The SW Experts | To Tolerate or Not: What to put up with in relationships
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To Tolerate or Not: What to put up with in relationships



When romance is in the air, it can be so easy to gloss over inadequacies partners see in each other. All that is of importance at that time would be the reasons why they love each other, and the enjoyment of each other’s company, but it is quite ironic that the same couple who have been all shades of cuteness can turn on each other so quickly once the first flush of love burns out.

It becomes unimaginable how the person one had one thought to be so perfect and oh-so put together, could turn out to be someone else entirely. However, the truth is, there are no perfect persons; they are just people striving for perfection. If you ever find such a person daily working on being perfect, then you know you have found a home, and if you also find someone who is not yet perfect, but wants to be, then get ready for the journey, if you have found love there.

Before getting into a relationship, ladies especially count on their fingers, what they would tolerate, and what they won’t, but once they get in there, it is another ball game entirely. Some get in there, and regardless of abuse and disregard for their person, they stay put, claiming they are in love, while others are jumping all over the place, because, they cannot tolerate any contrary views. So, what should you tolerate in a relationship, and what should you shut down even before it starts. The Love Lint provides you with some answers:

Top of the list is ABUSE in any form at all; be it, physical, emotional or verbal, it is a  no-no. No one deserves to be put down, so their partner can feel good. You should never have to put up with a partner who makes you feel small or unworthy, so that they can build themselves up. You should never put up with a partner who abuses you. This is one thing no one in a relationship should tolerate at all. Partners may make frequent unfounded cheating accusations, utter cruel remarks regarding your goals and accomplishments, or try to convince you that your grievances are made-up as a result of their own inferiority complexes. Or even take out their anger on you, for a grievance you basically know nothing about. No, that’s not cool and should not be tolerated.

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The Monitoring Partners. You already know the type, they want to call you all times and the first thing they say, once you pick the call is “Where are you?” That question alone is a loaded one, it is not just asking you for your current location, it is actually saying “I hope you are where I kept you?” It is a very possessive question, which smacks of insecurity.  This type of partner also monitors your social media updates, your DP changes and anywhere else you allow them access. They are even poking their nose in the areas you don’t allow them. There have been guys who pay moles to keep tabs on their girlfriends, they call her and ask that terrible question, if she ever refuses to divulge her location or, God forbid, lies about her location, he would take great pleasure in telling her her present location, the colour of her blouse and, if care is not taken, even her underwear. In that case, a relationship no longer exists. It’s simply a prison, with a prisoner and jailer, all of them in the prison, like that Asa’s aptly titled song, Jailer.  When there is lots of monitoring on the either partners’ part in a relationship, it just shows one thing…there is no longer any trust in that relationship. If there is trust, there will be no need to carry out any interrogation or test his amateur detective skills. A partner on the receiving end of such monitoring, need not put up with it, but you can work on rebuilding trust again, if you have been the one to violate it in the first place.

Body Shaming. Another thing you need not put up with is when your partner shames you about your physical appearance; weight, body shape, facial structure, etc..  Not only is it cruel and immature, but it can also be a manipulative way to convince you that you will never be good enough for anybody else. That you can’t leave your current relationship, because no one else will ever love you. It’s a sickening method of establishing dominance and control in a relationship.  It is a terrible, terrible thing to do to another person.  You are beautiful, you are handsome, and there are lots of people who know this for a fact. Your family, your friends, your colleagues, there is someone out there who can testify to the fact that you are a really great person.  The best part is, you don’t have to stay with a person whose internal ugliness leads them to try and convince you otherwise. They are the ones with the issue, not you.

Nit-picking. While this might happen after a couple fights and someone is still nagging in a fit of anger, there is not too much of  a problem with that, but when it is a regular occurrence, and everything you do, or don’t do, is inadequate or wrong, then, there is a major problem.  As difficult as this may be for some people to believe, it’s impossible to do everything wrong. If your significant other insists that the way you clean dishes isn’t adequate, for example, he or she is the one with the problem, not you.

However, it is not all dreary; there are certain things that need to be tolerated for a working relationship.

Minor incompatibilities. Remember, you are not from the same background or orientation, thus, there are bound to be certain differences between you. As long as they do not dominate your relationship, to the extent those issues become a burden, then you should be fine. Things like the fact that your better half likes sports more than you do, such that your screen ends up tuned to the sports channel all day, is not nice but it is not necessarily something that should cause the demise of your relationship. Simply get another screen, or agree to a TV-watching schedule.

Married to a night owl?  Sorry but it’s not a deal breaker

Your spouse loses their cool easily? It is an imperfection, but it can be worked on.

You find it hard to let go of an issue? Imperfection, not a deal breaker.

The truth is, even when relationships are good, imperfections exist. Are you allowing the people in your life to be imperfect humans, or trying to whip them in line with your vision for their lives?

Imperfection is one of those realities we will never escape, not if interaction between people, couples especially, exists. If you allow it to rule your emotions, tie you in knots, then you are simply getting in your own way, not allowing yourself to enjoy the best of mankind.

That’s The Love Lint’s list of what to tolerate in a relationship, and what not to. What’s yours?