Fake orgasms are like fruit laden beer. The cute label might sell to a couple people but ultimately no one is satisfied. Drinks such as Bud Light Lime and Coors Light Citrus Radler are made to appeal to people that want something different from their beer and getting buyers is all about marketing. In sex, a believable fake orgasm is also about marketing and equally unsatisfying. So why do we bother and is it healthy?
I could save you the suspense with an empathic no to the healthy question or I could count the ways to make my point. In the spirit of bad beers, let’s count down the top 3 reasons why faking an orgasm is unhealthy:
1. Natural Light:
When you Google Natural Light you’ll see one of its taglines reads: Natural Light is the official beer of keeping it real and letting things just happen. When you fake an orgasm, clearly you’re not keeping it real or letting it just happen. In fact, you’re very likely preventing it from ever happening. Why? Because if you fake it than your partner will have a false sense of what does it for you. And since you’re not keeping it real in the bedroom, you’re bottling things up. This will eventually manifest itself in different and negative ways outside of the bedroom. Perhaps you’ll get frustrated about other things that normally wouldn’t matter but are coming out because you’re sexually frustrated? Not that this ever happens but theoretically…
2. Miller Lite:
At Miller Brewing Company, we put quality above all else. This is the first line on the ‘Our Beer’ portion of their webpage. If sex is about quality and quality sex is attributable to things like foreplay, duration, diversification and having an orgasm, how will real quality ever be there if you fake pleasure in any of these areas? A masked lack of quality sex will eventually lead to frustration, resentment and ‘unexplained’, exceedingly long bathroom breaks or going to bed early by ones self. Quality sex comes from quality chemistry, quality time and quality communications-spoken and unspoken. While it’s nice to expect that someone just knows what you like, not everyone can be a mind or body reader and simple communication can really do the trick with an in-tune partner.
[Tweet “If you fake it your partner will have a false sense of what does it for you.”]3. Budweiser:
In the irony of all ironies, recent Budweiser Super Bowl commercials have been all about the ‘cute puppy’ and ‘lost dog’. You’ve seen the commercials where the horse helps the dog get back home. You might’ve even teared up a bit, don’t lie. Well your partner is not a dog and you did not start dating them because you needed to be a parental figure to them. And yet, one of the biggest reasons women fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. The longer a woman goes without satisfying sex, the more they start seeing their partner in a different light, and not a good light at that. Their partner becomes that nice puppy that, while playful and cute, doesn’t have enough bite to go with their bark. All to say, when you fake it, it will change your view of your partner and they’ll be oblivious to it.
Have a drink on me and stop faking orgasms. It’s selfish, insincere and prolongs your bad sex life. And by the way, don’t have one of these three drinks, they’re the worst in the world of worsts. Seriously.