Perfect people do not exist. Moreover, the perfect person for you is not anything you think he or she is, or have been told they “should” be. You’re blindly following and clinging to an idealized version of love and not reality. So stop holding people to an unrealistic expectation in relationships – right now or you’re going to end up unhappy.
Any fantasy you have of a tall, dark prince charming type suddenly appearing having everything a woman could want is childish and ignorant. And the same goes for men. If you think a supermodel that can cook, screws like a porn star and brings home six figures will fall into your lap, you are delusional. Superficial mindsets like these have you looking at what might be a “10” on the outside, but is probably a “4” on the inside.
If you’re being realistic and brutally honest with yourself, how would you answer the following questions?
1. Are YOU a prize? I mean you really, really have your shit together and can demand such status from a potential partner.
2. Have you left the past behind? Your baggage no longer affects current relationships, and you’re not comparing the old to the new.
3. What is on your list of must haves in a man or woman? Again, what makes you want this person to have this status and what do you bring that parallels it?
4. Are you working on your own shit? Doing things that make you happy and help you to feel good about yourself. Living that and believing it every day….
Here is what happens when you date according to lists and bullshit i.e. over-inflated expectations. You become passive and do absolutely nothing except wait. You wait for someone to magically cross your path and exclaim that they’re the one. You are not taking an active role in choosing a long-term partner. If you’re okay with mediocrity and a half-ass life, then keep sitting there sipping your drink and waiting on great love to just happen. If you want to make the best choice for you, then you have to get off your ass and do something about it.
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These things hold you back.
Height, income and zip code requirements (among others) create tunnel vision when you’re dating. You are limited in what you can see. You are pushing past people to make way for a unicorn. You have your eye on a prize that could in actuality be a shit gift. You are not open to possibilities.
Online dating increases anxiety and lowers confidence. Sure their photos look great and they sound amazing, but what if they never respond to a message or like you back. As a dating coach, I don’t even use online dating in my methodology with clients, because there are so many other alternatives that have faster and better results. Why in the hell are you waiting on someone else to decide your fate anyway; when you can join an active singles group, sports league, pub crawl, local events, and dinner club and yes, even talk to strangers in stores? Online dating has made you lazy and the mediocrity it produces on a regular basis has you second guessing your quality. If Tinder or POF has ever made you feel badly about yourself – delete them immediately!
What is your end game?
You have to think of what it is you want to end up with exactly and then create your plan around that. What’s the goal, basically – marriage, children, growing a successful business and partnership with someone? If you are merely in love with the idea of being in love and “having it all”, this type of goal setting probably won’t work for you. If you’d care to join the rest of us in the real world, congrats, success is not too far out of your reach.
Setting a dating or relationship goal is not much different than setting a life or career goal. What do you want? What steps will you take to get it – every damn day? What are the obstacles? How will you feel when you get it?
The last part is important, because you can act as if you already have it in the present. Really think about how it would feel to have a loving life partner, adoring children, a successful career, etc. Picture it. Picture yourself in that life – right now. Those visualizations are your motivation, affirmation and the daily mantra you need to get and keep what you desire.
I want you to remember 3 statements.
I am. I can. I will.
If you want to learn how to fill in the blanks on those statements, and move past your dating blocks; I invite you to write that shit down and take a long hard look at your goals. I’ll even give you the worksheet to do it. Download it here.