ve spent the week being harsh and critical. Know that cloud clings to your person, and people feel it. To that end, don’t be afraid to date, date, date that’s the only way you’ll know for sure. You’re a work in progress, which literally means progressing while working—that includes dating! Laugh at the crazy, the stupid, and enjoy the normal and fun. Take notes and be diligent, you’re not dating for your health although a friend who is now in a committed relationship after decades of bad relationships and strange encounters embraced all of the above and found that dating was very helpful, even on the worst ones. So, take an ice cream break and mediate on your needs and wants.
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When you can verbalize in detail what you need and want, then you will receive that. You can’t meet a compatible partner if you’re lying to yourself about who are you. Chances are the person you meet during your lying phase, and I’m hoping it’s a short phase, will probably be the wrong person for you. On the other end of the spectrum, I’m not saying you have to be perfect, no one is, but I do think we need to do the work to know ourselves, to love ourselves and then to be ourselves. In just being who you are you will be found like the true gift that you are!