We all know one. The “new-age” alpha. He’s super confident rather than just plain cocky. He’s composed and stoic rather than intimidating. An intellectual man who is dominant, passionate about life, incredibly driven, admirably successful and a born leader. He takes pride in his appearance, is forever evolving and can always back up his goods. Most importantly, as with all alphas, he enjoys showcasing his superior physical prowess by leading the chase. Whether it’s his career, money or a woman, he lives for the thrill of the pursuit and won’t stop until he gets what he wants. The problem is that the chase can only last for so long; so what happens once he’s got you in his clutches?
Having been burnt several times, I have actively steered clear of such men in recent years. I’ve much preferred to date the “safer option”; those closer to the beta end of the spectrum with zero alpha traits. The strong alphas are the men you end up falling for, but who won’t be pinned down easily. In my experience, they always seem to strive for something more; the men who enjoy the thrill of the chase more so than the prize.
So why did I fall for it this time round? Well, with this handsome, engaging character comes butterflies. Excitement. Stomach-churning chemistry. A powerful man with life experience, wisdom and stability. One who can keep you on your toes and challenge you; which is exactly why I fell harder than before. He ferociously chased me for a first date, showered me with compliments, was attentive, tactile, raised some scintillating conversational points, cooked me dinner, made me feel safe, and the kisses. My oh my, those kisses. Such an indescribable, intense flutter. A magnetic pull. And more than anything – it seemed genuine.
Here’s what I noticed about him as he actively hunted his prey: a quietly confident, self-assured woman:
He liked to work for it:
The more I naturally pulled away due to my initial uncertainty about him, the more he pursued. Much like me, he enjoyed being kept on his toes. He liked my unpredictability, which was simply an inadvertent consequence of not being sure about him. He liked the idea that he was chasing something that might be unobtainable.
He enjoyed being challenged:
He liked a woman who challenged his way of thinking, his perspectives and viewpoints. The more I pushed back, the more open he was in return. He told me this forced him to bring his ‘A-game’ to every date. After all, he was looking for his equal.
He responded quicker when I was less available:
If I unintentionally took a while to respond back to his texts, the second I did, his response would be immediate. If I declined date nights because I was genuinely busy, he would keep asking until he got a date in the diary. It encouraged him to step up as he was constantly afraid that he might miss a trick and lose out to competition.
Annoyingly, after 3 months of intense pursuit, this woman who should have known better tripped up during the chase, hoping that he would catch her. He didn’t. So she fell hard. Instead of helping me up and brushing the dirt off my knees, he sensed that the dynamic had shifted between us, and the chase diminished. He stopped asking me out. He started to text me less. He had the power; he had what he wanted and he pulled away. Rather than respond by pushing closer to him, I decided to cut my losses and walk. I’d witnessed first-hand that an alpha knows exactly what he wants, especially one close to the age of 40, and if he doesn’t choose you it’s an active decision. He would never let something that he truly wants slip away from his hands. I never heard from him again.
So it poses the question, can someone have a sustainable relationship with an alpha, or even an individual with similar traits who enjoys an aggressive pursuit more so than reaching the goal? I recognise that we all enjoy a little chase and that a push/pull mechanism is healthy in a relationship from time to time if you’re both participating, but I’m referring to the men (and even women) who constantly strive for this chase. The ones who aren’t interested once the power dynamic shifts; who’ll pull away because they get bored, are scared of commitment, or dare I say it, losing complete power and falling in love? The ones where you’re constantly vying for their attention after you’ve succumbed to the thrill of being chased. Unless it happens naturally, having to actively keep someone on their toes to maintain interest is exhausting, even for the most agile of us. With strong compatibility, surely this should be effortless?
[Tweet “Can someone have a sustainable relationship with an alpha? #dating”]So yes, there are absolutely some alpha qualities that are essential to me in a relationship; I value confidence, wit, independence and mental strength in a man, as well as drive. There is nothing more attractive than a passionate man who knows what he wants, which includes you, and he won’t stop until he gets it. However, I’m looking forward to discovering what comes after this chase, by a man who isn’t scared to explore this. I want to experience the security of being caught by a kind, thoughtful man who is also comfortable in eventually being open and vulnerable, knowing that he adores me as much as I adore him. More of those beta traits. I recognise that potentially means compromising a little on those butterflies but I’ll happily do that to create something which will go the distance. True intimacy. So here’s to the evolution of the new hybrid man; part alpha part beta, a similar combination as myself. A mixture of chemistry and compatibility, a little naughty and some nice. Some may argue that I’m looking for too much, but I have faith that he’s out there.