I am writing in complete frustration and sadness about a dating dilemma I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember. I am 25 years old and live in Chicago. I am very fortunate to meet guys who I actually have a great chemistry with and many things in common with as well. I do get asked out fairly often but the problem is what transpires after the first month or approximately 5-7 dates with them. I don’t sleep with them right away but wait until I feel that they are not just there for sex.
All these guys seem really excited about our initial connection and say and do all the right things. They even talk about the future and plan vacations, get me to meet all their friends and tell me how lucky we are to find each other! It definitely makes a girl feel wanted and there is no question as to how they feel about me! It’s hard not to really like them and respond back with the same enthusiasm. Things seem to be reciprocated and I think “Wow, I can see really myself with this guy for the long haul.” Every date they are really excited to see me and send me many beautiful texts throughout the day.
What happens next is they start pulling back and being distant. Out of nowhere they stop making any effort and all those nice words have come to mean a bunch of BS! I have even had a few
guys call me clingy!! I didn’t change anything with my actions at all but they say I am the one who is moving way too fast! Seriously this is messed up! Why do they come in like a “bull in heat” and then run away saying I’m the one with the problem and I am too needy for them?!
I have had trust issues over the years as I was raised by a single mother & I had an absentee father who I only saw a few times over the years. It took me a long time to learn how to let my guard down and let a man into my heart. I guess I need some more work in that department judging by my choice in men these days. What do you suggest I do? My self esteem is taking a beating and I have started to become a hermit and don’t want to be around people right now.
Thanks Sybersue, I am looking forward to hearing back from you, Amanda
I am really glad you wrote me as this situation is more common than you may realize. I liked the fact that you said “my choice in men” because ultimately you are in charge of who you attract and allow in your life. You are taking responsibility for your part in this and understand this is not working for you and needs to change. You see the pattern happening.
So what is going on today and why is this scenario happening so often?
Most women like to hear that a man is attracted to them and he wants to see them all the time. Regardless of how much has changed with dating today, many women still want the man to be the one leading the way in the beginning of a relationship. It is not easy to meet someone who has all the attributes on our checklists and when someone falls into that category, things start to move quickly because you don’t want to lose them! You just can’t help yourself but to jump in head over heels! It feels so right especially when a man isn’t shy to say how he feels early on.
What happens next to change that and what makes them pull away when everything is going so amazingly well?
Some men get caught up in the moment of how perfect everything is and then they freak themselves out and run in the opposite direction. My own husband did this 6 weeks after we started dating because he got scared of how great everything was. It can be a self sabotage with some guys because of commitment fears or past relationship drama and so on. In our case this was definitely part of the reason.
What did I do and how did I handle it? I let him go and didn’t contact him at all. I was hurt and pissed off at the same time but I was not going to spend any more time on him if this was how he chose to handle our relationship. He contacted me a month later apologizing profusely about being a coward and owned his fears. After a few months we found our way back to each other and everything has been great since. He has learned how to communicate and not run from his emotions like he did for much of his life.
The trick in a new relationship is to take your time. When someone comes in professing all these wonderful things about you as a couple, be wary and do not get pulled into it. They may think they mean all these things, but they really don’t know you yet and should not be talking about the future other than maybe to plan another date the following week. “In Fast” usually means “Out Fast!” When everything is so incredible in the initial stages, expectations are put on an unrealistic pedestal. One little thing that is not perfect becomes a big problem and can be the demise of the relationship. “See! I KNEW it was too good to be true!”
Many commitment phobic men and women are addicted to the euphoric feeling of a new relationship and do not see how often they sabotage things after the initial excitement wears off. They just keep moving on to the next person so they can experience it all over again. That way it is always fresh & exciting with no drama for them. Unfortunately their problem becomes your problem which happened to you in this situation Amanda.
Learning how to spot these types early on will save you a lot of heart ache down the road. You are probably attracted to a man that shows his feelings quickly due to the fact that you didn’t have love from your father as a child. It is quite common to be a little confused when you don’t have male role models in your life. Now that you are aware of the red flags, it should help you to make better choices in the future.
It is OK to be a hermit right now and remove yourself from dating. When you are ready to get back out there, take your time and don’t get caught up in the romance and charm too early. Do not see them every day in the beginning. You see things much clearer from a distance as it gives you time to register their sincerity and see if there is any truth to their actions. Your life should never take a back seat so that you drop everything for them. Men respect a woman who has a full life and doesn’t rely on them to be “their” everything! Keep me posted after your dating sabbatical is over ~ I can’t wait to hear how things are going for you!
Wishing you love & happiness always.