So the following is a compilation of things that would be considered RED FLAGS that I’ve learned, things I’ve been told and straight up smacks in the face I’ve experienced – not literally. But honestly, they might as well have been, yet somehow I ignored them. There are times that things couldn’t have been clearer if they had smacked me in the face, yet somehow I still managed to ignore them. They say love is blind but as my dad would say “Ray Charles could see that.”
1- He currently does not have a job or claims to be in between jobs.
You will see this pretty often unfortunately. One of the initial topics discussed is “what do you do for a living” and there have been many occasions where the guy has said “I used to do this” or “I plan on doing this”. I’m sorry but that is not a job. I do not care what you do for a living – I say that liberally but – don’t work at a strip club or be a drug dealer or something in that realm. But I’m saying if you have a job and truly work hard, I respect that, regardless of what it is.
2- He lives with his parents.
This one I have mixed feelings about. Listen, if it’s a transitional period and it’s short term, fully acceptable. I lived with my parents for three weeks after I moved out of my ex’s – transitional. If you’ve been in a transitional period for longer than a few months or never made your way out, that is totally unacceptable. I don’t care if he has six figures in the bank. Go use that money to buy a house! There is something disturbing about the guy that can’t seem to break ties with Mom. This also will tell you that this BOY is probably spoiled and if you do start something with him, he will expect you to cook, clean, do his laundry and wait on him hand and foot like his mama is obviously doing.
3- He lives with multiple guys.
I seriously never even thought twice about this being an issue. I mean I think I’d be okay living with some of my girlfriends at this point in my life. It’s a money saver. I wouldn’t LOVE it, but it would definitely be doable. However a dear old male friend of mine said to me a few months back when I was dating a guy that lived with a bunch of guys, “As a rule of thumb you should never try to date someone who lives with other guys. Guys who live with other guys (in most cases) aren’t in the state of mind to commit to anything. It’s sort of a frat house mentality – no one guy wants to be the p%&$y with a girlfriend.” Still so far, I have dated two guys who at this age (30s) lived with other guys… The jury is still out on it, but it’s definitely something to be cautious of.
4- He doesn’t have a car.
Unless he lives in NYC, Hoboken, Jersey City and the like, this is entirely unacceptable. In most cases this is a sure fire sign that he has had some sort of driving issue – he either had a DUI, a suspended license or something shady. If he’s fully disclosing about it, then points for him. But if he lives in the suburbs and not in the city and does not have a car (or motorcycle), there’s something sketchy going on here.
5- His profile consists of all selfies or group shots.
There are two extremes here. You will find a profile that is literally all selfies or all group shots. When it’s all selfies, you at least think you know who you’re talking to. However, this speaks volumes about the guy’s level of vanity. When it’s all group shots, they’re typically all the same guys. This does not enable you to have a clue which guy you’re talking to. Sometimes it’s a mix – and that’s awful too because in the group shot you’re seeing, you’re hoping, please be the tall guy, or please be the guy on the left… and then…. it’s not the one you were hoping for. But if this guy does not have any photos without his group of ten friends or they’re all of him, it’s a problem.
6- He avoids making plans.
There is a huge issue with meeting people online. I would say a good 80% of these people end up becoming your pen pal. In a lot of cases it just doesn’t pan out to meet because of schedules. But when it seems like the guy has come up with every excuse in the book to not meet up, RUN.
7- He consistently talks about his ex.
I get it. Exes are a HUGE part of your life. A quarter of my life had been spent with my ex. So there are stories and things that are not independent of that relationship. However, when everything is relating back to their ex, there’s a problem here. He is for one not over her and for two even if he is, you’re obviously never filling her shoes. If he cannot not talk about her with a woman who could perhaps be the woman of his dreams, that’s his loss – definitely not yours.
8- He’s unavailable or unreachable during certain times.
We all work (well most of us – the guys from #1 obviously do not). But it takes seconds out of your day to respond to a text or send a text. If there is a gap of time where you’re consistently not hearing from him, this is a red flag. The guy that I was “dating”/”not dating” over the last almost year and a half always kept his phone out of sight when we were at my place. I started to figure out the times he wouldn’t respond till the next day, he was obviously with another chick.
9- He’s got pictures with other chicks all over him lacking a description.
I wish I’d taken screen shots of some of these. Guys post pictures of chicks kissing them, draped around them, etc. If you’re going to put these in your dating profile, crop the photo, blur the chick’s face or put a description in. If you’re getting this friendly with random ladies who you don’t care to identify, I’m not interested.
10- He doesn’t even have a picture.
I get messages from these guys all the time. They claim that they don’t put a photo up because they don’t want their co-workers to see that they’re on an online dating site. Please. I not only have seen co-workers on these sites, we talk about how awful they are after encountering each other on there. It’s a cop out and a way to get you to actually talk to them. Story goes like this: they send you a nice flattering message. You realize they don’t have a photo. You don’t want to continue the conversation until you see if you’re attracted to them or not. After some teeth pulling, you get a picture. They either look horrendous or they downloaded “hot guy” photo off google that is not them. End of story.
11- He doesn’t look hot in a suit or tuxedo.
A suit and a tuxedo ups any guy’s attraction factor by at least 20%. If this guy is not looking good in either of these things, then he is most certainly not looking good in jeans and a t-shirt. I hate for that to sound shallow, but it’s true. I’ve seen far too many profiles where guys obviously had a photo shoot or abused their buddy’s wedding photog to take multiple pix of them in their suit and they are still not pulling off the James Bond look.
12- He’s only contacting you late at night.
As my sweet and wonderful mother has said, “anyone calling you after 10PM is looking for a booty call.” This man wants to get in your bed, not in your heart. Enough said.
13- He tries to make plans last minute.
He had plans with someone else and they fell through – fine – that happens. But if this becomes a habit where every time you’re hanging out was planned 20 minutes in advance, this guy is not making time for you. He’s just killing his time with you. Don’t make yourself available for someone who isn’t making themselves available for you.
14- He never picks up the check.
A gentleman is always going to offer to foot the bill at least the first time. You need to be a lady and offer to pay, share it or leave the tip. If this guy is never even attempting to pick up the check, he’s probably also red flags #1 & #2.
15- He wants to exchange numbers immediately.
Some of my friends who have been doing the online dating thing might disagree with me on this. But here’s my theory. It’s one thing if you meet someone out, you’re into each other, you give them your number. You’re online dating – you’re already using a medium for communicating. You can “text” me through that app the same way you could via my phone number. I don’t need someone I’m not even sure if I’m into having my number. It’s not my thing but to each his own. Most of these guys says “Here’s my number so we can text.” Or “Let me get your number so we can text.” We are already texting. It’s one thing if they want to have a phone call and connect that way. I actually had one guy tell me that Tinder was draining his data plan so if we wanted to continue talking we had to text. See ya dude.
16- He’s trying to promote his business.
There’s a ton of this out there. Mostly the industry seems to be photographers or DJ’s.. But please there are other resources for networking, dating sites are not the place to promote your business.
[Tweet “Dont Ignore The Signs, Run @trishyness #TopTips #Dating”]
17- He invites himself to your place.
No. Just no. If a lady wants to invite you into her home, you’ll know. Don’t invite yourself.
18- He invites you to his place prematurely.
Refer back to #12. He wants you in his bed and has no interest in more than that.
19- His profile is blank or poorly written.
Sometimes a profile is blank because they just joined. That’s acceptable. Other times you have these vain, shallow guys who are relying purely on their looks to get people to talk to them. Not my type of guy… If it’s poorly written, I think a few things: they’re uneducated, they could care less about how it appears to someone else, or they’re really that ignorant. I mean if you know grammar is not your strong suit, have someone proofread it. But if you’re seriously going to post something so horrendously written, then you will deserve the sort of responses you get.
20- You don’t hear from him for days or weeks at a time.
I saved this one for last because I consistently ignored this one OVER and OVER again. A guy I talk about in my blog (Crazy Bob the Runner) had every story in the book as to why he was unreachable for days or weeks or months at a time and I fell for them every single time. One day I might actually put them all together into their own post – yes there are that many! Me: Sucker, yes. Naive, yes. Optimistic, yes. Hopeless romantic still, sadly yes. If someone cares for you, they are going to make an effort to get in touch with you – brief text, quick phone call, whatever it is. I don’t care what the scenario is, where there’s a will there’s a way. When someone goes MIA, especially consistently, come to terms with it and move on. I wish I had.
While these are just 20 different examples of red flags, there are so many more. You will feel it in your gut that there is something wrong. Don’t ignore it, don’t make excuses for it. Just walk away. Run even. Before you invest too much time, energy and feelings into something that is just not meant for you.